Lu Qin, a famous family education expert: The trap of companionship - five kinds of love is harmful

Lu Qin, a well-known family education expert and chief education expert of China Children's Press and Publication Corporation

Hosted by Tencent News and Tencent Parenting, the 2021 Tencent Smart Parenting Annual Ceremony was successfully held in Beijing on January 11, bringing together experts and scholars in the field of parenting, maternal and infant big V, industry associations and institutional representatives, with the theme of "Journey to the Future, All the Way to Children", to analyze and discuss the current parenting environment, children's education hotspots and maternal and infant trends, and to seek valuable and innovative parenting concepts for the healthy development of mothers and babies. Lu Qin, a well-known family education expert and chief education expert of China Children's Press and Publication Corporation, delivered a keynote speech entitled "The Trap of Companionship - Five Kinds of Love Harm" as the guest speaker of this grand event.

The following is a transcript of the scene:

Chairman Wang Weiguo said particularly well, the family needs temperature, the child needs companionship, but if there is no temperature for companionship, it falls into the trap, and there are five kinds of love that are harmful to children.

The first is coddling, which will make the child very ruthless. There is an old father who raised his son because his wife died early, sent him to college, and after marriage, he did not work, ate Lao Tzu's drink, and the reason was that if you gave birth to me, you had to raise me. And this "Lao Tzu" is for people to move. A single mother raised her child and sent her child abroad, the child asked the mother to help see her son, and when she arrived in the United States, she found out where she was the mother, she was a nanny. She wrote an article titled "I Love Him So Much, Did He Love Me?"

When we face these ruthlessness, we must think about where is the problem in our education, where is the root cause of the lack of love in children? Excessive coddling, unlimited indulgence, so that there is no one else in the child's heart, only himself. So what should we do in the face of such coddling? That is to share, sharing can make children have others in their hearts, and our family today is child-centered, and everything can be with children. In my family, my mom had six children and never did that.

She taught us to share with the phrase, "Give mom a bite", my mom has six children, bought six popsicles, didn't buy it for herself, my mom asked all the kids to give her a bite. My brother and sister were very proactive, "Mom, you take a bite." "I'm the fifth oldest, every time I hide behind, I hope my mother had better take a small bite, it's best not to bite a bite, my mother takes a big bite every time, I can be distressed." Slowly getting used to it, my mother didn't take a bite, as if this thing wasn't so tasty.

When my mother was dying, she wanted to eat two things, one wanted to drink Beijing's bean juice, and the other wanted to eat persimmons. I ran all over the capital and finally bought bean juice and sent it to the hospital, "Mom, bean juice." "My mom drank two bowls and said it was delicious, and I had a sense of accomplishment. Then I couldn't buy persimmons, and the persimmons didn't come down, so I bought two oranges on the street, "Mom, this is a persimmon." "My mom tasted it and said that the persimmons have changed their flavor this year.

One day I went to the home of the director of the State Education Commission to deliver invitations, and he bought a lot of small persimmons from the morning market, and I chose six and rushed to the hospital, "Mom, persimmons, really." "My mom ate two and said it was delicious, and I was so happy. A few days later my mother passed away, she left no regrets, she ate what she wanted to eat most in her childhood, so sharing became the family style of my family, and our children grew up in sharing.

When my son was in kindergarten, after the show, the teacher gave each child two pieces of chocolate, my son stood up, ran to the back of the parent group to find me and said, "Mom, share your piece", "Thank you", open his mouth and eat it on the spot. The child went back proudly. A mother next to me said enviously, look how happy you are, look at my son who ate both, and didn't even glance at me. I said it wasn't a day's work.

