"A sunny and happy child is a child who can be autonomous, he has the ability to face all kinds of difficulties in life, and he can also find his place in society."
This is a view shared by the French pedagogical community.
So how to raise a child who is psychologically sunny and away from the dark?
Together with many senior french parenting experts, a series of highly operational suggestions have been put forward to parents.
01
Train your child's ability to be alone
Psychologists say that security is not a sense of dependence, and if a child needs a warm and stable emotional connection, he also needs to learn to be alone, such as leaving himself in a safe room.
For a child to feel secure, he doesn't necessarily need his parents to be present at all times, and even if he can't see you, he will know in his heart that you are there.
Experts say that for children's various needs, adults need to "respond" instead of "satisfying" everything.
Solitude is the core competency of emotional intelligence. The key to a person's success is to look at emotional intelligence. Goleman, the father of emotional intelligence at Harvard University and a doctor of psychology, and other researchers believe that emotional intelligence is composed of five characteristics: self-awareness, emotion control, self-motivation, cognition of other people's emotions, and handling of interrelationships. The first four characteristics, namely self-awareness, self-control (self)emotions, and self-motivation, belong to the ability to know oneself and solve one's own problems, and the last characteristic is the ability to know others and deal with relationships with others. It can be seen that knowing oneself and solving one's own problems is extremely important in emotional intelligence. Solitude is an extremely important way to know yourself. People often see communication as an ability, but ignore that solitude is also an ability, and in a certain sense is a more important ability than communication. The French philosopher Pascal said: "Almost all our suffering comes from our inability to be alone in our rooms." "As Tolstoy said: In communication, man is confronted with parts and crowds, while when alone, he is confronted with the whole and the source of all things." Mediocre people are boring, geniuses are lonely. Without high-quality solitude, there will be no excellent self.
Solitude is a necessary space for the soul to grow. If not being sociable is a weakness of character, then intolerance to loneliness is simply a defect of the soul. All soul life in the strict sense of the word unfolds when alone. Being alone is a beautiful moment and a good experience in life, although it is a little lonely, there is a kind of fulfillment in loneliness. When alone, we withdraw from other people and affairs and return to ourselves. Especially as a child, psychologists say, security is not a sense of dependence, and if a child needs a passionate and stable emotional connection, he also needs to learn to be alone, such as leaving himself in a safe room. To gain a sense of security, a child does not necessarily need to be present at all times, even if he can't see you, he will know in his heart that you are there.
Solitude is the most important sign of emotional maturity. The British psychoanalyst Winnicott believes that the ability to be alone is one of the most important signs of a person's emotional maturity. We often think of solitude as a symbol of solitude, but psychologists believe that solitude is divided into two types, involuntary solitude and active solitude. Involuntary solitude can cause harm to individuals and is often associated with strong feelings of loneliness and pain, while active solitude can reduce the occurrence of bad behavior and benefit mental health. Active solitude is a personality trait, and individuals who have good interpersonal interactions also like to reserve some behavioral tendencies for themselves to be alone for some time, which is an independent positive choice. How to train and cultivate children's ability to be alone.
The first is to give the child an independent space, do not affect her independent thinking. The child's noise has no object, no audience, and he will slowly quiet down. When you are alone, it is the time when a person's mind is most clear and his heart is most active. It is also this time that the child will calmly think about whether he is doing this well or not, and what are the consequences; it is also this time that he is free, he can become himself completely, that will be his best moment; it is also this time that she will think about how to deal with the problem, how to deal with the aftermath, what she needs, and will also find a step for her son. Jobs once said in a speech at Stanford University: "If you sit down and observe, you will find your inner uneasiness, if you try to calm down, I am afraid it will get worse, but after a while it will be quiet, and then you can hear smaller things - when your intuition begins to sprout, you will know a lot of things in the moment." 」 Therefore, we must give the child the space to be independent, cultivate her ability to be alone, and let the "ability to be alone" sprout and thrive.
