01
A few days ago, reader Qianqian asked me whether she wanted to get a divorce or not. Asking for her consent, I sorted out her confusion.
Hello Fat Fish.
I am a married woman who has just been licensed for more than 4 months, but recently I found out that my husband and I have so many inappropriate places.
My husband Chen Xing (pseudonym) and I were in love for 5 months and got a license. We are both in Shenzhen and met through the introduction of friends.
Chen Xing is a colleague of my girlfriend's husband. My girlfriend's daughter celebrated her 3rd birthday last year, and I was envious of her angelic daughter. My girlfriend urged me to quickly find a man and give birth to one myself.
I said, she is not unaware, I am a housewife, the circle of life is very narrow, where is said to find it can be found.
The girlfriend said that it didn't matter, she asked her husband to help keep an eye out for the right guys in his circle.
After two weeks, under the introduction of my girlfriend's husband, I met Chen Xing. The girlfriend's husband said that Chen Xing and his colleagues have been for almost 3 years, and their character is no problem. As for the rest, it depends on whether we have a fate or not.
As soon as they met, Chen Xing was more handsome and tall than I thought. I am a yan control, and he has passed this level. Not to mention, we had a great chat. After that, Chen Xing asked me for a date.
On the day he confessed to me, I also told him that I like Shenzhen, and even if I can't stay in the future, I just want to settle in the cities around Shenzhen and don't want to go back to my hometown. Chen Xing also agreed.
The reason why I say this is because Chen Xing's hometown is from Jiangxi, and I am from Henan. I don't want us to argue over this issue in the future, it's better to say well in advance.
After spending some time together, we felt good about each other, and at the end of December last year, Chen Xing took the initiative to propose marriage, and we quickly got a license.
It was only when we were really together that I slowly discovered that Chen Xing was particularly clingy. Sometimes on weekends, I have to go to overtime, and he is like a little kid, flirting with me, hoping that I can accompany him. I disagreed, and he got angry, aggrieved, and lost his temper with me.
So, every time I came home from work, I was too tired to do it, and there was still a him at home that he needed to coax. As a result, I am getting more and more tired.
Most importantly, I found that since I got the license, after living together, Chen Xing was waiting for me to do the housework. No matter how many times I tell him, what he can do, can help me share, he always promised to be good, after what should be done or how.
Eating is also, as long as I don't go back, Chen Xing will always wait for me, and the takeaway is not willing to call.
He was like a giant baby. Sometimes I couldn't stand it, and when I lost my temper with him, he looked at me pitifully, making me feel unbearable and very guilty.
Both of us are office workers, and it stands to reason that we come back after work to share the housework and cook together. Or whoever gets home first, who does it, it's okay. That's what mutual understanding is. It's also the married life I aspire to.
02
Recently, I have been wondering, is Chen Xing and me not suitable at all? Because I obviously felt that he was treating me like his mother. Always wanted to rely on me, let me satisfy him unconditionally, and still immersed in the state of a child.
And I also have my own things to do, in a good mood, and when there are not many things, I can take care of him. But many times, I also need the comfort and encouragement of his husband. Instead of, every time I needed him to share it, he was in a state where he was a baby, and he was weak and powerless.
I want to find an old public to spend his life in the storm, not to find a son, let me raise it every day. Raising, not counting, not moving, he still makes a small character to me.
For example, some time ago, the community was sealed. I have to work, and I have to take care of Chen Xing every day. As for him, he is busy at work, either playing games or chasing dramas. I was angry, he was like a child, selling cuteness. That's not what I want.
I've been getting more and more interested in divorce lately, but I'm embarrassed to mention it. After all, in addition to relying on me too much, Chen Xing didn't seem to have any other problems.
I'm afraid I'll mention divorce and he can't stand it. Most importantly, I always fantasized that he would be able to change later. After all, we're just getting married, and I need to give him a little time to grow, don't I?
I remember when I was in college, before I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, it was the same way, I was always embarrassed to mention the breakup. Obviously, it was very painful, and it was still dying. In the end, it was still the breakup he mentioned. At that moment, I was relieved.