When my son was four years old, he always divided a plate when he watched his grandfather stir-fry, and he asked why he wanted to divide a plate, and grandpa said that your mother has not returned? Your aunt hasn't come back yet? One day he whispered to me, "Mom, I'll tell you a secret, who comes back late is the right one, and Grandpa is the best to stay." He called one day when he was in senior grade, "Mom, you came back early, there's something good about it." I said yes, I didn't go back after three fights. There was a problem with the newspaper that day, and I didn't get home until 9 o'clock. The children are asleep, my mother said that your son did not have white pain, today with grandpa to learn to fry shrimp, he called you, you did not come back, he ate the smallest and most ugly, the biggest and most beautiful left to you. I ate my son's first fried shrimp with tears in my eyes, and it was so fragrant. And today, his shrimp is fried as much as possible, he is more than 40 years old, braised prawns, I really think it is too refreshing to eat, so if you don't want your child to dot on him, you let him make sure to put you first, let him have you in his heart.

The second is for love, for love makes children become very incompetent. Everything is done for the child, so the child not only becomes impotent in life, but also has no confidence in himself. He felt that he could do nothing, and that the child who grew up in this kind of substitution would not work even after graduating from college, because he could not face the world. He is at home for the elderly, he is at home to eat the old, and he can't get out. What if Mom and Dad are very confused? I said that in the beginning, you should let him do his own things, learn to do things at home, rush to do everyone's things, and do the things of the country enthusiastically, and he would be fine if he had a sense of responsibility. They say what now? I said that if you don't want to raise children for love, it is two words "use". The knife is not sharpened, people do not have to be bright, children from childhood to use, I have two sentences to send to our parents, the first sentence to enjoy your son, to the son said, there is a son without a son is not the same, son who? Man, how to write male characters? The force of a force, the field of a field, men should have masculinity, now the boy has become a promise, the boy's name has changed, you see before it was gang, iron, mountain, river, now Yangyang, Babe, into the name of the pet. I went to the door of a school, and it was after school, and I heard my mother shout, Baby, when the baby appeared in front of me, I was frightened, taller than me. Yes, the child is the treasure in the mother's heart, but he is the pillar of the country tomorrow, so big is still called baby, how can he become a man?

So I told my son from a young age that having a son is different from not having a son, and at the age of three and a half, I carried him to the car, and I got down with my legs on it. Mom, what's wrong with you? The mother went to the countryside to join the queue, broke her leg, held the child on the car, he immediately jumped down and beat my legs, I said in my heart that having a son is not the same as not having a son, and I will never let me hug it again.

The second grade day is very hot, as soon as you enter the door, "Mom, you drink tea, I poured it for you, the tea is already cold", I don't like to drink herbal tea, deliberately drink it, "Great, I am thirsty, there is a son is different, if it is hot, it will be good." The next day I didn't have to say, I drank the hot tea that my son poured, the fourth grade dad was going on a business trip, he was happy, I said you are happy, I am miserable, I can't go home and cook for you. The child patted his chest and said that there was still me, very early after school, fried two plates of dishes, a buckle in the bowl, I entered the door, "Mom, wash your hands and go, I will give you rice to go", especially obedient. Waiting for the meal, I started eating and asked me how it tasted? I said it tasted great. The child asks "how is it better than my dad"? "Much stronger than your dad", in fact, the fried is far worse than his dad, not fried, I have eaten, while eating while saying that it is delicious and delicious, the child has learned to cook since childhood.

One year during the Spring Festival, my father was not at home, when he lived on the 10th floor, I lived on the 13th floor, called me "Mom, come down at 12 o'clock to eat", New Year's Day, I went, made a table of delicious food, finished eating, said delicious? Delicious, full? I said I'm full, you can go up and rest, I'll clean up, I'll get up and go. I think about how happy a woman is that two men love. Why don't you use a boy, you have to do a mountain, the child is a small grass, the child is always a small grass; you have to do a big umbrella, the child is a chicken, the child is always a chicken, change the position, you do the grass, let the child mountain, the child can grow into a mountain, you make a chicken, let the child make a big umbrella, the child can stand up to the sky, this is the way to cultivate boys. Boys can only be herded, not captive, can only be used and can not serve, habitual children like harmful children. But today many parents are reluctant to use their children.

