In the face of adolescent children's rebellion, the best way is not to teach and suppress, but to see their plight and grow up with the child.
Author | Coke Mom
The son became as if he had been in his second year of junior high school.
Before the second year of junior high school, he was both good at character and good at learning, humorous and funny.
But now, in my eyes, he is simply a complete "little bastard".
That day, he asked me for my phone to look up words.
After handing it to him, I also found a reason to go to his room and stare at it for a while, but I didn't find anything wrong, so I went back to the bedroom and squinted for a while.
Didn't expect to wake up again, it was already two o'clock in the morning.
I crept open my son's door to see if he was asleep.
Who knew that he was still playing games, and even I didn't notice when I walked behind him, and the homework spread out on the desk was only two or three strokes.
In an instant, I was furious and had a big fight with him.
As a result, the next day, he started to fight with me from the morning together: deliberately slamming the door, refusing to eat breakfast, asking him nothing to answer...
Finally, he said "gone" with a cold look.
I was left alone at the dinner table, overwhelmed and angry.
He is my son, and he is clearly my son.
This mother let me be, and it was too much to hold back.
I remember when my son was in elementary school, although he would occasionally be lazy, but most of the time, he could still consciously take the initiative to learn.
Even the teacher said, "It's rare to see a boy who loves to read so much." ”
People around me envied me for giving birth to such a worry-free son, and I was secretly glad that I had won the "first prize".
At that time, I did not expect that since my son went to junior high school, not only did his grades start to regress, but he always poked Lou Zi and found trouble for me.
Once, the teacher was lecturing on it, and he was doing all kinds of grimaces and yin and yang weirdness below, making the whole class laugh.
The class teacher called me to the office with a phone call.
While apologizing to the teacher, I counted down my son, and I didn't know which sentence annoyed him, and he yelled at me angrily:
"I knew that in your eyes I couldn't do this, and that wasn't right.
You just beat me to death!" ”
I looked at my son in front of me with a stunned look, only to think that he was incomparably strange:
Is this still the son who always likes to follow my ass and look at my son with adoration no matter what I do?
In short, I don't know when it began, the cheerful and sensible son who used to be gone.
Now, he does not listen carefully in class, and when he goes home, he tries his best to play with his mobile phone, and his grades are flowing from the top five of the class to the middle and lower reaches.
I wanted to communicate with him well, but he was always impatient.
Ask him what is "don't know", "casually", "don't", if you say a few more words, he will be angry.
For a while, his mantra was:
"You're done, can you stay away from me?"
I don't know if all children have reached puberty and are so good at not distinguishing.
Anyway, my son, all over his face, has three big words written on his face: "Under-packed".
In addition to the great change of personality, the son is also a little different from before.
When he was a child, he hated washing his hair and face the most, and every time he washed his hair, he screamed the whole time and was quite uncooperative.
But after junior high school, he didn't need our reminder, he washed his hair more often than anyone else.
Sometimes he was late in the morning, and he also occupied the bathroom to blow his hair.
Not only that, but he also liked all kinds of sneakers, and for three days his father pestered his father to buy him new shoes.
I was worried about whether he had fallen in love early at school, but the child's father comforted me:
"During adolescence, children generally begin to pay attention to appearance, and they all come this way, don't worry too much."
But within a few days, I was called to the office by my teacher again.
When I got to school, I saw my son holding his head high, like a cockfighter, saying something to the class teacher with his neck in his neck.
Only then did I learn that it was in physical education class, and my son and several classmates played basketball.
One of the classmates was more domineering, repeatedly hitting people with the ball, and deliberately stepping on his son's new shoes.
For the son at this stage, the upper is his face.
So he threw the basketball and the two of them started fighting.
After a while, the father of the classmate who fought with his son also came, and before the class teacher could speak, the father slapped his son in the face:
"Little beast, fight at school, come home and steal money, what the hell is the use of me giving birth to you?!"
At this moment, the originally noisy office suddenly became quiet.
The beaten classmate covered his face like an angry lion:
"Fight, fight, you know to hit people!"
I'm a little beast, what are you? Old bastard! ”
That day, I led my son out of school, and along the way, I didn't say anything.
Not because I had nothing to say, but because of the reaction of my son's classmates, which shocked me and made me happy, fortunately, I did not criticize my son in public.
Because I realized one thing:
If you want your child to do something to you, treat him in the way you expect.
When I got home, I made dinner for my son.
Then, silently helped him clean the shoe prints on his sneakers.
Unexpectedly, in the evening, my son suddenly knocked on my door, and he avoided my eyes and handed me a cup of hot milk.
Then, in a mosquito-like voice, he said:
"Mom, thank you."
Although I don't know whether this "thank you" is thanking me for helping him maintain his dignity at school, or thanking me for helping him clean up his sneakers.
But at least, I figured out one thing:
In the face of adolescent children, sometimes it is more powerful not to say it than to say it.
Later, my son would still make some small mistakes from time to time, but even if the fire in my heart was strong, on the surface I would still pretend to be light and light.
Until the first mock exam of the third year of junior high school, my son suddenly took the thirteenth place in the class.
It wasn't particularly good, but I knew that it was already a big step forward for my son.
On the day that the mock exam results came down, I gave my son a basketball, and the child's father took out a pair of sneakers, and the son, who was originally a little disappointed in himself, seemed to have confidence again.
