In education, the word "sacrifice" is really too heavy.
"Mom, this is all for your own good"
"Yes, you are for my own good, but have you ever asked me what I really want in my heart?"
….
"I don't deserve your love, I don't do the daughter you want"
In the TV series "Little Joy", Qiao Yingzi stood on the bridge and tried to take her life, and the dialogue clip between her and her mother hung on the hot search list for several days, which was heart-wrenching, and we had to think:
"Homeschooling, what are we really raising?"
Is it to make the child who he wants to be? Or will it make the child what the parents want? Today, let's analyze ourselves together, are you a "sacrificial" type of parent?
1, if it weren't for you, I would have divorced a long time ago!
In one episode of the show, comedian Si Wen mentioned her personal experience of growing up in a single-parent family, saying:
"The most terrible thing about children is not that their parents divorce, but that their parents tell you, 'We don't divorce for you.'"
Si Wen said with tears in his smile:
"Some parents also agree with each other for the sake of their children's learning to divorce after their children take the college entrance examination, as if divorce is a ceremony to celebrate the college entrance examination."
For children, such a "sacrifice" of parents is not love, but an invisible burden, and the child is the "product" of parental love, and finally gradually becomes a victim of love between parents.
2, I do this all for you!
"Mom did so much for whom?" Isn't it all for you? ”
"As long as you are happy, your mother will sell kidneys for you to go to school!"
Some "sacrificial" parents will directly tell their children: "I have sacrificed so much for you, how can you still be like this", but in contrast, what makes children feel more powerless is the "sacrificial" parents, who do not "kidnap" their children through language, but silently and unconsciously convey the feeling of "self-sacrifice" to their children.
In "Strange Story", Xi Rui mentioned the story of his childhood in a debate: the family is not rich, he is hungry to eat canned oranges, although his grandmother is distressed about money, but finally bought it for him, on the way home, Grandma said to The young Xi Rui: "This can is seven yuan and nine, which is the money for a meal for the whole family." ”
Grandma has no malice, and the negative energy that can be expressed as "sacrificing for you" is unbearable for the child. Feeling the embarrassment of poverty prematurely in childhood made Serry have a strong sense of "unworthiness" in his heart. Even if he later became famous, the "fear of embarrassment" had been deeply planted, and he could no longer enjoy everything he had with peace of mind.
The "feeling of unworthiness" generated by childhood can sometimes really destroy the confidence and happiness that children should have when they grow up.
It is not easy to tell the child that the parents have, but they do not need the child to bear it;
You can tell your child about the emotions of the parents, but don't force the child to carry it.
Healthy and harmonious families should not express love in "giving" and "taking". Relationships are mutual, as is the intimacy, and so is the parent-child relationship. Parents have already held the heart of "sacrificing themselves for their children" in parenting at the beginning, so children will also "sacrifice themselves" to satisfy their parents.
Why are there sacrificial parents?
"Parenting should be taught by example". Children in a family not only imitate the words and deeds of their parents all the time, but also imitate the internal emotional patterns of their parents invisibly.
American psychologist Stephen Karpman has proposed that everyone has a triangular drama in their hearts, and everyone often stages a triangular drama composed of triangular characters:
Victim: "It's all your fault"
Savior: "I'm all here for your own good"
The Persecutor: "Listen to me!" ”
Parents with a sense of sacrifice in their hearts may have been "copies" of their respective original families, and they may also have sacrificial parents, and in the original family, they are victims.
When you form a new family and have children, unconsciously carry this sense of victimization of the thinking mode to continue the parenting of the next generation, invisibly with a sense of sacrifice, for the child to arrange life, forced to become the "mother to do so much is for your own good" savior.
When the child grows up and begins to have his own ideas, instead of becoming the child in their minds as the parents thought, the parents went back to the role of the persecutor – "I have done so many things for your own good, you are my child, you must listen to me." 」 ”
As a parent, if you don't see that you have the opportunity to come out of this triangle drama, then who will be the victim of the next original family?
Harmonious families do not use the name of "love" to let children carry emotions that do not belong to them. The premise of respecting children is to respect yourself. Parents return to the boundaries of their lives and have the opportunity to escape from the "victim-persecutor-savior" triangle. Through parenting, transcending one's original family, being responsible for one's own happiness and destiny, and guiding children to be responsible for their own lives.
The parent returns to himself, and the child can be confident in being himself.
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