A boy told me that he was there at night to write homework, his father was there watching TV, I think they were thirsty, poured two cups of tea, my parents drank tea, I think they must be very happy, I didn't expect the two of them to say at the same time, don't use the kung fu of pouring tea to come out to watch TV, know that you are a weasel to give chickens a new year is not at ease, go to go, you go to school, the test 100 points is stronger than anything, the boy told me to pour tea like this again, I am not a person, a cup of tea is important or 100 points is important?

A cup of tea is more important to parents than 100 points. I told many mothers that if there are boys who use it now, if you don't use it now, other women will have nothing to do with you in the future. What about girls? Appreciate the daughter, say to the daughter that it is good to have a daughter, the daughter is the mother of tomorrow, need love, love needs appreciation, all girls who grow up in appreciation love and love themselves.

There is a father, now the child's most lack of father's love, there is a father always tell the child, it is good to have a daughter, the child often bring him slippers and towels. One day the child came back from kindergarten to see his father lying on the bed very anxious, touched his father's head and said, Dad you have a fever, you don't cry, I gave you medicine, went back to my room and took two pieces of fruity vitamin C, told my father to take medicine, don't cry delicious, dad obediently swallowed two tablets, said to himself, it is good to have a daughter. When the father says this to the daughter, he should be soft and soft, don't be embarrassed to say that it is good to have a daughter, the child hears silly, and the daughter also needs lively appreciation.

The judge's mother talked to me about how to use her daughter-in-law, and the daughter-in-law bought her a gold necklace one day and said, "You say I'm a judge, buy a gold necklace, where do I wear it?" I said, "Wear it at home, wear it at your neighbor's house, and don't give it to someone else." One day the daughter-in-law came back, she immediately put on the gold necklace, as soon as the child pushed the door, she said to the daughter-in-law, everyone said that the gold necklace you bought was beautiful, the daughter-in-law said excitedly, "Mom, you wait, I will give you another look", if you do not accept, if you feel that there is no need, you will never get it. So love children with children, three sentences, my mother passed on to me, love children with children to praise children. Three sentences can not be less.

The third is to scold love, scolding love makes children become very inferior, many of us parents think that beating is pain, scolding is love, but you don't know how much harm this is to the child, Montessori has such a sentence, some adults after adulthood nameless fear is from the childhood of the violent world, this world not only affects today, but also affects tomorrow. When we scold children, there is a reason, "You look at people, people can be good, why can't you be good." Many children are very inferior and feel that they can't. One mother even said that it didn't matter if you were killed, you were born to me anyway. Forcing the child to kill his own mother. The case that happened in 2000, this child named Xiao Xu, we have been following him, the juvenile detention center, I go every year, 12 years of imprisonment, he came out for six years, I helped him arrange the work, and has married and had children, I feel very painfully that when our love turns into hate, it is a powerful force.

As a mother, we should affirm our children more, do not compare our children with others, compare themselves with each other, compare themselves with those without their children's self-confidence, and compare themselves with those who do not have children's interest in doing things. So we want our children to be able to feel that I am ok, I am very good in the eyes of my parents, and my parents value me very much, which is extremely important.

How many children have been "killed" by verbal violence with the critical eyes of our parents today. The child is in kindergarten, the mother has a small red flower, the mother asks others how many ah? There are two, there are three. Why didn't you get three? The child went to elementary school, Mom, scored 98 points, and the mother asked if there was a 100 test? Yes, why didn't you score 100? The child easily scored 100 points. Mom, I got a 100 on the test. The mother calmly said that the exam questions must be very easy, the child can not be satisfied, this dissatisfaction makes the child feel that I have no hope.

Just now our chairman Wang Weiguo especially talked about children who commit suicide, you know that most of the children who commit suicide are children with very good grades, why are they? Because there is something better than him, because he does not get the first, he does not have the best, he himself can not live. Do we live to score points?

So stop comparing, our family says I'm a happy woman. I admit it, because I used to be a happy girl, our family has never been compared, my mother has six children, my mother never said look at how great your eldest sister is, Beijing Medical High School Student, look at how great your father is, Dr. Yang, you see Lu Qin on TV. My mother never said this, my mother said three hundred and sixty lines, the line out of the shape, everything has a breath.