The second is to give the child a time to be alone, and not to rush to soothe the rebellious emotions. When alone, the child's heart is quiet, the world becomes quiet, she can listen to her own inner voice, accompany herself, talk to herself, and talk to herself, and talking to herself is indeed an ability, and it is a rare ability. Recognizing the truest self and exploring her own joys and sorrows, at this time, she should be the most sober and understanding. Don't rush to appease the child's wounded heart, give the child more time, let the child listen to his own inner voice, let the "soul life" normalize, and let the soul continue to grow.
The third is to give children their own lives, do not force children to do things according to the thinking of their parents. Educating children to be independent is better than being the first. The child is an independent person, he should have more of his own space, time. Sooner or later, the child will fly, sooner or later he will build his own life, leaving us with the world of husband and wife. When you feel this way, the problem of education suddenly has never been freer. In fact, when we really think and do this, the child will not fall because of our letting go, but will fly higher, and be mentally stronger and richer. The child is an autonomous person, must give the child independent thinking, let her learn to consciously hold the inner dryness, so that he understands that he is struggling for himself, responsible for himself, not for his parents, which is her driving force to move forward. Let your child's soul live alone and sprout and thrive. At the same time, the warmth we feel will also be transmitted to him, and the harmony of the family makes him more sunny psychologically, which is also a driving force. On the contrary, if the thinking of the parents of the child is to stifle the cultivation of the child's creativity and the future of the child, your "ceiling" is the height of the child's future.
02
Meet your child to be measured
It is necessary to artificially set some boundaries, and the requirements of the child cannot be met unconditionally.
"Another prerequisite for being able to be in a good mood is that children can withstand the inevitable setbacks and disappointments in life."
Dr. Thomas, a child psychiatrist, tells us:
"Only when the child understands that the attainment of something does not depend on his desires, but on his abilities, can he attain the full happiness of his heart."
The sooner the child understands this, the less pain he will have.
Be sure not to always fulfill your child's wishes in the first place. The right thing to do is to procrastinate a bit.
For example, if your child is hungry, you can make him wait for a few minutes.
Don't give in to all your child's demands.
Rejecting a child's requests will help him to gain mental peace.
Receiving this "unsatisfactory reality" training in the family will make the child have enough psychological endurance to face setbacks in future life.
Sal said to some of the children, all ages 4, "There are 2 pieces of sugar on each table, if you can hold out for 20 minutes and wait for me to come back from my shopping, these two pieces of sugar belong to you." But if you can't wait that long, you'll only get a piece of sugar, and you can get one now! "It's hard for 4-year-olds to decide – they want 2 pieces of sugar, but they don't want to suffer for 20 minutes, and if they want to eat it in their mouths immediately, they can only eat one piece."
The results of the experiment showed as follows: About 2/3 of the children chose to wait 20 min to get 2 pieces of sugar. Of course, it is difficult for them to control their desires, and many children have to close their eyes and be stupid, etc., in order to prevent being tempted by sugar, or hold their heads with their arms, do not look at sugar, or sing and dance. Others simply lie down and go to sleep – in order to survive 20 minutes! 1/3 of children choose to eat a piece of sugar right now. As soon as the experimenter left, within 1 minute they had the piece of sugar in their mouths.
After about 12 years of tracking, most children who can survive for 20 minutes (16 years old) have strong self-control ability, self-determination, full of confidence, strong ability to deal with problems and troubles, strong, and brave to accept challenges; while children who choose to eat 1 piece of sugar (16 years old) are hesitant, multi-minded, jealous, anxious, unprovoked, casual, unable to withstand setbacks, and their self-esteem is vulnerable. In the following decades of follow-up observation, it was also proved that children who had the patience to wait for two pieces of candy were more likely to succeed in their careers.
03
Treat the child cold when he is angry
When a child gets angry, the first way to do this is to divert his attention, which is to find a way to make him go to his room and get angry.
Without the audience, he himself will slowly quiet down.
Appropriate punishment and follow through.
