Author | MISS Rose Source | Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio ID: zqfxlgzs
In the Malaysian drama "Brave New World", which was once called "brain-opening" by netizens, there is such a unit story:
The future law stipulates that "children make mistakes, parents are guilty", and if children break the law, the Ministry of Education will sentence parents to lose their qualifications and must go to labor camps to receive a new education, learn how to be a parent, and pass the exam to reduce the sentence of their children.
A couple was informed that their son had committed "malicious harm", the child was imprisoned, and the parents were put in camp.
But they couldn't figure out why their children would kill people.
You know, the son has been "someone else's child" since he was a child, with excellent grades and a well-behaved personality, which is the pride of the couple.
Through investigation, it is found that the truth is far more cruel than imagined:
The son has a girlfriend at school, is recognized as a "bad girl", he has been reluctant to disclose the existence of his girlfriend, the girlfriend is pregnant, he and his friends together to shoot the girl's indecent video to threaten.
The friend's conscience was uneasy and wanted to turn himself in, and the angry son stabbed him more than a dozen times, and was proved by his girlfriend to be a "violent maniac".
At the moment of seeing the crime video, the couple was like five thunderbolts, and they began to reflect in their confusion: Are we giving too much, or are we giving too little?
The name of this story is called "Mirror", which many people interpret as:
Parents are the child's first teacher, parents' cognition, words and deeds have an important impact on children, like a mirror to guide children's growth.
And I think the full interpretation should also include another perspective:
The child is also a mirror of the parents, and the problems that the children have may reflect the problems of the parents or the family.
The key is whether parents are aware of it, or are willing to admit it.
"Arrogant" parents
"Arrogance" here is not pejorative, but presents a state in which most parents fall into unconsciousness: blind parenting.
According to a survey by the All-China Women's Federation, 50% of parents do not know what method to use to educate their children, and most parents have different degrees of parenting anxiety.
Due to the lack of correct parenting concepts and guidance, many people face the trepidation of new parents and mothers, and most of them will choose the most familiar way to raise their children, often a reproduction (or excessive compensation) of the main body of the way they have been "raised".
As a result, the mistakes and traumas made by the previous generation in the process of parenting may subtly affect the children through themselves.
The most terrible thing about education without scrutiny and thinking is that it makes mistakes without knowing it, and even complacent because of the child's superficial excellence, until the problem breaks out.
There may be two very different kinds of parents at this time.
The first is to face the problem head-on, reflect and take responsibility for yourself.
Family system theory holds that the child's problem is the refraction of the family problem.
For example, children are short-tempered and capricious.
If parents can analyze the essence through the "problem", they will find that the problem is not isolated, it may be that the family environment gives him a lack of security, or it may be that the parents' own temper is very impatient, which is an extension of the family system problem.
This "God perspective" can bring parents a lot of new ideas and inspiration, and it is possible to block the continued fermentation of some original family problems in time.
The second is to evade the problem, trying to split the child's problem and let it "carry the pot" on its own.
Some time ago, the Deer Dawson incident stirred up thousands of waves on the Internet, and a suicide note of more than 5,000 words described the hardships he experienced since he was a child, of which the proportion of native families was very high:
Anxious and strong mother, grumpy and absent father, neglected self has long suffered rough emotional treatment, even if bullied by the school, it is still ignored, can not feel love and warmth.
"In the face of a new environment, a new group, where should my uneasiness be placed, and how should I integrate into a new group?" No one ever cared... Just because I looked like a girl when I was young, I was bullied and verbally violent at school. My family always said that I didn't like to talk and didn't like to say hello, but no one ever thought that a person would become like this. ”
His parents see the problem, but the way they look at the problem is static and fragmented, as if the child's problem is innate, or it is tossed out by themselves, in short, it has nothing to do with the parents.
But in fact, the family environment leads to a weak personality and a lack of sufficient care and support at vulnerable moments, which may be the reason why children "do not like to talk, do not like to say hello", and then be bullied.
This way of thinking is very common, in the face of children's problems, some parents just blindly blame and criticize, and blame all the faults on the children themselves.
Such parents, often because their personality is not strong enough, in order to protect the fragile narcissism, the subconscious will automatically activate the defense mechanism of splitting and projection, projecting the child as "bad", then they are "good", thus maintaining a relatively good level of self-feeling.
After Lu Dawson committed suicide due to depression, his aunt came forward to speak out for his parents: his family did not give him any pressure, it may be that he thought too much, and his parents were very good to him and had taken out loans to let him start a business.
The original intention of my aunt's voice may be to relieve the pressure of parents.
Unfortunately, this sentence still expresses another meaning.
If you blindly immerse yourself in the self-righteous "good" and deliberately avoid the reasons and responsibilities behind the child's problems, it may become the beginning of the tragedy of the original family.