When my mother was dying, she said to our little nanny that I would give every gift to my children in the future, and the little nanny said what gift did you give to my second aunt? My second aunt is my second sister, she will sort things out, she will take care of things, my mother said I send him a lock, she will look after the house, our house key to their home for safekeeping, once they can't find it, their home will find it, call you the next day, the key can be sent back, to continue to save, she has this hobby.

The little nanny asked what gift you gave to my third aunt? The third aunt is me, guess what my mother said? I gave her a horn and told her to get out. I'm seven years old and good at talking, giving a horn, thinking about it for more than 60 years, and if I can't talk, I won't be talking to you here. People do their favorite work, and the work they like get the satisfaction of their parents from childhood, it is always said that people must have confidence, where does the confidence come from? The energy that parents give to children, you are really good, I admire a leading comrade, not tall, once a reporter joked with him, Minister, your talent, we admire, your looks, I dare not compliment. The minister said humorously, "My mother doesn't think so, my mother can look up to me enough, countless people in the world are evaluating you, saying that you are OK, saying that you are not OK, saying that you are good, saying that you are not good, and my mother thinks that I am OK, this is enough."

The fourth kind of love is hegemonic love, and hegemonic love fills children with hatred. Loving you is not negotiable, because you were born to me, you have to listen to me, a bully under the control of his parents is very angry, he wrote a suicide note, which said, in the days under your knees, I am better off alive than dead, I never want to see you. He didn't go home for seven years after graduation, and he didn't come home until his grandfather died, and his mother was completely insane at that time, crying and crying, accusing his father of how he looked down on him from an early age and making him lose the ability to educate his children. He went back to his room only to find that for seven years, there had been no change in the room, and there was a whole bunch of letters on the table that hadn't been sent out, and there was only one sentence in the letter, sorry, I'm sick. He forgave his mother.

Bullying makes our children grow up in doubt, and they always feel that children can't. Therefore, when such children grow up, they are particularly unconfident and love to please others. So what to do? Trust, trust is the most important ability to grow in life. I can, Mom and Dad believe you can, you can. A leading comrade of the Central Propaganda Department was sent to Jiaxing to be the secretary, to leave home for two years, his most uneasy is that his son and his wife have a conflict, the adolescent child is very incompatible with his mother, the bureau chief called his son to his room before leaving, very solemnly told his son, I am going to work, I am most relieved is my wife, after I leave, please take more care of it, close the door every day, close the window, close the gas canister before going to sleep. The son opened his eyes in surprise and said nothing. When he returned, his wife said, after you left, my son was particularly concerned about me, and every day he closed the door, closed the window, and closed the gas canister before going to sleep. The father does not give the responsibility of taking care of the mother to the son, but gives the responsibility of taking care of the wife to a man, and he has a kind of strength, and the power of believing is the greatest force in the world, so if you want your child to be wonderful, you boldly believe in him, you must do it.

The fifth is begging, which makes children very undignified. There was a boy who killed his parents on his birthday, his parents were Chinese high-tech talents, and the means he used were also cruel, he took a belt and put a circle, his mother gave him a birthday, and just finished cooking and put it around his neck. His mother said, Son, I am your mother, and his hand is loose. Then mom said another sentence, "What you want, mom can give you", he tightened it, strangled his mother. He told the judge that I was so old, begging like a dog, give me some time, give me some food, give me some freedom. This kind of begging makes our children completely undignified, and it takes space to grow up, and there is room to spread their wings and fly, and we limit everything our children have today.

