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Author 丨 Kakashin
Source丨March Institute(ID:mama_cn)
"My kids love to fight as much as they want"
A few days ago, on Line 7 of the Beijing subway, such an infuriating scene appeared in the crowded carriages.
A seven- or eight-year-old boy, not knowing what he had done to anger his mother, saw the mother squeeze the child's face fiercely, and then knock off the hat.
Subsequently, he grabbed the mobile phone in the child's hand and raised his hand to fight.
Probably feeling still angry, she actually threw the child's school bag to the ground, forcing the child to kneel on the ground in the car in full view of everyone, and knelt on the ground for a whole time.
Some onlookers really couldn't see it, and they persuaded the mother.
Unexpectedly, she did not realize that there was anything wrong with her behavior, but instead said with a straight face:
"My boy, I want to do what I want."
The short one-minute video made people out of anger and really wanted to ask this mother:
With the majesty of an adult, to humiliate a child in this way, do you have such a sense of accomplishment?
In your eyes, is the child an independent person, or an accessory to you, or an object that can be scolded and humiliated at will?
As one netizen said:
"Although the child is yours, the child enjoys an equal personality with the parents and is not the private property of the parents."
But in life, there is a type of parent who feels that their children are born by themselves, so they can educate themselves as much as they want.
Jiajia, a 12-year-old girl in Jiangsu, because she did not complete the "upgrading homework" arranged by her mother, was actually burned by her mother with a hot spatula, which was unbearable to see.
The child's grandmother had no choice but to sue to revoke the mother's custody, but in court, the mother felt very aggrieved:
Educate your children yourself, just so that your children have a good future.
In order to let his child win at the starting line, a doctoral father in Nanjing forced his seven-year-old son and five-year-old daughter to learn high numbers and learn chinese and chinese, and once the child did not meet his requirements, he would be abused and beaten.
When the child's mother applied to the court for a protective order, the father still did not feel that there was anything wrong with his education style, and said that it was his "housework".
These parents, educating their children in the way they think are right, have not only hurt their children and failed to achieve the purpose of education, but have also broken the law!
Article 5 of the Law on the Promotion of Family Education, which came into effect on January 1 this year, stipulates that family education should respect the personal dignity of minors and protect the legitimate rights and interests of minors.
Some parents actually do not know how to educate their children, and some parents still believe in the "no fight, no talent" family education method.
As everyone knows, these acts, after the implementation of the Family Education Promotion Law, are already illegal acts!
Intimidation, belittling, cold violence...
Not education, but lessons
We often say that the problem of children reflects the problem of family education.
As Bai Yansong said:
"Family education determines a child's life."
Wrong education is worse than no education.
How many parents are constantly hurting their children in the name of education.
In Guangxi, a mother, because she thought her child was too naughty, picked up her child in anger and threw it directly into the trash!
After looking at the child for more than 20 minutes, she saw that the child refused to be soft, and she actually left, leaving the child alone inside.
In Guangxi in the summer, food is put for a long time and has a rotten taste, not to mention the roadside garbage can.
A well-meaning person hurriedly took the child out, and at this time the child was full of flies and garbage, and the whole body emitted a disgusting smell.
But an even more angry scene appeared, the mother turned around and came back to directly grab the child and throw it in, and directly put the lid on!
What the mood of the child who is locked up inside is really hard to imagine.
There are actually many reasons behind the child's mistakes and disobedience, but parents are not willing to patiently understand and solve the problem in a reasonable way, but instead directly scare two sentences and use fear to force the child to obey.
Because when people are very afraid, they succumb to instinctive fear and obey.
For parents, it saves time and energy, but also does not require any brains.
But can this really achieve the effect of education?
Maybe the child is obedient and obedient, but this is only because the intimidation of the parents arouses their fear and is forced to obey.
In the final analysis, this is just a lesson learned in the name of education. But the consequences of it are far beyond our imagination.
As it is said in "Wisdom Parenting":
"The wrong parenting methods create the wrong children, and they have far more effects than parents think."
In the "Interview with Ryoko", one of the interviewees did not get the approval of his mother from childhood to adulthood.
