I don't understand why there are always people who seek excitement now, why do they have to save an avoidant type? Obviously, there are so many good people in the world, why do you have to cling to a strange person?
I chose to give up because I didn't want to be the one who saved the other person, and I wanted to be myself at any time and not be led by the nose by a stubborn, egotistical person.
Really, I advise you not to torture yourself, if he loves you, he will turn back to you on his own, and if he doesn't love you, the nine cows will not be able to pull back.
Why am I so sure?
Next, I will talk about the conflicts that will occur when you are together from "judging attachment types", and I believe that after you read them, you will have a new understanding of avoidant types.
I have written a lot about the theoretical knowledge of attachment types before, and today I will give you some small verification methods:
He likes to run after he is finished, and can get along well with you in a short period of time, but as long as it involves a deeper relationship, he will put on a look that hates being bound and desperately needs freedom;
The mood with him is like riding a roller coaster, one will feel that he loves you very much, the other will feel that he does not need you at all, always let you guess and guess, in the process, you yourself have become more anxious;
When he encounters problems, he likes to avoid, and even breaks up, he can't understand it, simply cold and violent play disappears, especially ruthless, like a scumbag, making you both confused and unwilling;
His inner strength is weak, so he needs a real strong person, a strong person who is more sunny, positive, and intelligent than him, to redeem him, because such a person can provide him with a comfortable space, and the last thing he can bear is the pressure from others;
He seems independent and makes you feel like he doesn't matter, and his girlfriend seems like a problem for him, so you will always try to find a way to please him, but in fact he is very eager for someone to bring him unconditional love and attention;
He will always have reservations, even if you, as his intimate other half, can't pat your chest and say that you know him very well, because he has a strong sense of defense against you, your proximity seems to violate his boundaries, and he is ready to leave the relationship at any time.
But I want to correct one point, many people will invisibly sit in the number, now almost everyone on the Internet is avoidant, in fact, avoidant attachment, and "like to deal with problems with an avoidant attitude", which are two different things.
Let me give you a small example, for example, after you break up, the other party ignores you, whether you are apologizing or asking for peace, he is not in the oil and salt, you think that he is an avoidant partner, such an idea is too inaccurate.
Both people have broken up to the point of breaking up, doesn't he hide from you and respond to you enthusiastically? So what's the difference between that and not breaking up?
So don't confuse it, if you really can't be sure, you can do some attachment type test questions.
Now many people treat avoidant people as patients with "mental illness", but in fact, avoidant attachment is not a disease, there is no need to see a doctor, he is just in love in a state that makes people feel sick. (Except for situations where the avoidance state seriously affects life and social life)
Because of the cause of avoidant attachment, most of them are related to the original family, starting from a young age, as long as he makes requests and desires to his parents, in exchange for only indifference and neglect, after a long time, he will have an attitude of intimacy, and naturally form an attitude of rejection.
So once the partner wants to be close to him and make a request of him, he will secretly repeat this way, and for them, he will only hide his needs so that he will not be hurt.
That is to say, he is not sick at all, but he is really not active enough in love, if you have to go to psychotherapy, it should be voluntary by himself, he is troubled by this, not because he did not meet your expectations, you have to put on the "sick" hat for him.
And avoidant attachment is not all black material to some extent, he can at least save himself in the relationship, can put his own needs in front, compared to that, he feels that dog lickers are really sick.
Because I understand everyone's mood, as long as the people who ask for help online are forced to avoid it.
You have made a lot of efforts, but he is a white-eyed wolf, a stone that does not cover up the heat, if you can't stop the loss in time, and you can't change yourself, it is difficult for yourself.
Because the avoidant type of deep heart is inferior and full of fear, he is not not loving you, but dare not love you, he is afraid that after he devotes himself to it, he will only be disappointed.
So he is like a "sniper", always hiding in the shadows to observe you, once he finds that you have some bad signs, even if you are unintentional, it will arouse his suspicions, he will consciously walk away, and tell himself: "I know that no one can accept me." ”
Even if you have been together for many years, this is difficult to change, because this is the inner order that he has formed over the decades, so you have to fight against not the avoidant type, but the human nature that he has formed over the years.
You say, isn't that?
Don't think that after reading a few avoidant articles on the Internet, you can do it yourself, in fact, not only can you not help the other party, but you will violate the boundaries of the avoidant type, let him bury his head in the sand and never stick out again.
Simply put, you are just an ordinary person, you also have your own needs and places where you want your partner to meet, in this case, where do you get the energy to heal another person?
I can give you a picture of the composite:
You give a lot, care about him every day, and hope that he can be touched by your sincerity, but he is particularly ruthless, and you ask him emotionally: "Why can you be so cruel?" ”
Ostracism: I haven't asked you to do anything for me, you're willing.
You send him small essays every day, try to communicate with him, want him to have the courage to solve problems, you are really too painful.
Avoid the inner OS: You are also too selfish, why do you ask others to be responsible for your emotions?
So, do you want to get back together with him, do you follow your own ideas, or do you love him the way he wants?
Isn't there a balance?
Yes, unless you can always think of catching him in the relationship, but appropriately learn to step back, take the initiative to be a safe and stable partner, let the other party be attracted to your energy, he will be willing to come closer to you.
Just like I have a friend, and her avoidant husband is particularly affectionate, she said that she never felt pain and will, because she appreciates the characteristics of avoidance, his husband is not only emotionally stable, but also especially respects her ideas, so when the two people are together, she never thinks about changing each other.
When the other party avoids, she does what she wants to do, never requires the other party to communicate, and when the other party needs space, she takes the initiative to make concessions, because what she wants is a relationship that is independent and satisfied with each other, and she has achieved her goal.
And the avoidant type is this type of soft and hard not to eat, the more you whisper, the more he looks down on you, the more you are on the line, the more ruthless he is than you, so you can appear in time when he needs it, when he does not need you, let him self-recover, he will be more loyal and stable than any kind of attachment type of partner.
But many people, in this process, before they can get the other party, they drive themselves crazy first, he has not started to abuse you, you want to run.
So, I also hope that before you choose to compound, first clarify a question, what you want to save is a person you really like, and he just happens to be an avoidant type? Or are you trying to save a love that you want to save, making the other person the ideal partner?
In fact, avoidance is honey and arsenic, no one is the perfect partner, you can try to see, but the premise is that your energy is limited, your ability is also limited.
In any case, don't torture yourself badly because the other party is not good, just try your best.
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C