What should be the relationship between parents and children? Many people may find this question inexplicable, parents and children are of course the most intimate blood relationship.
How about that, let's take a look at a recent incident.
Recently, in Changzhou, Jiangsu Province, a teenage girl beat her mother on the street because she bought a mobile phone.
It is said that the girl saved 4,000 yuan and thought of buying a mobile phone, and the mother also agreed to add another 2,000 yuan to buy an Apple mobile phone for the girl. In front of the mobile phone shop, the girl's uncle proposed that the girl's old mobile phone could still be repaired. The mother borrowed the donkey downhill and proposed not to buy it again, and Shunshi also wanted to get the girl's 4,000 yuan back. The girl felt that she could not hang on to her face and wanted her mother to ride home quickly. The mother is instead energetic, that is, she does not leave, and she has been accusing her daughter of not being. The girl finally couldn't stand it, and only then did she have a scene of beating her mother in the street.
Whether this version is the true beginning or the end of the matter, we just analyze how parents and children should get along.
First of all, let's talk about the girl's behavior, beating her mother in the street, no matter what the situation, even if the mother is wrong, she really should not act in this way. If you don't raise children, you don't know your parents' grace. Your mother gave birth to you, raised you, and lost your most basic respect, which is really a lack of humanity.
As a daughter, you act like this, only looking at your so-called face, beating your mother, this behavior is too out of line. If you really can't stand it, you can walk away first, wait until the situation calms down, and then go home to discuss with your mother. Why choose such violent behavior?
In addition, the mother riding an electric car, looking at the dress, should not be a rich and noble home, Apple mobile phone can not be. Even if you want to change your mobile phone, choose a mother that can accept it, and it will not affect your use.
In the final analysis, I am afraid that the daughter does not have much love for her mother in her heart.
Then we look at the mother's behavior, knowing that the girl is afraid of losing face, still blaming the girl in public, while allowing passers-by to point at the girl and talk about it, which eventually led to the girl's outbreak.
The mother's mistake is that she does not know how to respect the child at all, and does not consider the problem from the child's point of view at all.
Obviously, the girl has given up buying a mobile phone, why do you have to keep blaming the girl? I'm afraid that what I want in my heart is to let the girl lose face and see if she dares to talk again.
The core is actually a hegemonic idea of parents over their children. Of course, this mother certainly wouldn't think so much, just according to her own ideas, let her daughter lose herself, but she probably couldn't imagine such an ending.
I see a lot of people on the Internet, just look at the surface and make a big accusation against their daughter or mother, a keyboard man, I think this is not necessary.
In my understanding, the relationship between parents and children is very complex.
Your parents don't necessarily love you
Your parents don't necessarily love you, and many people are expected to be very surprised by this sentence. How could my parents not love me? But the truth is that many parents are also selfish, they do not have the heart of love and dedication, and raising children is also calculating an account.
The birth of children is not the crystallization of parental love, but out of a social responsibility, but only out of the influence of Chinese customs and habits such as inheritance and inheritance. This situation was very frequent in the last century.
Parents do not have so-called love for their children, but just give birth to their children and then fulfill the basic responsibility of support, and even education is missing.
Especially for girls, under the influence of the idea of son preference, many rural girls are not valued, let alone love.
When I was a child, I met many families with poor family conditions, and girls were sent out early to work and subsidize the family. Then, when the age to be married, the parents opened their mouths again to ask for a dowry, and they married out hastily, and then basically ended the relationship between the parents and the girl, as if they were just raising a tool.
Can this situation still be called love?
Parental love may simply be a desire to control
A while ago, I saw a news that the doctor's father forced the 5-year-old child to learn high numbers, and often accompanied by scolding behavior, which is not a problem that does not want the child to lose at the starting line.
This is simply satisfying one's own perverted desire for control. Five-year-old children are still in the stage of learning to add and subtract, and they must begin to systematically learn high numbers, which is imposed on the child by fathers in order to satisfy their desire for control.
