Among the juvenile counseling cases that Guizhou family has a heart to receive, the 14-year-old child's rebellious psychology is the most prominent.
Some children no longer accept the criticism of their parents with an open mind, and begin to refute and resist, the more parents and teachers do not let them do, the more energetic they are, and they must "do it against the parents".
This is what we often call the "14-year-old phenomenon".
The "14-year-old" phenomenon
Some time ago, the media reported a shocking news:
Xiao Xiao, a 14-year-old teenager, assassinated his father in an Internet café. The report wrote that Xiao Xiao's homework book had a question, "What do you do when your parents blame you?" ”
He replied: tolerance, communication, exchange. It can be believed that he is a person with good intentions and hopes that he can communicate with his parents.
But, as described in the news, he didn't say a word when Dad slapped him out of the Internet café.
Next, he pulled out his spring knife from his father...
In this tragic murder of the father, it is not difficult to notice that the teenager is exactly at the age of 14.
Coincidentally, in the recent modern education lecture hall, the keynote speaker ran Naiyan, vice president of the Beijing Association for Caring for Teenagers, mentioned:
When the child reaches the age of about 14 years old, many parents will find that the original obedient and sensible children become more and more rebellious, and the mind is sensitive and fragile, suspicious and unwilling to talk to the parents, and even poor academic performance, bad behavior habits...
"14 years old" is a dangerous period
A study conducted by British scientists has confirmed that the age at which adolescents are most likely to fight, rebel and learn bad is 14 years old.
British researchers surveyed male participants aged 9 to 35 years old, and the subjects were asked to play computer games.
By recording how satisfied or disappointed participants were with the outcome of the game, the scientists analyzed each of them' emotional responses.
It turned out that adolescents were more enthusiastic about risky behaviors that could make them feel stimulated, with 14-year-olds being the most prominent.
Neuroscientists at University College London in the United Kingdom analyze that:
"Unlike children, adolescents are able to weigh the pros and cons of their own behavior, but they are more concerned about whether these behaviors bring them pleasure and stimulation than whether they are safe or not."
There are also some homeroom teachers in the junior high school grade who report that the age of about 14 years old belongs to a "dangerous period" in growth, and children at this age are prone to psychological problems.
Ms. Wang is a homeroom teacher with more than 10 years of experience in junior high school teaching, and she has written a paper on the education of students around the age of 14.
Teacher Wang mentioned that students around the age of 14 usually have the following six psychological characteristics:
First, the sense of self has "grown up", and the awareness of expressing oneself is enhanced;
Second, immature, speaking of perverse reasoning;
Third, overconfidence forms a conceited psychology;
Fourth, weak will, poor adaptability, psychological voids under pressure appear;
Fifth, there are abnormal emotions such as depression, decadence, numbness, and emotional apathy;
Sixth, there are phenomena such as irritability, retaliation, irritability, and irritation seeking.
Teacher Wang gave an example:
A boy surnamed Zhang, with excellent academic performance, often hurts people and beats people often in getting along with his classmates.
He repeatedly learned the martial arts action in the film to hurt others.
When asked what he thought when he did these things, the boy's answer was light: "There is no contradiction with his classmates, he just wants to vent." ”
"14 years old" is the best shaping period
Although children around the age of 14 have problems of one kind or another, education expert Ran Naiyan stressed in an interview with reporters: "14 years old is a dangerous rebellious period, but also the best shaping period." ”
Writer Liu Qing said: Although the road of life is long, the key is often only a few steps, especially when people are young.
Ran Naiyan believes that for children, the age of about 14 years old is such a critical period, and parents should grasp this critical period of their children.
To illustrate the criticality of adolescence in a child's development, he cites several stories of successful celebrities:
Bridge expert Mao Yisheng, at the age of 14, saw the bridge collapse and crushed people to death, determined to build the strongest bridge;
The 14-year-old Einstein and two companions talked about world news, scientific achievements, and all three of them later became scientists.
Ran Naiyan emphasized:
"Children around the age of 14 are 'semi-mature', both independent and mature, but also limited to experience, age independence, which also caused the most difficult period of family education."
At this stage, parents must make sufficient efforts to properly solve the problem and let the child develop smoothly. ”
04 How to do it for parents
So, as parents, what guidance and support can we give our children?
For the family education of children at this age, the most difficult problem for parents to deal with is "rebellion" and "not listening to advice", and many parents have a lot of psychological pressure because of their children's rebellion.
They mainly have the following four manifestations:
(1) Many parents will think that this rebellious child is used to torture themselves in this life, which is a typical victim mentality.
(2) In the face of a rebellious child, he feels powerless and completely loses the ability to control the child;
(3) The child has exhausted the parents, fallen into despair, and has lost confidence and enthusiasm for life;
(4) Many parents feel inferior and blame themselves for their incompetence and failure in educating their children.
Since these four mentalities are not advisable, what should parents pay attention to when dealing with the rebellious problem of their children's play?
