1
A person resists doing something because of an easily overlooked fact: the thing is bitter, so the instinct is to resist.
When a child is unwilling to cooperate with you in a certain act, it is because it is bitter for him, because he is suffering from some kind of suffering. So, he didn't want to do it.
Suffering is suffering. It may be a big pain, it may be a small discomfort, in short, the taste is bitter.
Parents who do not want to see this bitterness will feel that you do not do it because you have "problems", you are lazy, you do not understand things, you are still young... Then ask the child not to resist these sufferings, but to consciously, even actively, eat these sufferings. As if these bitternesses did not exist, as if these bitters were sweet chocolate.
For example, when a child loves to lose his temper, many mothers will accuse the child of being spoiled and having a bad temper. In fact, we do not need to evaluate his behavior, do not need to educate him whether he should lose his temper, but first to be curious:
What kind of suffering is he suffering that he can't bear, and he loses his temper?
Probably no one heard him, and he felt hopeless;
It may be that someone is forcing him and he feels suffocated;
It could be that he didn't get what he wanted, and he felt frustrated.
By throwing a tantrum, he can exert himself to make his own voice to solve his suffering. The child's deviant behavior is just his solution to his own suffering.
For example, the boss doesn't want to see his sister. Some mothers want to stop their children from behaving like this, and they think why the family should be hostile. In fact, what should be better understood is:
What is the boss suffering from and doesn't want to see his sister?
It may be that he feels that his mother is unfair and wronged;
It may be that he feels that he is wronged by being bullied by his sister;
It may be that he feels that his love has been encroached upon and wronged.
He can only resist by not waiting to see his sister and take care of his grievances.
Many mothers are not interested in whether their children are bitter or not, she is only interested in the reaction of their children to suffer. She will ignore this suffering because she does not understand, is unreasonable, and should not be, and asks the child not to react to it. But you need to know:
Whatever the child's irrational reaction, it is proof that the child is suffering. Whether this suffering is good or not, he is suffering. It doesn't mean that because you judge unreasonablely or shouldn't, suffering disappears.
2
You can thank your child for resisting.
It is still a good thing to be able to resist suffering. If a person's suffering is ignored for a long time, he loses the ability to resist suffering. That's scary.
His suffering is not seen, digested, not allowed, it will accumulate, and he can only eat it silently alone. These accumulations will make his heart more and more fragile. One day when he finally can't bear these sufferings, he will use extreme ways to alleviate them.
When I was studying at a psychiatric hospital, I received some people who had attempted suicide, and one of them was from a famous school. This child is very good, very obedient, very hardworking, and the parents are very proud, so everyone does not understand why he committed suicide.
In everyone's eyes, this child's excellence and praise are seen, but no one knows his pain, helplessness, depression, and confusion.
I talked to his mother, who was a teacher who taught her children from an early age, helping her homework and making a study plan. For this child, he was not worthy of any of his own ideas, could not express them, and had no choice but to obey his mother's seamless plan. Such a life made him feel suffocated, empty, and meaningless, so he wanted to die, looking for the ultimate way to relieve his inner suffering.
But his parents never knew he was suffering. His parents only knew: What kind of child I wanted. But never asked:
Boy, do you like to learn like this? Now that you've learned to push yourself in your studies, will you get tired? Can't do what you like, are you wronged?
The child is resisting suffering because he still wants to save himself.
3
Some mothers cannot face the child's suffering and cannot help the child to digest the pain, so she will choose to stop the child's behavior to deal with it. In fact, it is fantasizing:
As long as I don't let you express suffering, you are not suffering.
Moreover, in order to alleviate their guilt, some mothers also force their children to admit that their actions are love, to be grateful, to obey, to be filial piety, and to admit that their mothers are all for your own good.
When we understand what a child suffers, we have the possibility to do something that makes him comfortable. You always have to remember:
The child's "problem" is not a problem, it is only a solution to his own suffering.
If we want to really love someone and love a child, we must first understand what he is suffering. If you can't understand, at least you can say: Thank you for using your wisdom to find a way to solve suffering.
While it wasn't necessarily the best, it was a sign of his vitality. He didn't want to suffer these sufferings, and he solved them in his own way. If you can't help him, please don't judge his solution to his suffering.
If you want to love him more, you can teach him new, healthy, and effective solutions to suffering, rather than turning a blind eye.
Taste the beauty and sorrow of life
As an actor, Ms. Li Jingjing is highly respected by many international opera masters and is a famous opera artist who has won many international awards. She looks as well-behaved and lovely as a little sister next door, but under such an appearance, there is the infinite expressiveness and tension of the performance artist.
In order to present the most perfect lesson listening experience to everyone, Ms. Jingjing personally carefully selected the world's best version of the music repertoire, interspersed with the plot for everyone to enjoy. She will deeply analyze the music, plot, characters, era background, composer anecdotes and other interesting things, and ridicule western "serious" opera from the perspective of a young artist after the 80s and a first-line actress active on the opera stage. Listening to beautiful arias and learning about the moving story behind the music, will you fall in love with opera on the spot?
Today's good book recommendation
"Artistic Enlightenment: Children who understand famous paintings have temperament"
Look and surprise, this is art, all art exists in this immediacy of feelings and moods.
In the face of art works, it is easy for laymen to be unconfident and humbly claim that they do not understand. Picasso shouted to such a humble man: "Don't understand? You have to understand it! ”
The book recommended today contains 53 Chinese and foreign masters of art, 218 world classic paintings, and 18 world-famous museums, which can clearly see the development and evolution process of art genres at a glance, let children feel the growth of painting all the way from the book, and meet children's love for art.