When colleague Xiao Zhong came to work today, he looked very bad and had been in a state of low air pressure. So at lunchtime, I asked why, and I realized that it was because of his children.
His child is now in the fifth grade, and he has always been well-behaved and cute before, but recently he does not know what is wrong, no matter what Xiao Zhong and his wife and the child say, the child is not willing to listen.
This morning is like this, Xiao Zhong's wife let the child bring a thermos cup, which has warm water in it, because the weather is not very hot now, so I don't want the child to drink cold. But the child was unwilling to bring it, so the two sides broke out into a very fierce conflict, and even the child said "why should I listen to you", which made Xiao Zhong's wife very sad.
So in anger, Xiao Zhong slapped the child, the family completely turned upside down, the child did not want to go to school, and even ran away from home, and later until the old man in the family came back from buying vegetables, this farce was over.
After listening to Xiao Zhong's story, I couldn't help but fall into meditation, because this situation is really too common now, but unfortunately, many parents do not know why their children do not obey, so they fall into a vicious circle.
Why don't children want to obey?
In the face of the problem of children's disobedience, the vast majority of parents attribute the reason to the child, believing that the child does not understand his own good intentions, does not understand that he is for their own good, but has never found a reason in themselves.
A Parent does not speak to the child
When educating children, her friend Xiaoyan often says various promises to motivate children, but when the children meet the requirements, Xiaoyan will regret it and is unwilling to honor it.
Take the midterm exam some time ago, Xiaoyan promised her child that as long as she got into the top ten of the class, she would buy the Lego that her child had liked for a long time. After the results came out, Xiaoyan regretted her child's ninth place result, saying that only if she reached the top ten at the end of the semester, she would buy Lego for her child.
After hearing this reply, the child acted sullen, and when he went to class, he no longer listened to the lecture as carefully as before, and the daily homework was not completed according to the quality and quantity, so the child's teacher found Xiaoyan to inquire about the situation.
Later, after learning the reason, the teacher severely criticized Xiaoyan, saying that the things promised to the child must be done, otherwise how can the child listen to his own words?
Therefore, when many parents complain that their children are disobedient, it is better to reflect on themselves and see if they have promised their children anything, but they have not fulfilled it, resulting in their own status in the child's heart, let alone making the child obedient.
b Parents' bottom line boundaries are not clear
Then some parents and Xiaoyan are the opposite, and their requirements for their children can be said to be met and agreed to without reason, even if some seemingly unreasonable requirements.
Education expert Nixon once said in his book: the boundary line in education can warn children of inappropriate behavior and eliminate children's ineffective temptations.
The reason why such parents teach children to disobey is out of temptation for their children, because children hope to explore the ultimate bottom line of parents through their own disobedience.
For example, if the child wants to go out to play without finishing his homework, the parent agrees to the child, but the next time, the parent does not promise the child, which is easy to bring potential problems.
Because parents are not clear about the boundaries of their children's outings, they are completely in accordance with their own preferences, and after a long time, children will feel that the bottom line and boundaries of parents can be tested. Therefore, they will have doubts about the words of their parents, so they will show disobedience.
c There is a problem with the way parents communicate
The role of parents, for families with children, the vast majority of people are doing it for the first time, so when communicating with children, it is inevitable that they will not grasp the degree.
In particular, some parents treat their children as their own private property, so they feel that no matter how they educate their children, they are right, because they are also for the good of their children.
But children are not parents, and they may not be able to understand what parents mean. And some parents may have a tough attitude when speaking, using a commanding tone, which often stimulates the child's rebellious psychology, making them unwilling to listen to the parents.
My children are like this, children are more well-behaved and obedient on weekdays, and everything is discussed. But a few days ago, because the child was late, there was not much time to allow the child to choose the clothes to wear today, so I asked the child to wear a red sweater in a commanding tone.
After listening to it, the child's expression became unnatural, but he didn't say anything, but from that moment until he went out, he didn't say a word to me again.
Later, when he got to the car, the child took the initiative to open his mouth, saying that the tone of the tone I had just spoken to him was too commanding, which made him feel very uncomfortable, so I hoped that next time I would not talk to him like this. At this time, I realized that what had just happened was wrong, hurriedly apologized to the child, and said that I would try not to do it next time.