Now, I'm in that state again.
This time it was marriage, not a breakup. The in-laws have discussed that if there is no epidemic in September and October, they will hold a wedding for us.
Lately, I've been very conflicted and miserable. He didn't even want to go back, didn't want to face poor Chen Xing. What's wrong with me?
Most importantly, Chen Xing said that we are not young and can prepare for pregnancy in the second half of the year. I'm afraid when I think about it. He treats me like a mother now, with children, am I not going to raise two children?
Fat fish, would love to hear your advice.
03
Today, with this Qianqian question, let's talk about relationships, needs, and love.
From the perspective of love and need, we can divide relationships into three types:
The first is the mother-infant relationship.
The mother-infant relationship is a form in which one party sends out a need and the other gives love to meet the other's need. Just like a mother raising a baby, the mother fully meets the needs of the baby and allows them to grow up healthy and happy.
Obviously, this husband, Chen Xing, is putting himself in the position of the baby. In this case, he unconsciously put his wife in the position of mother.
The problem is that Qianqian does not want to be his mother all the time, and at this time, the contradiction arises.
This is the second contradictory relationship we are going to talk about.
The third is an adult-like relationship.
In this relationship, we will not wronged ourselves to satisfy each other, nor will we force each other to satisfy ourselves. The two sides are in a state of equality. I can share what I like with you, and you can share what you like with me. We are independent of each other, appreciate each other, and create the infinite possibilities of the future together.
And this adult relationship also has a premise, only if you are an adult, you can encounter an adult relationship.
Does that mean that adult relationships are the best?
Don't go to extremes. Remember that there is no eternal mother-infant relationship, there is no eternal adult relationship, and our relationship cannot be all contradictory.
A common healthy relationship is formed in the continuous switching and combination of these three relationships, achieving a dynamic balance as a whole.
04
The stability of a relationship comes from the balance of love and need.
In the marriage of Qianqian and Chen Xing, we can see that their current relationship is unbalanced.
Unbalanced relationships do not bring happiness.
If according to Qianqian, Chen Xing has been asking for it like a child, he hopes that Qianqian will satisfy him, and he has not done what a husband should do, such as helping to share the housework and taking the initiative to do the responsibilities of a husband.
There is a state of imbalance between Qianqian and her husband, her needs are not met, and she feels hurt.
And Qianqian is both painful and does not want to leave, because she can still get a certain sense of satisfaction in this relationship, and even have the illusion of being satisfied. She always thought that maybe Chen Xing would grow up and take the initiative to meet her needs.
I also discussed with Qianqian that she has a younger brother herself, and she has taken care of her younger brother since she was a child. Now, Chen Xing is her husband, and in the process of taking care of Chen Xing, she also meets some of her internal needs.
But what Qianqian needs to realize is that in this seriously unbalanced relationship, over time, both sides will have a lot of resentment.
The resentment of the dependent party is: I am so weak, why don't you protect me, you are a bad person.
The resentment of the party who likes to give is: I have done so much, how come you are not growing up, tired of me, you are really too ignorant.
05
Finally, there is one more point that is very critical.
Qianqian said that she broke up with her ex, but also found it inappropriate and was unwilling to mention it. It was not easy, until the moment when the other party proposed it, her mood was relaxed.
Why is that?
A relationship, no matter how bad it gets, is not an easy task to make a decision to end and bring it up.
Because the person who takes the initiative to break up is obviously more responsible and is an "evil person".
In this process, many people, do not want to take more responsibility, and even bear the guilt brought about by it, have been spent in the feelings.
In the end, the other party proposes to end, then the other party will have to pay 100% responsibility, and himself has become a "victim" and is an object worthy of sympathy. It can even stand on the moral high ground to condemn the other party.
A person who knows true love is responsible for the other party and for himself. We must respect our feelings, inappropriate feelings, and retreat in time.
It's also a kind of courage.
I hope that Qianqian can make a comprehensive combing of her relationship with Chen Xing and listen to her inner feelings.
Children's affairs should be more cautious at present.