A recent hit drama "The World of Man", the Road to the end of human affairs. This 50-year-long Chinese family "epic" tells the ups and downs of the life experience of the three children of the Zhou family...
The youngest son, Zhou Bingkun, because his grades are often counted down in the class, has always been shrouded in the shadow of the aura of his brother and sister's two honor students. At the New Year, two Peking University students, older brothers and sisters, were led in front, and Bingkun, who paid the most for his family, just bowed his head and was silent, and left halfway.
When Bingkun cried and said, "They are all raised by one father and one mother, and I am not out of breath, do you know how uncomfortable I am?" ”
At this time, the father sharply accused: "Is this a fact? ”
Bingkun immediately collapsed completely: "Should the facts be said?" Should the truth be told? ”
Father and son have been deadlocked over this for several years. Fortunately, the final ice release of the previous suspicions. When the father finally said the belated affirmation, "You are my most satisfied child", Bingkun cried into tears.
Every child longs to be recognized by their parents in their hearts; in the competition with their siblings, they especially long to be "seen" and loved by their parents. Today's multi-child families are more and more, and many parents often invisibly hurt their children in various contrasts; many parents feel that their children are not good anywhere, love to deliberately oppose themselves, and often lament "Why raise such a child..."
How can parents not be their "bad evaluators" on the way their children grow up? In a multi-child family, how to balance the love for each child so that each child can grow up confidently?
1
Leave aside self-feeling-led discipline
Don't be a parent of a "bullying" child
Chen Fengwei
Principal of Xinglong Primary School in Chaoyang District, Beijing, beijing special teacher
There may be no absolute fairness in life, even if they are their own parents, they will be unbalanced in their attitudes and ways of treating children because of various emotions, and become scars in the growth of children.
In reality, those children who are in the same situation as Zhou Bingkun exist in the "bullying" of the closest family members who depend for their survival. This kind of "bullying" is considered to be taken for granted, and it falls into the misunderstanding of "strict tutoring". Parental cathartic discipline is full of accusations, disappointments, and feels that "the child is very humiliated", so that the child feels guilty!
In the face of parental self-feeling-led discipline, children in a passive situation often instinctively seek self-protection, and they will numb themselves by shielding consciousness and cutting off feelings, manifesting as external decadence. However, this instinctive protection has become a living evidence of hatred of iron and steel, which has further angered parents who are controlled by emotions. Therefore, in the face of "indisputable" children, a new round of storms will become more and more intense! In the end, the child spends a lifetime of painstaking efforts to prove the value of his existence! What's even more frightening is that this damage will be passed on and replicated in the relationship between the child and his future child!
How not to let your child live in the harm of "intimate bullying"?
First of all, parents should let themselves grow first, and the signs of growth are emotional maturity, empathy for children, and enrich their inner experience. Keep asking and asking yourself, if you were a child, what would you do in the face of emotional catharsis and cold words from the people closest to you?
Second, there must be boundaries between parents and children. Children are not copies of their parents, nor are they "identical" to siblings, and they cannot make external wishes into templates that limit children. Children are developing, thoughtful people, parents should understand the child, respect the child's growth boundaries and personality. Activate the body and work towards a positive result, rather than "hating iron not steel"
Third, in the relationship with children, parents should be clear about what they want to express with their children, and then concretize the problems expressed, gradually enrich the children's cognition and inner experience, let the children also understand the parents, increase good emotions, emotional experience, and transmission.
The ending of "The World of Man" is that Zhou Bingkun and his father freeze their previous suspicions; but life will not flow backwards, the child's life and our life are only once, parents should do big hands and small hands, let themselves grow up and be happy!
2
Parents should be the "praise teacher" of their children's lives
Meng Haiqin
Principal of Zhangzhen Primary School in Shunyi District, Beijing
Education is concerned about the happy growth of children and lays the foundation for a happy and healthy life for children. On the road of children's life growth, parents and teachers should pay more attention to the education of students' emotional attitudes and values, and pay more attention to the cultivation and love of children's mental health.
Parents should use a positive emotional attitude to stimulate their children's potential. Children's "smile on the face, goodness in the heart", these two points are especially important for parents. Many parents think that the "advantages" already exist, and it is useless to say more, but emphasize that correcting the "shortcomings" is perfect. In fact, this is not right, the advantages need to be maintained and continued; praise and appreciation should seek truth from facts, praise more about the child's efforts, struggle, and emotional attitude of treating others well, and praise more from the details, the child will have a more sense of achievement in his heart, and will come out of a confident life.
Parents should correctly look at imperfections and increase their children's self-confidence. Yangchang education says that multiple intelligences, everyone has talents, each has its own beauty; appreciating the child is not only admiring his strengths, but also how to look at his shortcomings. Smart parents, the child's shortcomings and mistakes, will be weakened treatment, not emphasized, not targeted, not entangled; will magnify the child's advantages, and even find the advantages from the deficiencies, so that the child in every appreciation to increase self-confidence, and continue to carry forward the advantages.