The vast majority of parents in their daily lives, there will definitely be the same problems as me, because the tone of their own speech has a commanding tone, so that children feel uncomfortable, so it is easy for children to have a sense of rebellion and unwilling to listen to themselves.
Parents learn to take advantage of the "Aronson effect", and children are naturally able to obey
Then in the face of children's disobedience, parents can actually use the Aronson effect to solve, which can not only make children naturally listen to their own words, but also avoid the emergence of many contradictions.
The so-called Aronson effect actually means that people will become better and more positive with more and more praise, but if this praise gradually decreases, people's enthusiasm may decrease, or even become very negative.
Therefore, parents may wish to take advantage of the Aronson effect to seize this more praise, the more positive the psychology, so that children gradually begin to listen to their own words.
Master how to speak to your child
As I mentioned earlier, many parents have problems with their children, or feel that their children do not listen to their own words, which actually has something to do with their own way of speaking.
However, some parents also feel very aggrieved, they obviously did not say anything serious to their children, but why do they still make their children feel uncomfortable? Will the child feel that he has been blamed and criticized?
This is because many parents will not pay attention to whether they are first suppressed and then raised when they speak, or whether they are first raised and then suppressed, and there is a clear difference between the two.
Take the child usually works very hard, but the exam is not good to take as an example, if the parents choose to suppress the statement first and then raise, so much is said: "Your test results are very unsatisfactory, but you usually work very hard, presumably this time the play is wrong, as long as you find out where the points are lost, you will definitely have an ideal score next time!" ”
This kind of expression of first suppressing and then rising, children after listening, often feel that although they have not done well in the test, parents understand themselves, so next time continue to work hard, which is also very helpful for the encouragement of children's confidence!
But if you choose the expression of first raising and then suppressing, then the words that come out may be like this: "You see that you usually work so hard, all kinds of hard reading, and the result is that you have scored this point, what use can you have?" ”
Then this kind of speech that is raised first and then suppressed makes people feel obviously uncomfortable, and it will make people feel that they are mocking themselves and cannot see their own efforts at all. After hearing such words, children often feel very lost, and even feel that parents have lost confidence in themselves, so they will say so.
Therefore, when communicating with their children, parents can use the expression of first suppressing and then raising, which not only allows children to recognize their own problems, but also encourages children and enhances children's self-confidence.
Moderate rewards combined with the Desi effect
Then the Aronson effect is very focused on continuous rewards, but if parents forget a reward, it may have the opposite effect, so that the child's enthusiasm returns to the original point.
And if parents always make their children obedient through rewards, it is inevitable that the children will have a sense of dependence, rather than obeying for other reasons.
Therefore, parents may wish to combine the Aronson effect with the Desi effect, because the Desi effect is to advocate not to reward the child too much at one time, it is best to carry out moderate rewards, do not let the child have a sense of dependence, and feel the regularity.
Therefore, parents can diversify the rewards, can use verbal rewards instead of material rewards, and can also set the things of each reward differently, so that not only can the children feel surprised, but also will not let the children obey and work hard because of the rewards.
Give your child full respect
How to respect children is actually a topic that parents need to learn forever. Education expert Sun Yunxiao once mentioned: "The premise of educating children is to understand children, and the premise of understanding children is to respect children." ”
Because if even parents do not respect their children and cannot give the right to choose to their children, how can they talk about their understanding of children?
You should know that many children are unwilling to obey, not deliberately opposing their parents, but having their own ideas and wanting to make decisions for themselves.
Therefore, in this case, parents may wish to start from small things and give the choice of many things to the child, such as the clothes that the child wears every day, and the parents can completely leave the child to decide for himself.
If parents feel that their children may not be able to make a good choice, then they may wish to narrow the scope first, and then let the children choose in this range. This can not only ensure the child's right to choose, but also reflect the respect of parents for their children, and at the same time control the general direction and avoid problems.
Children's disobedience is not a big deal, because there is always a reason, if parents can give their children more respect, give children more choices, then the problem of disobedience can be quickly solved.
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