Playing between children, there will inevitably be friction, if your child is injured, how will you deal with it?
Previously, there was a 5-year-old child who was scratched by the other party's fingernails when he was competing with his friends for toys in kindergarten, and there was a noticeable red mark on his cheek. The child's mother was angry and anxious after seeing it, and quickly pulled the child to ask how it hurt, and the child was too frightened to speak.
The teacher squatted down and patiently told the child, don't be afraid, your mother is just anxious, not angry with you, you tell your mother what happened.
The child then opened his mouth and told the story again. At the end of the day, he thought about it for a few seconds and said, "Mom, he didn't mean it, we were good friends and didn't fight." ”
At that time, the other child had already apologized under the guidance of the teacher, and later the parents led the child to apologize again, and the original tense atmosphere was dissolved.
Imagine if we were this mother, maybe in a hurry, we would lead the child to find each other's theory, but the result must not be what we wanted, not only embarrassing the child, but also destroying the friendship between the children.
Stopping to listen to our children's ideas is the most basic respect we can give our children, and this is precisely what many parents ignore.
Children also need a sense of boundaries
Due to the influence of traditional culture, East Asian countries tend to place little emphasis on the individual. Especially in the family, emphasizing personal boundaries is easy to be labeled as "selfish" and "unfilial". Parents control the lives of their children, and children interfere with their parents' choices, and as a result, everyone loses their lives.
The following words are not very familiar:
"I'm your mother, can I hurt you?"
"Isn't it all for your own good, and others will take care of you?"
"You were born to me, where have you not seen?"
……
Many parents, the sense of boundary between them and their children is blurred, or almost non-existent, and anything can interfere, just because they are the role of "parent".
But even children of a few years old should have their own boundaries. Children without a sense of boundaries will be unable to cope with interpersonal communication and will struggle with pain.
For example, the mother in the above article, if she does not respect the child's ideas, directly go to someone to theorize, and finally meet her own needs, venting her anxiety and anger. What about children?
Children will think that such relationships cannot be handled by myself, and can only be handled by my mother; I make my mother angry, I have made mistakes.
The normal sense of boundaries is that the child handles his own affairs and you do not disturb them; when he asks you for help, you reach out. Even the youngest children have their own "territory", respecting each other's boundaries, and also protecting the child's personality growth.
How the sense of boundaries in the family is divided
In the variety show "The Great Sister", many mothers will ask Yi Nengjing: Why do my children and you have so many common topics, but they have nothing to say to me.
Yi Nengjing felt that it was because she subconsciously paid attention to the "sense of boundaries". Learning to respect and listen to the child's ideas, but not to interfere too much in the child's decision is the right way for parents and children to get along.
Just like the weather becomes cold, parents feel that the child is cold, so they add clothes to the child, but the child is cold because of the heat to sweat, because the parents meet their own needs, not the child; if the child says, mother I am cold, then adding clothes is the child's needs.
Most Chinese-style parents always control their children under the guise of "good for you", but they do not know that "for your own good" also needs to have boundaries, and giving children real independence is the real "good for you".
So how do parents and children develop a sense of boundaries in the family?
1. Cultivate children's awareness of property rights
When the child has the characteristics of mirror contrast, declaration of sovereignty, and emotional expression, it indicates that self-awareness begins to sprout. Parents should guide their children in a timely manner, assist them in establishing a sense of property rights, and cultivate their children's initial sense of boundaries. In the home, you can properly distinguish which things are for the child and which things are for the parents, and if you want to use the things of the parents, you should ask for permission in advance. Similarly, if mom and dad want to use their child's stuff, they should also ask for consent.
2. Cultivate the concept of children independently bearing the consequences of things
First of all, children should learn to distinguish what is their own affairs and the responsibilities they need to bear, and secondly, they need to understand that the adverse effects caused by their own behavior should be borne by themselves, and parents cannot help their children bear the consequences, which can make them strengthen their sense of boundaries.
Parents should learn to use shared expressions to tell their children what the impact will be, and use suggestive expressions to give their children a chance to make up for their mistakes.
3. Cultivate children's privacy concepts
Parents should establish the concept of privacy for their children, first of all, to improve the child's gender awareness, mothers must pay attention to boundaries in front of their sons, do not be too close to their sons, and the same fathers should also pay attention to the corresponding influence in front of their daughters. As the saying goes, children avoid mothers and daughters and fathers.
Therefore, the sense of boundaries in the family should be shared by both parents and children.
Families with boundaries also have love
You may wonder: To have a sense of boundaries, does it mean that I am not convenient for my children to intervene? So what he didn't do right, can I still take care of it?
In fact, there is no contradiction between establishing a sense of boundaries and expressing love and disciplining your children.
For example, you have to go out in the morning, but the child wears shoes very slowly, you are anxious to wear them for him, but you think of cultivating the child's self-care ability, and you are struggling with whether to intervene.
In this case, we can express our needs in a proper way. We have only one need at this moment: I hope that the child will wear it quickly so that he will not be late.
You can crouch down and gently say to the child, "Well, you see we're going to be late when we go out again, can your mother help you?" ”
After that, discuss with the child, you can let the child practice wearing shoes in free time, or prepare ten minutes in advance in the morning to set aside enough time for wearing shoes.
Perhaps, the child does not want to accept your help, and may even lose his temper and cry, but you still have to exercise restraint and express your needs again. Most of the time, children can understand and accept their parents' advice. You also tell the child with actions: I did not solve the problem in a tantrum way, and I respect your ideas.
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