Parents should have a normal heart and wait for the flowers to bloom. As a parent, if you want your child to develop better and better, don't easily label your child as "bad", but learn to appreciate your child, so that your child can also learn to appreciate yourself and establish an optimistic attitude towards life. Every child is different. And what we parents should believe is that the blossoms have their own periods, we must be patient and wait for the late flowers, learn to recognize the differences of the child, discover the advantages of the child, guide the child's strengths and weaknesses, recognize the child's potential, and continuously develop various abilities to make it the best in life.
3
Multi-child families are "allocated on demand" to raise their children
Zheng Lu
Psychology teacher at Chaoyang School of Renmin University Affiliated Middle School
Every child deserves and should be "seen" by his or her parents. The famous psychoanalyst Winnicott said that "the infant looks up to his mother and sees himself in the eyes of the mother". That is to say, the interaction process between mother and child affects the formation of the child's personality. In layman's terms: how parents look at their children, children tend to become what kind of people. In families with many children, how can parents "see" all children?
First, take out multiple criteria to observe the child and see all the characteristics of the child. As long as parents do not only have the ruler of academic performance in their hearts, they can find that every child has advantages: some people have good grades, some people love to work, some people are very enthusiastic, and some people are really calm. Parents point out the different advantages of children, which is a great affirmation for children, and children can have self-confidence with parental approval. At the same time, parents do this as a balance for themselves, avoiding judging their children by a standard and creating preference.
Second, look at the advantages first, and then look at the disadvantages. Children with advantages are easy to gain self-confidence, and when children have self-confidence, they can have the confidence to correct what they do not do well. Parents can not stare at the child's disadvantages repeatedly reminded and corrected, which is equivalent to giving the child a continuous "bad evaluation". In fact, most children know in their hearts where they are not doing well, and the child's failure to correct it is not unconscious, it is more likely that he cannot do it. Help the child to adjust his deficiencies appropriately, do not have to be too real, it is necessary to know that the short board is difficult to make up for the growth board.
Third, fairness is not the same, it is distributed on demand. Parents' care and love for their children is difficult to level the bowl of water, there will always be more and less, do not have to strictly require themselves to give each child the same, not only because the characteristics of children are different, and even the same child's state at different times is not the same. They may sometimes need more affirmations and praise, sometimes they need space and freedom, sometimes they need the tap of the daigo... Adapting your parenting strategy to your child's needs at this moment is the best and most challenging parenting method.
4
The evaluation criteria for children should be diverse
Chen Xuefen
Deputy Secretary of the Party Committee of Beijing No. 19 Middle School and psychology teacher
"The World of Man" came to an end, and one of my unforgettable plays was the quarrel between Bingkun and his father at the railway station: "Since you were a child, your brother and your sister have studied well, but what about you?" Your grades are always the bottom" "Even if there is no chore dragging you down, can you get in?" These words of his father tore Bingkun's dignity to pieces, and these words are often heard in real life, requiring parents to wake up and correct.
Can advice not go against the ear. Many parents see "other people's children", immediately compare with their own children, the more angry, what is difficult to hear, obviously love children, but the words spoken are sprinkled salt on the child's wounds, but also the name of "I am for your own good, loyal to the ear." In fact, as long as parents have the heart and understand the psychology of their children, the so-called "advice" can be said in a way that does not go against the ear.
Can the evaluation criteria be more diversified? Many parents only use academic performance and class ranking as indicators of their children's excellence, and always compare with the first place, and over time, the child's self-confidence is destroyed. Parents should be good at seeing the advantages of their children's differences. In fact, the excellent qualities of the child are the driving force that accompanies him to go further, and it is the internal standard that needs to be valued more. For example, kindness and filial piety, integrity and socialism, diligence and responsibility, etc. Just like Bingkun, he used his kindness and kindness to complete the wonderful life of his brother and sister, supported the whole family, and gave his parents a stable and happy old age.
We cannot use a single standard to measure the good and bad of children, nor should we despise the ordinary; on the contrary, we should gladly accept the imperfection of the child and accept the ordinary of the child. Look more at the child's excellent qualities, such as kindness and filial piety, helpfulness, help the weak, dare to take responsibility, if the parent can see these shining qualities in the child, respect the child's personality characteristics, and appreciate and recognize the child, the child will become a very satisfied with himself, will find his love of the way of life and stick to it. In the future, he may not be the leader of the people, may not be the social elite, but as long as they are good-natured, do not violate their conscience and principles, healthy, happy, and down-to-earth to take every step of life, in fact, it is a successful life.
Planner: Wang Xiaoai
Editor: He Wenjie
Editor: Hao Bin
Final Judgement: Wang Yu, Su Jinzhu, Bao Danhe
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