That night, he studied late into the night for the first time.
I've come to understand that many times, parents and children are actually the same age.
After entering puberty, the child is facing physical and psychological upheavals for the first time;
And as parents, why don't we cross the river by feeling the stones and explore the way to get along with adolescent children a little bit.
We are all "beginners", but we put on a lofty posture, preaching and suppressing children, and they are naturally dismissive.
For adolescent children, the worst parents are not uncultured parents, but parents who never grow up.
Only mothers who have cleared away past prejudices and inherent cognition can stand at the same height as their children and face common problems with their children.
Ultimately, understand the child and be understood by the child.
I once read a saying:
"Adolescence is not only an important stage in the development of life, but also a golden time of rapid change.
If the parent-child relationship is handled well, adolescence will become a period of repair and promotion. ”
So, how to make the adolescent parent-child boat into a harmonious giant ship in the future?
Some experts suggest that parents should change their concepts and return to the source of education.
Now that I think about it, during the time when my son was most "rebellious", I mainly made the following changes:
No longer seeing the child's bad behavior as a nuisance, but as a code for parental practice
There is a saying in psychology:
"A child who misbehaves is a child who has lost faith."
When my son changed from a well-behaved child with good character and excellent character to a mischievous bear child, I once felt that he was deliberately looking for stubble and often compared him with other classmates.
But then I learned:
After his son, who was originally "lost in confidence" in himself, entered junior high school, he found that everyone in the class had good grades, and many classmates were outstanding.
The excellence of his peers has dimmed him, who has always been shining in the group.
Not only did I fail to pay attention to this in time, but I often criticized and accused him, which made him even more desperate.
Therefore, he began to cover up his inferiority with mischief and rebellion.
In fact, when a child enters puberty, the prefrontal cortex begins to develop.
At this time, his biggest concern is "What kind of person am I?" "Does anyone love me?" ”
In order to find a sense of belonging and value, they even do some "stupid things" to attract the attention of others.
Therefore, when we see the problem, the first thing to do is to observe and listen to the child, only in this way can we see the heart behind his bad behavior that desires to be seen, accepted, and recognized.
Help children regain their self-confidence so that they can take the step forward to grow.
From a high authority to an ally with a common enemy
When I realized that preaching was the last thing an adolescent child could hear, I decided to tell my son my story.
During the holidays, my son secretly punched our ears behind our backs.
The husband, who has always been good-tempered, saw his son's ears that were still bleeding, and he was instantly anxious, pulling on his son's collar and scolding him:
"I don't know how serious it is all day, do I want to go to Thailand to be a shemale?"
What was originally an angry sentence reached his son's ears, but it became ironclad evidence of unjustified humiliation.
For this reason, the two grandfathers did not speak for half a month.
Until one day, I turned out the big head sticker I took during middle school, and while showing it to my son, I exposed myself to "black history":
"I remember when I was in high school, it was particularly popular with thick oblique bangs, and I also cut one.
At that time, your grandmother was dying of anger, shouting every day for me to comb it, and I thought to myself, you middle-aged woman do not understand the trend of our killing of Matt nobles. ”
The son did not speak, but the expression on his face was obviously a lot looser.
I went on to say:
"Actually, your grandmother doesn't have to react so much at all."
In a few years, even if you ask me to stay, I don't have that amount of hair, right? ”
Unexpectedly, just a few words actually made the son who took the high-cold route in adolescence laugh out loud.
Later, the son took the initiative to find her husband and said:
"Dad, I thought about it, piercing the ear may not be suitable for me, I still take the tough guy style is better." 」
When parents are no longer adolescent children, the psychological south wind effect comes into play.
Avoid negative ways of communicating and speak out about how you feel
After witnessing the scene when my classmate's father beat his child in front of everyone, I realized that many parents, including me, actually did not know how to communicate with adolescent children.
Our commonly used belittling, ridicule, and commanding, not only can not make the child obedient, but will stimulate the child's resistance and resentment.
Later, I read in the book Reconciliation with Adolescence:
When communicating with adolescent children, there is actually a very simple communication formula:
When you (describe a certain behavior without prejudice), I feel (express your feelings) because (to clarify the effect that this behavior has on you).
For example, when a son comes home an hour later than he said he would.
If it had been before, I would have said "Why do you always talk doesn't count?" Or," or "Just know it's crazy outside, just don't come back!" ”
But since I knew that there was still a communication formula, my son returned late, and I just gritted my teeth and said lightly:
"When you're not home an hour later than the agreed time (behavior), I feel scared (feeling) because I'm afraid you've had an accident outside (as a result)."
What is surprising is that my son, who usually listens to my words, actually apologized for the first time:
"I'm sorry, I played too long today, I'll be home on time next week."
My favorite host, Venus, said a passage:
"What is an adolescent child?
Adolescence is obviously still a child, but I think I am an adult.
As parents, all we can do is carefully wrap him with love.
When he grew up slowly, poked through the membrane, and transformed from a small worm into a butterfly, his parents' task was completed. ”
The child's path, after all, can only go by himself.
Our only and most important task is to learn more, to learn to understand, to accompany them to go out, and to watch them break through the cocoon into butterflies.
Finally, I would like to say to my son:
"Although mom is also a first-time mom, mom is willing to learn from scratch, change with you, grow together, and strive to become a better mom."