Author: New One
"Our relationship with our parents is the foundation on which we associate with others and build relationships as adults." - "The Original Family: How to Mend Your Character Flaws"
There is a hot question on Zhihu: What is it like to have a very good family?
The highest praise answered: Hungry to think of mother, tired to go home, never wronged, because there is a father.
Most of these children grow up to be bold, cheerful, not afraid of other people's eyes, dare to follow the heart and live, and know how to care for people to make people comfortable.
Can't help but sigh: lucky people are healed by childhood all their lives.
These two days I read "The Original Family: How to Mend My Own Character Defects" (Dr. Susan Foward's book) and got a lot of inspiration to share with you.
How big is the impact of the original family on a person? The author explains the principle: "The child's absorption of verbal and nonverbal information is like a sponge absorbing water — completely and indiscriminately received. They listen to their parents, observe their behavior, and imitate their behavior.
Side effects of incompetent parents are not easy to detect and difficult to define. The link between problems that arise in adulthood and toxic parenting styles is hard to spot. ”
Some people will sympathize with their parents, feel that they have raised themselves to the best of their ability, and they are all "for my own good". But this obscures the fact that if parents are unable to assume the role model of their child's positive role, it will be difficult for the child's emotions to develop healthily.
Stills from "All Is Well"
01
The 5 "toxic" logics of the original family
1. "Co-dependent" type
In real life, there is a type of girl who often encounters scumbags, and even the other party still chooses to endure silently after many cheats. They believe that if they are good enough to give and forgive, they will one day be able to impress men, make men realize their mistakes, and eventually return to themselves. But these men didn't.
A similar story is recorded in the book "Original Family", a girl's father has a successful career but has a lot of mood swings, often loses his temper because of trivial matters, and then closes the door like a child and cries, and she can only go into the house to comfort her father.
The girl's parents never asked her how she felt, leading her to develop a mindset that "defines herself by her parents' feelings rather than her own."
In her childhood, she needed a strong father to give her self-confidence, but she had to take care of her childish father.
The "sucking slag" physique of such girls is a repetition of childhood experiences. She needs to learn to respect her own needs and emotions and be cared for by others again.
2. Self-dwarfing type
This pattern is common in single-parent households. Regardless of the reason for the parent's divorce, the departure of either parent will cause the child to have a very painful sense of loss and emptiness. Children are prone to feel that it is their own fault that separates their parents, produces a self-dwarfing psychology, and loses the direction of life.
3. "Control" type
Manipulation is not necessarily a derogatory term, and if a mother controls a four-year-old child and does not let him take to the streets, this "manipulation" is reasonable. If in ten years the child can cross the street independently, and the parents still do it, it is overcontrollment.
Children who are overly controlled by their parents often cannot get rid of the guidance and control of their parents when they reach adulthood, so the parents justifiably interfere in their lives.
The mantra of manipulative parents is "This is all for your own good" "I do it all for you"...
In fact, their subconscious is: "I do this for fear of losing you, so I would rather let you live in a state where you can't be independent." ”
Manipulative parents also have a manifestation - mother-in-law and daughter-in-law contradiction, for them, the child's spouse is also a competitor, in this way, it is easy to shake the child's marital relationship.
The book "The Family of Origin" states that "the transfer of control in normal families often begins in the adolescence of children, while in toxic families, this deprivation of healthy and beneficial relationships will lag for many years, or even never be realized." ”
4. Comparison type
"Why can't you be like your sister?" Many parents will compare one child to other children, highlighting their shortcomings and making him feel that he is not doing a good job.
Children usually have two choices: either obey and desperately try to please their parents, or rebel and abandon themselves. Either choice is not conducive to psychological liberation. Rebellion seems to promote psychological relief, but in fact it is firmly "controlled" by parents.
As long as your feelings for your parents are strong (whether obedient or resistant), you give them the power to emotionally torture you so that they can continue to control you.
5. Corporal punishment type
If a child is subjected to corporal punishment by his parents, and his childhood is full of anxiety, tension and pain, these emotions will slowly evolve into negative expectations and vigilance, and he will always make the worst assumptions about people in adulthood, feeling that he will be hurt like childhood, so wrap himself in a thick shell and not let people easily approach. In fact, this shell is not protection, but a deep bondage.
Research shows that many children who are abused in childhood do not grow up to be abusive parents, but they are not good at a gentle, non-violent way of educating.
02
How to get rid of the influence of the original family?
1. Draw your responsibilities and liberate yourself
"Many counselors claim to have forgiven their toxic parents, but I find that their condition often doesn't improve in the slightest by forgiving, and they still feel sorry for themselves," the authors write.
Through these years of medical experience, it can be seen that only by liberating yourself from the control of toxic parents can you obtain true peace of emotion and inner peace, and you do not necessarily have to forgive them. True liberation can only come after releasing the grief and anger in your heart, and putting the blame on those responsible, your parents. ”
2. Allow yourself to be angry
Anger, like joy and fear, has nothing to do with right or wrong, it is just a feeling. It belongs to you, it is part of your humanity. Anger is also a signal that sends important messages like that your power is being trampled on, that you are being insulted and exploited, that no one cares about your needs, and so on.
Children from toxic families accumulate more anger in their hearts as adults than the average person.
You can exercise, and exercise helps you dissolve anger, release inner tension, increase endorphins— compounds secreted by the brain, and promote the production of pleasant emotions.
Confronting anger increases your energy, and suppressing anger is the most exhausting.
Anger can also help you free yourself from a compromised, parent-feared relationship pattern and focus your attention on yourself.
3. "Confront" your parents and confess your feelings
"When I urged counselors to confront their parents, they were mostly reluctant. But if you don't find a way to deal with your fears, guilt, and anger towards your parents, you'll transfer it to your spouse and children. The author wrote.
When confronting, remember four communication steps:
1) What you have done to me
2) That's how I felt at the time
3) That's how it affected my life
4) This is what I ask of you
You can be a teacher to your parents, instructing them on how to wait for you and how to communicate with you in an atmosphere of no criticism or aggression.
In a standoff, most parents will fight back. These actions are all aimed at regaining the stability of the family and returning you to your original state of obedience.
Remember: the most important thing is not their reaction, but your response.
If your parents show anger after a confrontation, you may be tempted to fight back and try to avoid verbally provoking your parents.
If you can't talk to your parents directly, you can also talk to relatives of your parents' generation about your past with your parents, and talking about your heart is a very beneficial emotional release in itself.
Whatever happens during or after the confrontation, as long as you have the courage to put it into action, you are the winner. In the future, you will no longer be subject to the fear of being trapped in an old role with your parents. The responsibility for facilitating change to happen is yours, not them.
03
Write at the end
"Toxic family systems are like a chain of tailgating on a highway, and their bad effects are passed on from generation to generation."
This system was not invented by your parents, but a set of feelings, rules, and ideas that have been gradually accumulated from your ancestors.
All of us are forged by the melting pot of the family. The family is not only a blood relationship, but also a system. Each member of the family influences each other deeply and in covertly.
Emotional independence doesn't mean you have to cut ties with your parents, you can be yourself, and your parents don't have to change the way they are.
Maintain emotional integrity and be true to what is true to your heart. You can definitely free that "child" from the tense inner drama.
To know:
You did not come into this world to heal your family, but to heal yourself.
You did not come into this world to heal your parents, but to blossom your life.
Bloggers: Xinyi, Fudan MBA, bachelor's degree in China Transmission; former Hurun TOP30 financial new media editor-in-chief, interviewed hundreds of business leaders; now focuses on individual development research and education.