In addition, when saying "no", don't dryly say no, explain to your child why it doesn't work.
Even if the child does not understand, he can understand your patience and respect for him;
Parents should agree with each other, not one says yes, one says no;
Boundaries are about letting children know exactly what can and can't be done. The boundary is to let the child know that when the mood is not good, he must first manage his emotions, have something to say well, and do not conflict with others. The boundary is to let the child know from an early age that the elderly and the young are orderly, and the things that are not their own are close and cannot be arbitrarily appropriated. The boundary is to let the child know that he or she bears his own responsibilities and cannot be pushed on others.
Boundaries are stricter than rules, and once the boundaries are established, they are the bottom line of behavior and cannot be backed down. A child who has a sense of boundaries from an early age will gradually develop good social attributes in the process of his growth, both self-disciplined and moderately flexible, and there are boundaries to be free. Children with boundaries have a life like a brake device, and a child without a boundary will have a life like losing the brake device, and there is a danger of getting out of control at any time. The purpose of our boundaries for children is to give them a sense of strength that transcends instinct when they can guard them.
Banning one thing gives him the freedom to do another.
04
Face up to his flaws
If the child is different from other children, such as the child is too fat, the ear shape is problematic, or the personality and behavior are very extreme, parents must not deny these facts.
Instead, actively discuss with him, find a solution, or accept reality.
In this regard, going to a specialist is the best approach, because children generally take the words of experts (such as doctors) seriously.
05
Criticism, right things, not people
Criticize children to be on the matter.
For example, a child breaks his mother's jewelry:
It's right to say, "Look, if you go and play something you don't have the right to play, something so bad happens." ”
It's wrong to say, "You're so bad, how can you break my jewelry?" You don't want your mother to wear it! ”
The first sentence clearly tells the child that his mistake is that he "moved something that should not be moved" and did not deny the child's character.
The second sentence characterized the child's sex, which made him very depressed and hit his self-confidence in being a good child.
06
Let go and let him do it
Let the child do what he can early, and he will be more proactive in the future.
Don't do things for the child too much, speak for the child, make decisions for the child, before the trick is substituted, you can think about it, this thing, maybe the child can do it himself.
Don't say, "You can't, you can't do it!" ”
Sometimes adults forbid children to do something just because "he didn't do it."
If things aren't dangerous, let your child try it.
07
Let the child open up
Communicating with people is the ability, and speaking out what you think is even more an ability.
A 14-year-old boy needs the correct guidance of his father, actively and timely to say what is in his heart, will avoid doing some shady things, and if he does not control and avoid in time, he will continue more terriblely.
Happiness is an ability that allows him to see the good, positive side of life.
You can also actively face bad things.
Say more positive things: "We're so happy together, aren't we?" We were so lucky! "Don't be sad, next time we will do better."
Before the child is 8 years old, if there is no sunny and happy mother, then the child will begin to be infected with the melancholy temperament of the mother around the age of 12.
Therefore, at this time, we must not think that children are just children, fickle, and do not think that it will be good when they grow up, in fact, the darkness has seriously appeared in this family, if there is no stop and guidance, growing up will only be more serious and terrible.
08
Emphasize what you get and know how to love
Family friendship, sensual enjoyment, reinforce these "gains", let him know that he is enjoying when he is enjoying.
Reinforce his understanding: I have a lot, and what I have is precious.
He must be made aware that these relatives are good to him, not should be, not necessary, no one in this world owes anyone anything, the love given to him is the responsibility of the adults, and he must know how to be grateful.
They will also become parents in the future.
There is no such thing as sitting around in this world, and he must understand that what his parents give him is not a necessity, not a habit, but a love.
09
You have to know how to respect others
No matter what the identity of the parents is, no matter what the identity of the people around them, children must know how to respect others, and there is no identity distinction.
Maybe it's Dad's friend, maybe it's Mom's co-worker, maybe Daddy's driver, maybe it's the guard at the school gate, etc., these people who are not related to him by blood, he must be grateful for his giving.
What do parents think?
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