Can't help but scare the parents, where to blame themselves?

As the saying goes: Parenthood is not easy. At the same time, there are also difficulties in being a child.

One of the most common situations is when a child feels remorseful because he can't help but off his parents; and eventually he has to satisfy his parents with anger and guilt. And then the cycle goes on and

In this regard, netizens have a thrilling summary: Me and my mother, love and kill each other. This mode of relationship is very internal to each other, especially the children who return home.

A girl was very distressed and asked me:

"I don't want to help my mother solve some problems, I think she can solve them herself; even I have resistance to helping her solve problems, and often say harsh things to her that I never say to others. Then I will blame myself, is it too much for my mother? Or am I not very fond of love? But as soon as I talked to my mother, I didn't want to cling to her, and I felt very perverted. ”

Not fierce, not separated

The girl's entanglement reflected a picture in my mind.

The child went to kindergarten on the first day, and because of the fear of separation from his mother, the mother and daughter bargained at the door. The mother kept reassuring, the child was difficult to face the facts and cry non-stop, and finally exhausted the mother's patience, even drinking and scolding the belt to push the teacher, the scene was heart-wrenching.

The mother turned around and wiped away the tears, and in turn experienced that many children have a complex experience of love and hate intertwined and helpless in the face of their parents' "transgressive" behavior.

On the one hand, they may bear the infamy of filial piety, and on the other hand, they may not be able to stretch their own imprisonment.

Psychologically, the parents are the little friends who can't leave their children, and the relationship is reversed. Forcing children to interfere in the life of small families according to their own ideas; allowing children to solve their own responsibilities instead; kidnapping one of the children in families with many children to provide benefit assistance to siblings, and so on.

If not, you just don't have a conscience, and I'll get sick and show you. How sick you are, it depends on how deeply you hurt me. Whether in life or in counseling, children who are afraid of being sick because of their own rejection abound.

Parents who are strong at heart may occasionally play weak in order to promote their children's self-improvement; parents who are weak in heart are really weak, and their only hope is to realize their own demands through their children.

Children have to pay the price of suppressing themselves.

At this time, the impatient attitude towards the parents, the harsh words, and even the uncontrollable yelling of the parents are all trying to push the parents away with greater strength to clear the borders, in order to avoid the danger of being squeezed flat.

If the relationship is refreshing, you can talk to each other well, you don't have to work so hard. "Being cruel" to parents is not the child's intention, but a choice of last resort just for self-protection.

I hated my mother for not making steel

The resentment of "hating iron is not steel" usually refers to parents to their children, but the reality we see is the opposite.

After a consultation that had gone on for more than 100 years, the client and I talked about the end. Strangely enough, in the last two or three consultations, she always looked for a reason to express her dissatisfaction with me, either because I was incompetent or what I did wrong.

In view of my previous understanding of her, I simply asked her directly: "Are you worried that after our consultation, I will lose one less income, and then it will be miserable not to live?" ”

She was confused at first, and then laughed until she couldn't. Laughing enough, she was a little embarrassed to admit: "As if you were right. ”

He paused and said, "That's how I feel about my mom." She always couldn't reassure me to be myself. ”

It's like if a child can go to kindergarten happily, and the mother can go to work at ease, which is the same reason.

So sometimes we are fierce parents, not because we don't love, but because we expect our parents to "grow up".

People who carry guilt don't go far

Often a fragile mother who will perform injuries in front of her daughter and try her best to convince her children that my injuries are caused by you, and you have to feel guilty and then take responsibility for me.

Correspondingly, the daughter will also create various scenes of hurting herself in her intimate relationship. For example, find a scumbag, overpay for the other person, and constantly experience the feeling of hurt.

Unconsciously, doing so will achieve two goals: one is to maintain identification with the mother, and the other is to alleviate some of the guilt.

It's like saying, Mom, look, I'm not doing well, stop condemning me.

Another, somewhat opposite, is manifested in the fact that the mother's care for her daughter is very meticulous and comprehensive enough to be irrefutable.