Even if you take the 117 test with a full score of 120, you will be questioned by your mother:
"Three points off?"
Belittling, hitting, and running through her entire formative process.
The mother hoped to motivate her to keep improving in this way, but her daughter felt that she was a waste, could not do anything well, and once suffered from depression.
In life, there are many more examples of such wrong education:
Use cold violence to force children to "surrender" and force them to admit their mistakes;
Strike with negation in an attempt to motivate the child's self-motivation;
With the theory of "good for you", in a vain attempt to control everything about the child...
All these wrong ways of education will only make children inferior, helpless, rebellious... It is also gradually drifting away from the original intention of parents to cultivate excellent children.
In the family, the most educated are the parents
Parents are arguably the only professions that do not require study to get a license.
When you have a child, you naturally become a parent. But some people really don't deserve their children to shout that sentence to mom and dad.
Just on January 6, after the implementation of the Family Education Promotion Law, Changsha City, Hunan Province, issued the first Family Education Order.
The cause of the incident is that after a couple divorced, the mother had no time to take care of her daughter due to remarriage, so she found a nanny to live with her daughter, responsible for taking care of daily living, and she only saw the children on the weekend.
A child, after the parents divorced, the body and mind will be affected, and the result is that the mother also throws herself to the nanny, this invisible damage is incalculable.
It is true that children who live with nannies will not be hungry or frozen, but in addition to these basic living guarantees, is the responsibility that should be fulfilled by parents, can a nanny bear it?
Being born without nurturing, raising without teaching, and teaching without being good are the "three deadly sins" of parents.
True parenting is that parents should learn to respect, unconditionally accept and love their children, while paying attention to their own growth and living themselves as the best example for their children.
At the age of 25, Xiamen boy Li Zheyuan was admitted to Harvard Business School on a full scholarship.
When we lament that this is someone else's child, we should actually see the "other person's mother" even more.
Li Tuoyuan said of his mother:
"In the more than 20 years from birth to now, my mother has not been absent from any part of my growth."
The essence of parenting is a kind of physical companionship.
Only with enough high-quality accompaniment can we build a good bridge of parent-child communication, and the purpose of education is half completed.
For Li Tuoyuan, his mother is like a friend, they can talk about everything, as long as his decision is justified and beneficial, his mother will not only support him, but also participate in it.
Respect that the child is an independent individual and allows them to make their own choices, so that the child has the courage to choose.
Li Tuoyuan's mother once commented on her son:
He has always had all kinds of ideas since he was a child, and even loves to "toss".
In fact, the end of this dare to fight is learned from the mother.
As a single mother, Li Tuoyuan's mother did not give up the development of her career while taking care of her children.
She went from being a university teacher to becoming an English anchor for a TV station in Xiamen.
It is precisely because he saw his mother's strength and courage not to give up since he was a child that Li Tuoyuan learned how to become a positive person.
As a parent, it is natural to hope that their children can grow up well and achieve a career.
However, treating children with incorrect educational methods leads to children continuing this deformed education method to the next generation, thus causing an unsolvable dead cycle, which is the greatest sorrow of parents.
The ultimate purpose of the Family Education Promotion Act is not to punish parents, but to "provide guidance, support and services for family education".
It also conveys a concept:
Raising children is no longer an act that you personally take for granted, but an act that is subject to the law.
Each child's personality has different characteristics, no successful parenting experience can be suitable for all children, and no parenting philosophy is absolutely right and wrong.
But education must have a bottom line, and its essence is a self-cultivation of parents.
As Jane Nelson, author of Positive Discipline, said:
If you think it's painful to educate your child, you must be using the wrong method.
No one is born to be a parent, and everyone is constantly learning in the bumps and bumps, learning how to be a qualified parent.
In the process of educating children, constantly improve themselves and achieve a sunny child.
Click "in the watch" and "share" to more people, parents and children are the same equal relationship, we must use the appropriate way to educate children.
About the author: Kakashin, Parents Research Institute (ID: mama_cn), research on the new knowledge of family education for 1-6 years old, is the mother's educational notes, is the father's baby guide, is the child's growth energy station. There are books that teenagers are authorized to publish.