There is a successful person who recalls his childhood and said such a thing, one day there was a beggar in the house, a one-armed, wanted a lunch, the mother said it was okay, but you need to do some work now, move this brick to the backyard, the beggar is angry, obviously you see I am disabled, I have one arm, how do I work. Mom said one arm can't work, you see mine, Mom took an arm and took a brick and put it in the backyard, the beggar had no choice but to move, and after a while the bricks were moved to the backyard, sweating profusely. Mom took out a newly bought white towel to wipe his sweat, washed his hands, made him a hearty lunch, and took out a few dollars to tell him that it was a wage, and the beggar said that I had eaten very well, and I did not work. Mom said, you did it, you moved the bricks, this is the salary for your work, only to see the beggar with his eyes shining, holding the money and walking out of the door of their house.

The boy asked his mother, is it different for bricks to rest in the front yard and backyard? Mom said that it is different, the money collected is not dignified, the money earned from work has dignity, if he reaches out, how will he live in the future? The boy knew all this, and then there was a beggar coming, and his mother let him move the bricks to the backyard to the front yard, so the bricks of their family moved around, and slowly the children grew up, and he later from an entrepreneur when helping others, he was always very dignified to let others feel that I deserved it.

In 2008, I also saw a rescue truck in the Wenchuan earthquake, a foreign volunteer and a Chinese volunteer pulled a car of things to the disaster area, Chinese volunteers saw that the victims were so difficult, they told everyone not to worry, things were sent to everyone immediately. The foreign volunteers stood up and said that I now need six people to carry the supplies under the car, I also need six people to help me count the supplies, I also need six people to help me distribute the supplies, and soon the supplies were sent out and returned to the tent. The foreign volunteer and the Chinese volunteer said, I'm sorry, I interrupted you today, but I tell you a word, if you reach out and give, how will he live in the future. Therefore, to give children, to let children have a dignified next, can not be like beggars to beg, our children are the backbone of the Chinese nation, he must stand up in the future to be a man.

Breaking an egg from the outside is pressure, breaking from the inside is growth, breaking from the outside No matter what method there is, the egg has only one result to become food, and only by breaking from the inside can it become life. What does life need? There was a lock that was so strong that an axe came and said I could knock it open, and after knocking it for half a day, the lock didn't move. A small key came over to see me and opened it with a gentle twist. The axe is very incomprehensible, I am covered in iron, how can I not open it? You're so young, how did you open it? The key said a famous saying, because I understand its heart, understand the heart effortlessly, the lock is opened, do not understand the heart in vain. So companionship requires heart, and I wrote a book, "Children Who Understand the Heart Are Happier: 30 Hearts growing up happily."

The first heart is called happy, say a good word to life, change the mood to change the world, the same world, he said too bad, he said too good, the highest happiness index is too good people, let the child say too good to others, to difficulties and setbacks. If the mood is good, the child will be good, the mood will be good, the day will be good, the mood will be good, the heart will be good.

The second heart is careful, say to yourself, I can do it, change the attitude will change the fate, I can do is the mentality of the successful, I can not be the mentality of the loser, the central purpose of our education is to let all the children shout that I can do it.

The third heart is a warm heart, saying to people who are in difficulty that I help you, changing emotions changes lives. Love is a pocket, filling it is satisfaction, taking it out is a sense of achievement and happiness, you want to make your child happy and happy all his life, you must care for others.

The fourth heart is called the heart of responsibility, saying to the motherland and relatives that with me, changing responsibility changes the future. A child must have four major responsibilities, the first is to be responsible for himself, do his own things, do not add trouble to others; the second is to be responsible for the family, the family affairs learn to do, the children who can do housework are more promising; the third is to be responsible for the collective, collective things, enthusiastic to do, who can help whom, do not fear their own losses; the fourth is responsible for the motherland, the country is good, everyone is good, the country is rich and the people are strong.

The fifth heart is appreciative, compared to the person you are awesome to say, you are awesome. Changing the angle changes the relationship, get along with people and accept friends, always accuse others of being stupid, you have no friends, so we let the children give their thumbs to others. Don't keep saying I'm the best, you lied to him, he's not the best, there are more people in the world than he's awesome. And you're awesome, I can do it, and the child grows. I really hope that my children have a warm companionship, and I really hope that our children will become the pillars of the country and the most intimate people around you.