A high school girl, her mother is particularly busy at work, but as long as she has a little free time, she is bent on her daughter. The girl is also very sensible and never bothers her mother.

One night, when she came back from self-study, her mother asked her daughter if she wanted to eat egg fried rice or white rice. The daughter had egg fried rice in mind, but in order to lighten her mother's burden a little, she blurted out white rice.

What she did not expect was that in fact, her mother had already made egg fried rice, and after hearing her daughter's answer, she immediately remade white rice and "ordered" her father to eat the egg fried rice.

She wanted to tell her mother that it was okay to eat egg fried rice, but she opened her mouth and swallowed it back, feeling very upset and guilty.

Between this mother and daughter, the mother's meticulousness is more like compensation for her lack of early years, but this airtight care does not leave room for the daughter to show her true self.

She seemed to be telling her daughter: I am weak, and you must understand my kindness to you in the way I define. As a result, the slightest thought of stretching her daughter will strike a sense of guilt.

For my daughter, the true self stops developing and walks the world with a false self – I can only focus on the needs of others and take care of other people's feelings.

Guilt, not all bad things

Many psychology enthusiasts know that if one is unable to make oneself more successful and comfortable, one is most likely dragged down by the so-called "Oedipal conflict."

This stems from the subconscious fantasies of being a little boy or little girl. We fantasize about successfully possessing parents of the opposite sex and being punished by parents of the same sex.

The difference is that the boy is targeted at the father, and whether successful or not, he will not lose the mother who has cared for him from birth.

But for the girl, it is a conundrum of conflict; because the mother that the girl is attacking is also her caregiver.

This is the gender difference proposed by Bernstein (1993) in his study of the connotations of the "superego," in which the content of fear in girls' superego is often associated with motherhood.

The study found that whenever a girl is considering initiating an active, competitive activity, from the fantasy of age 3 to the reality of early adulthood, the mother will consciously or unconsciously come to the girl's mind, and the girl will begin to worry about the mother's denial or even worry about losing her.

For example, when a young woman said in therapy, "When I was very young, I wanted to get my dad's attention and get my mom out. But immediately remembering my guilt and fear, I was thinking, who will take care of us after that? ”

Bring this perspective back to the reality of harsh words and guilt to parents. Speaking harshly symbolizes that adult women try to push their mother away and focus on developing themselves, but at this time she has more consideration.

On the one hand, from the mother's point of view, the daughter will feel guilty for betraying her mother's need to continue to live with her; on the other hand, the daughter needs to use guilt to alleviate the fear of attacking or losing the mother.

To sum up, daughters need to use guilt to balance the issues of loyalty and betrayal, symbiosis and separation, and the move toward independence with their mothers.

These will help women stay aware on the path of being themselves, which is the positive meaning that guilt brings to women.

Deal with feelings of guilt in reality

Under normal circumstances, children are willing to be used by their parents and can experience a sense of self-worth and happiness in doing things for their parents; provided that the parents' own sense of boundaries is clear, the child is also happy to be used, and the relationship flows healthily.

Children who trigger more guilt are often overused by their parents.

You may have heard the phrase "resolute without hostility" that applies in many relationships, and many people try to respond effectively.

The reason is that your rejection and firmness are not the harm you imagined to cause to your parents, but can actually bring their parents a sense of security and certainty.

Offense makes sense, it's the same as educating children. We all know that it is important to love children and give them freedom, but don't forget the more important point: firmly tell children where the boundaries are, children are free to create within the boundaries, and they feel safe and truly loved.

Similarly, try a few more times, and we treat our parents with gentleness and firmness when they cross the line, and then we don't have to endure such a strong sense of guilt.

In addition, parents are not so fragile, even if we say that ruin can be destroyed. Don't forget, in the process of raising children, they have received a thousand hammers and tribulations.

Author: Xu Yahui, second-level psychological counselor, UM psychology writer; humanity observer and understanding.

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