Resentful children
What follows this tragedy is the regurgitation from the child.
Children who grow up alone to endure the "bad" attacks of their parents will not only consolidate and strengthen the "bad" parts, but may also have some other psychological problems.
Because parents put their children in opposition in "division", this will make the child feel abandoned and disliked, he is bad, and the parent is unreliable and insecure.
Inferiority, lack of love, lack of security, the so-called "original family sequelae" mostly come from this.
With the growth and expansion of consciousness and cognition, when children gradually realize that many of the problems that hinder their development are inextricably linked to their parents, the grievances and resentment in their hearts are immediately ignited.
There are also two very different manifestations at this time.
The first is to suppress emotions and attack inwards.
Most of them are weak in their personality and unable to "attack" their parents, or think that their parents are weak and their own attacks will destroy them, so they choose to suppress this strong emotion in their hearts and bear it by themselves.
This is the case with Lu Dawson and most people with depression, and the only time they officially "attacked" their parents may only appear in a suicide note.
The second is to attack outwards and confront your parents head-on.
To a lesser extent, they may have fierce quarrels with their parents, accuse their parents of various faults, vent their emotions in large quantities, and even sever their relationships;
To a heavier extent, it may be directly seen in action, punishing parents through "self-abandonment".
For example, a visitor, who has no stable job, has a violent personality, is confused and idle every day, and has to eat old at home with peace of mind.
His father cheated on him at an early age, divorced his mother and reorganized the family, so he paid little attention to him.
And this family change has almost changed the life of the visitor, he has slowly changed from a sunny and handsome teenager to a gloomy and lazy "strange person" in everyone's eyes.
But the father did not reflect on it, seeing his son's appearance, he only felt ashamed, and occasionally meeting was a net fall and blame.
He was full of resentment towards his father in his heart, and threw a sentence in a big quarrel, "I will not look at you again when you are dead", and completely cut off contact with him.
It is also after that that the visitor believes that his failed life is caused by his parents, simply "lying flat", eating and waiting for death, but the rest of his life.
"The fault is all in you, I am innocent and good, you are responsible for my life", when the child also activates the defense mechanism of "division-projection", trying to push all the responsibility back to the parents, a family tragedy almost becomes a foregone conclusion in this "reincarnation".
The problem can no longer find a bearer, and the relationship between the two sides continues to deteriorate, thus becoming a "dead knot" that the original family has no solution to.
Solution
Since the root of the "dead knot" lies in the two sides shirking responsibility from each other, the way to crack it should start from claiming their own responsibilities.
For parents, it is important to establish a dynamic and systematic parenting thinking, once the child has a problem, the first thing to realize may be that the family system or education method is wrong, which is also an opportunity for parents to reflect and grow.
On this basis, work with the child to face the problem, solve the problem, if the ability is indeed limited, but also let the child know that his problem comes from within the family, the parents also have responsibilities.
In the Korean drama "Please Answer 1988", the heroine Deok Sun is the unloved second in the family, and the care of her parents is more concentrated on the excellent big sister and the young little brother.
Once, Virtue and Kindness broke out and ran away from home.
Dad found her and said something sincere:
Mom and Dad are sorry for you, Dad is not born to be a Dad, Dad is also the first time to be a Dad, so my daughter is a little considerate.
Deshan couldn't help but cry and vent, and the father realized that his daughter had suffered so much and bought a cake to apologize to her.
Sometimes, "showing weakness" in front of children will not damage the sense of authority, but will make children feel the sincerity of their parents, which can maintain love and trust, and may also let children burst out of their own strength after understanding the limitations of their parents.
For children, what needs to be responsible is their own life.
"Throwing the pot" or "abandoning yourself" will only make yourself the biggest victim.
Maybe you have a very bad birth family, and it has caused a lot of trouble.
But while you realize this, you also have the option: let the impact stop or continue.
Just like Su Mingyu in "All Is Well", even though she suffered a lot of trauma in the patriarchal family, she was the most wonderful one after being withdrawn from the original family.
The death of the original family is only one of the limitations of life, and we will surely move forward with these limitations.
How to help yourself jump out of limitations and experience a broader life by enhancing your own strength and weakening or even dissolving these influences is actually one of the important issues in life.
On January 1, 2022, the Law of the People's Republic of China on the Promotion of Family Education came into effect, and for the first time in China, the responsibilities and obligations of parents in family education were clarified from a legislative perspective.
This is a good guide and guideline, which has a positive significance for reducing "blind parenting" and guiding parents to truly "qualified".
In the final analysis, parents are the foundation of the original family, and the high-quality parenting of parents will certainly reduce the so-called "original family problem" from the source.
Looking forward to the future, we will also usher in a more harmonious and happier "brave new world".
Special Reminder: