When adolescence causes tension in family relations
When Xiaoming entered junior high school, his relationship with his parents also changed, not only because his height of 1 meter 8 has surpassed his father, but he found that many things he saw different views from his parents, he felt that he was more independent, and he was about to even be an adult who could make his own decisions. But his parents were always interfering in his affairs. Her mother worries about herself, eats and wears her to arrange, and usually asks him about various things, which makes him very disgusted, because these questions are too detailed. He experienced the feeling of being offended.
His father was more authoritarian and always insisted on his views. If he didn't do what he asked, he would be furious, and on a few occasions he couldn't help but argue with his father. For example, the last time he plucked up the courage to go to a tattoo with his partner, he was discovered. That time he had a big fight with his father.
He didn't want to quarrel in his heart, but his parents restricted his freedom, which now seemed to be won only through his own struggle.
Bob's parents talk about the current strained family relationship. They think that this is not self-inflicted, it is all because of Xiaoming' reasons. For example, they say that Xiaoming was not like this before entering junior high school. They are very close to Xiaoming, and the family is also very friendly. But now Bob has changed a lot, and they feel like they've been squeezed out of his life by Bob. When Bob wants to take the initiative to communicate with them, he wants something, money, or something that he knows can't do. Even, sometimes Bob will refute some of their views, saying that they are outdated, biased, and so on. At this time, Xiaoming made them very disgusted.
Xiao Ping has also been very disgusted with her parents recently, because they are always working against her. On weekends, she wants to wear an off-the-shoulder suit and leggings to go shopping with friends. But her mother strongly objected, demanding that she wear sportswear and go out. When her father knew that there were male classmates at a birthday party of a friend she was going to attend, she was annoyed when he personally drove to the door of the KTV and insisted on letting her go home. He knew what his father was thinking, but the boy was just her friend's boyfriend and had nothing to do with her. Before junior high school, she had never noticed that her parents were so authoritarian and unreasonable.
But Xiaoping did not resist as fiercely as Xiaoming, most of the time she was very depressed, which actually stimulated a more serious rebellious psychology in her heart.
Second, the exploration of autonomy in adolescence
Why did Xiaoming and Xiaoping have such a change? It's all because of the adolescent child's exploration of autonomy.
In the previous article, we mentioned that the rapid physical development of adolescent children, many children even reach the adult physique, the brain is basically mature, with analysis, association, logic, reasoning and other advanced thinking capabilities.
Then when teenagers have the ability to explore the outside world, they naturally have the motivation to explore the outside world independently.
Then when they begin to explore the world on their own, they will naturally deviate from their parents' views. When deviations occur
But parents sometimes feel uncomfortable with and even confused about this behavior of teenagers. These children, who were originally subject to their parents' judgments, values, and guidance, began to question their parents' worldviews, sometimes even conflicting.
Third, the emergence of conflict between adolescent children and their parents
We need to know that the root cause of conflict is that parents and children are uncomfortable with the changing roles of adolescence.
Teenagers are increasingly seeking autonomy, wanting to pursue their own independence and a sense of control over their lives.
Many sensible parents will recognize that this transition in teens is normal. They are going through the stages of adolescence in Erikson's psychosocial development, the period of testing regulations, shedding dependence, and establishing a new identity. Wise parents will welcome this change in their hands in many ways and make it the standard for their children's development.
But in most cases, it is difficult to fully embrace this growing demand for autonomy from teenagers.
Understanding teens' independence wisely is just as irreconcilable as agreeing with teen tattoo needs.
The "tattoo" incident is more like a temptation for teenagers to see if they are truly able to control their bodies.
But how can parents, without violating their right to freedom, let them know that there are things to carefully consider their consequences? What is needed is the wisdom of parents. Saying it too much will hit their trust in their parents and the building of their own confidence. But it seems that it is not as good as the corresponding effect.
Participating in KTV parties is another expression of adolescent children's sense of identity. That's partner identity. Everyone is in a group, and social anxiety arises in large part because of the possibility of being excluded from the group. Adolescent children, as individuals who gradually grow into adults, will gradually integrate into the group.
But we know that not every group is accepted by others, especially when the identity of this group conflicts with the identity of parents. For parents, their desire to reject their children's motivation to find a group may undermine their children's prestige in the group and damage their children's social self-confidence.
Fortunately, most adolescents' autonomy in adolescence will gradually increase and eventually reach a level of maturity. As puberty comes to an end, they will be more objective and learn to see themselves from the perspective of their parents, rather than idealizing themselves.
So how can we try to avoid conflict with adolescents and help them successfully survive the exploration of autonomy in adolescence?
Fourth, a few suggestions for communicating with adolescents during adolescence
1. Correctly face the autonomous exploration of adolescence. First of all, parents should correctly face the existence of autonomy exploration in adolescence, and cannot find ways to suppress or ignore its existence. The exploration of autonomy is of great significance for their later life growth, and it is a critical period for building independence, self-confidence, friendship, logic and objective thinking. If this period is missed, it will cause identity failure or delay.
2. Active guidance. Parents can actively guide their children's autonomy exploration, give them more autonomy, including clothing, eating, leisure time, making friends, interest exploration, etc., when the child feels his independent rights, he can satisfy his autonomy. It's better than letting children explore the world in a disorderly way.
3. Transform social roles. Before puberty, parents played more authoritarian roles. This matter the child absolutely depends on the control and arrangement of the parents. But after puberty, parents should gradually change their roles and become tolerant and authoritative parents. Therefore, tolerating children and being yourself at the same time is the most important thing in this period.
4. Encourage children to establish peer relationships. One of the main social tasks of adolescent children is to build peer relationships. During this period, parents should not stop, but should encourage children to break through themselves, exercise their social communication skills, and give children more advice (rather than guidance). Let the child find his own position in the peer relationship and mature as soon as possible.
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