1. Accept and love children unconditionally
Many times the child is not deliberately working against the parents, but due to the family education or physiological reasons in the growth period and the influence of the environment;
Therefore, after parents understand these causes, the first thing to do is to accept and understand the child, and stop complaining about the child;
Also know that the rebellious period is only a short period in a person's growth process, and it will soon pass;
Therefore, parents can accept and love their children unconditionally, help children to pass this period as soon as possible, and your children will love you more and respect you more in the future.
2. Parents should recognize themselves and change themselves
At this point, I hope that parents can pay attention to it, because many parents do not understand themselves in their own growth process;
Even if you are not mature, you can't solve problems rationally and objectively when you encounter things;
Even some parents themselves are extremely emotional, without waiting for the child to lose their temper, they will be angry first, then the irrational emotional state of the parents, in the process of educating the child, many times is the fuse that makes the child rebel, because the premise of educating the child is to have a peaceful mentality.
So I hope that parents can change themselves and control their emotional state, so that your education is effective.
3. Companionship is the best love
Children in this period also have a psychological characteristic, that is, they are often in a chaotic and contradictory psychological state;
Although they feel that they have grown up and want to deal with problems and solve problems like an adult, but because they lack relevant experience;
So many times they are failures, then this failure combined with typical chaotic ambivalence, let the child's psychological state at this time is very painful;
If parents can accompany their children with unconditional acceptance and love at this moment, the children will feel the warmth of the family, and this warmth will reduce the child's rebellion a lot, so parents can try it.
4. Parents should leave a little time of their own
Parents care for their children, but they cannot become their children's nannies, pick up and drop off at school, children read books, accompany themselves, and everything revolves around the children, so that children become dependent.
Parents should take the initiative to find a little time and space to put their children aside for the time being.
This is not to ignore the child, but to create a better psychological environment for the child.
Being a good parent is never easy, and we need more responsibility, encouragement, communication, and help and understanding from family, friends, and colleagues.
It is more important to strengthen the relationship with the child. The following 10 tips are suitable for families with teenagers at home.
1. Be sure to send SMS and WeChat as much as possible to care about them
The content is short and focused on them and their lives. They may not react much at first, but as long as you keep doing it, they will take it seriously, although the mouth may not say it.
2. Join social networks (WeChat, Weibo, QQ, etc.) and "add children as friends"
If they don't add you to your buddy right away, don't care, because it usually takes some time, and try not to criticize.
3. Learn about the games they love
Most of the online games of this year can be played against people from all over the world. If your child likes to play online games, then you can play with him and even play with other fathers and sons.
4. Write a short book called "Life Lessons for a Dear Son (or Daughter)"
Write some of the most important lessons you've learned from life every week. Don't forget to write down how you learned these lessons, it will make them seem interesting and can help them get to know you better.
After every chapter, show it to them. Be sure to personalize the content and be appropriate for your child's reading age. Your children need to learn from your wisdom, and it's a great way to share it with them.
5. Support their activities
If your adolescent child is about to face some big event (such as a school competition), give him financial support so that he can celebrate in a very special way.
Be sure to attach a letter explaining how proud you are of him and how important it is to behave appropriately in such a big event.
6. Try to prepare meals for your child as carefully as possible
A mother made breakfast for her daughter from the second year of junior high school and insisted all the way until her junior year of high school.
Fritters, porridge, buns, at first, her goal was to make her daughter "full."
Later, how to let her daughter "eat well" became her "subject".
Over the past few years, her daughter's personality has become more and more like her: optimistic, cheerful, humorous, tall to more than one meter and seven, and breakfast is indispensable.
7. Have a pleasant time to communicate every week
From the world situation, the era of intelligence, work confusion, learning bottlenecks, small to good friends, trivial daily life, free an hour of time every week, to a heart-to-heart conversation, I believe that two people can benefit a lot.
8. Plan your next family trip together
Think about what to do when you're together, and also involve your adolescent children in the program. It feels better to do these things together.
9. Establish a sense of ceremony
The form is not important, what is important is to establish a sense of ceremony that conveys the message you want to express.
10. Be sure to make your birthday a little special
This applies to kids of all ages, although sometimes teens act as if "birthdays aren't a big deal." But in fact, everyone, even teenagers, likes to have someone help him celebrate his birthday. It's only once a year, and that day never comes back, so celebrate.
Raising children does not mean that parents have to give up personal needs and communication between husband and wife.
There is more exchange and communication between husband and wife, and the harmony of the relationship between husband and wife is crucial to the stability of the family.
Many families, it is precisely because the husband and wife are not in harmony, quarrel all day, and even divorce, so that the children are greatly hurt, the image status of parents in the minds of the children is greatly reduced, which should be avoided.
In addition, parents need this free time to do something they like, away from the tedious chores and work, adjust their mood, and relax the nervous nerves.
Have a little sense of humor and don't regret your mistakes.
Believe in yourself as a good parent.
Good at work, good at rest, in order to be better at raising children.