Many people who love each other do not know why, and they disperse as they walk.
So many people will ask me, why? Is it true that you don't love?
Actually not, just because there is no sense of proportion.
I have asked many people a question: How do you think you should love someone?
Many people's answer is: use it all, give it all.
But I would like to say that it is more important to love yourself than to love each other. What's more important than wanting to be with each other all the time is how much space you're given.
Because, love is restraint.
Xiao A has been in love with her boyfriend for three years, and in the eyes of outsiders, the two people are not matched, and even in terms of personality, there is no fit at all, one is extroverted and one is introverted, one likes to stay home, and one likes to attend various parties.
But in the eyes of outsiders, the two people who are incompatible are now talking about marriage and marriage.
Xiao A's friend asked her how to get along with her boyfriend, so that her boyfriend would love himself so much.
Xiao A said: "When we were together, he never let me change anything for him, I like the house, he wants to accompany me, he does not want to accompany me, after discussing with me, I will also promise him to let him go out to play by himself." When encountering some contradictory things, we will never intensify the contradictions, nor will we use emotions to solve the problem. ”
And when a friend asked Xiao A how he saw her boyfriend in contact with the opposite sex, Xiao A's remarks surprised me next to me.
She said: "I also have friends of the opposite sex, he also has, but we will never ask too much, nor will we interfere too much, after all, trust is the foundation, and there are friends of the opposite sex, even if the chat is very good, as long as they have their own bottom line and principles, not to cross the line is OK, after all, really want to cheat, you can't stop it, not a cheating person, you don't need to care."
It is this open-mindedness about love that makes two people very sweet all the time.
And this open-mindedness is simply: a sense of proportion. No one will cross the line, and they will not put their hands to each other's lives.
The boyfriend let Xiao A fully do himself and keep himself the most original; and Xiao A also respects the boyfriend's lifestyle. That's why I always say in class that the essence of intimacy is that two people get along very comfortably and easily.
It is because, in love, they give each other enough space, and they can grasp each other's sense of boundaries, and a comfortable relationship is established.
But what if not? When a relationship has no boundaries and no sense of proportion, it will lead to one party feeling that the relationship is suffocated and oppressive.
Therefore, even in love, we must refrain from understanding that everyone is an independent individual. Understand that the sense of proportion in love is not to alienate each other, but to maintain an optimal distance, mutual respect and acceptance.
Some girls lack of security, they will constantly ask for security, use various controlling behaviors to control each other, let the other party meet their own needs; or use excessive flattery behavior to try to keep the other party by their side.
But whether it is the former or the latter, it is a violation of the boundaries of others.
Control: Violating the habits of others that others should have.
For example, the other party wants to go out to a party, but you say that you can't accompany you, and even say that the other party only values friends outside and doesn't care about yourself.
Excessive flattery: Ignore your own boundaries and overdo some low-level behavior.
For example, in order to keep the other party by their side, or even to make the other party love themselves more, they will ignore their emotions and emotions, even if they can't bear it, they will do it. This kind of belonging, giving up one's own sense of boundaries for the sake of others.
But no matter what it is, over time, feelings will have problems.
So, I often say, don't put insecurity, or some need not being met, but put this state above taking. Because of the lack of multiple degrees, it is bound to be excessively demanding, and once it is excessively demanding, it is equivalent to violating the boundaries of others and ignoring one's own sense of boundaries.
It was a long time, and both of us were uncomfortable with each other.
Whether it's on live or in a private message back to you, I often question you: "Do you think they want it?" And the answer is: "I think", "I feel" and "I think" are words that take themselves as the starting point.
However, we have overlooked the problem that "you feel" that is what the other party wants, but have you ever thought about it, whether the other party really wants it.
In other words, I may want to drink water when I am thirsty, but my partner thinks that eating a fruit can also quench my thirst, and then hand me an apple. Maybe I'll eat it, because that's her kindness, but is that what I really need? Not.
This is also a mistake we often make in our relationships.
What you give is only what you think the other person needs, but it is not what the other person really needs in their subjective consciousness.
This is also a state of behavior that does not grasp a good sense of proportion.
The sense of proportion in love is that each other is in a comfortable state.
The words without a sense of proportion are: all your choices are wrong, and you must listen to me.
And the words with a sense of proportion are: Although my ideas are different from yours, I respect your choice.
Like a phrase we often say in relationships, "I'm all for your own good," that statement itself transcends a sense of boundaries. The implication is that I do this for your own good. But when I do this, I do this, which may be unacceptable to the other party, which is to lose the sense of proportion and boundary.
Remember, everyone has an acceptable psychological boundary, and if it goes beyond a certain range, it is reluctant for the other person. And if the other party is reluctantly doing this, it means that you have violated the boundaries of others and lost the sense of proportion in the intimate relationship that you deserve.
Therefore, sober up, don't feel in love, you should always be together, you have to manage everything on the other side, and you have to judge and point fingers at what the other party does.
Give the other person the space to remain independent, respect each other's choices and lifestyle. If at a certain point, you can't achieve unity, then boldly express your ideas.
Because only recognition, understanding, and acceptance will produce love.
To put it simply, only when you express your own ideas, the other party will agree with your behavior, will understand what you really need through your behavior, will accept your current state, and finally transform into love.
And those who feel that they are not loved in their feelings are actually because they are not in the relationship, feeling recognized, understood, and accepted.
For a relationship, there is no sense of proportion, which is equivalent to the lover's excess.
Maybe love is too hard, or it's too much interference in each other's lives.
Just imagine, if there is a person who treats you like this for a long time, will you not be able to stand it? Suffocation? You will feel less and less like yourself.
You will feel that your life is always controlled by the other party, interfered with by the other party, the kind of person who can't live according to your own wishes, choose what you want, and anyone will feel suffocated.
Really good feelings, is their own life, in love each other at the same time can better love themselves, each other have independent space, but also have their own little secrets, will not interfere too much in each other's life, in such a state, two people get along will be relaxed, pleasant.
People who do not have a strong sense of proportion will provoke the other party's disgust after a long time.
Because, the most important manifestation of the sense of inadequacy is to intervene in each other's lives.
Imagine a person who always crosses boundaries and interferes with himself, who would like this way?
The point is: a sense of proportion doesn't mean that we don't care about this person.
Instead, let your feelings be at ease when they are in love. After all, love is restraint, if you do not understand restraint, you will cross the line, will make the other party uncomfortable.
So, love is that the lover loves oneself first; love is, leaving room for feelings; love is, respecting, inclusive, recognizing and understanding each other; love is, you are in love with each other, but you are independent individuals.
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C