How to judge whether parents' behavior is for the good of their children or to satisfy their own desire for control?
Everything has a degree, beyond this degree, it can no longer be said that it is for the sake of the child, just like this father forced the child to learn high numbers, obviously know that this is an unavoidable thing, but also have to do, then just to satisfy their own desire to control, or care about the child to learn, they can show off, show off. There is also no so-called love in it at all.
In my work, I can often contact many parents who hope that their children will become dragons and their daughters will become phoenixes. Arrange everything for your children exactly according to your own ideas. From studying, to making friends, to getting dressed and eating. But whenever a child has a little disobedience, that is, either scolding or crying and complaining that I am for your own good, because your desire to control brings great pressure to your children until they are out of breath.
In the news of previous years, similar incidents have occurred frequently, and even some children are overwhelmed and choose to end their young lives. I think all parents should take this as a warning.
This is inseparable from the closed nature of the Chinese family, and no one knows how the family of others works within. Controlling parents don't go around showing off how they manipulate their children, and their children don't talk to outsiders about how they are controlled.
The different frequencies of thought lead to different synchronizations of behavior
In the above two parts we look at some of the pathological relationships between parents and children. So what exactly is causing this to happen?
Different frequencies of thought
Parents and children receive different education, maybe you are a graduate of undergraduate and graduate school, and your parents are only primary school or even uneducated. That thought is certainly out of sync, the perception of the world is also very different, parents think good, you may feel very poor. Parents think it's not good, you think it's not bad.
Sometimes conflicts even break out, with parents waiting for their children's gratitude and their children waiting for their parents' apologies.
The unsatisfied material
Returning to the opening story, the dissatisfaction of materials also intensifies the relationship between parents and children. If this family is rich and expensive, then it is not to say that it is a mobile phone, even if it is expensive, it does not matter, it will not cause such a conflict.
Different mental needs
Many of my parents' generation are farmers facing the loess with their backs to the sky, and it is difficult to understand the problem of psychological needs, and they feel that it is good to have a good life. It is difficult to understand that today's young people can actually suffer from depression.
I talked to my mother a while ago about a friend of mine who was diagnosed with depression, and as a result, my mother came to say that she was full of food and support, and let him go to the field to do farm work for a few days to see if he was depressed or not depressed.
You see, this is completely uncommunicative. Requirements are out of sync.
How to deal with the relationship between parents and children
Intimate but intermittent, loving but independent.
This sentence can basically summarize how parents and children get along.
Parents and children are, of course, the closest blood relationship, but keeping them apart. Parents are the guardians of their children, but they are not surveillancers, and no one can stand the constant surveillance.
Children and parents should love each other, which sounds like nonsense to many people, but it is not. This ability to love is learned the day after tomorrow, and no one is born to know how to love others and how to inherit the love of others. Parents and children must learn to love each other. At the same time, we must give him a space for independence, not to erase the independence of children under the guise of love, but to give him a free flying sky.
And the premise of this sentence is respect, parents should be willing to talk to their children as an equal personality, remember that he is not a tool, he also has thoughts, he also has ideas. Children should be willing to consider the problem from the perspective of their parents, rather than just not meeting the requirements and making unreasonable trouble, to understand that parents also have their difficulties, but it is difficult to say.
There is a Chinese saying that before the age of thirty, look at the father and respect the son, and after the age of thirty, look at the son and respect the father. The original meaning is that before the age of thirty, people respect their sons on the face of their fathers, and after the age of thirty, people respect their fathers on the face of their sons.
In fact, I think it is also possible to understand it this way, before the age of thirty, the father, as the pillar of the family, the head of the family, must be willing to respect, to treat the child equally, to lay down his body, to mingle with the child. After the age of thirty, the child is older, may have the ability and level to surpass the father, to learn to respect the father, to understand, to tolerate the father as the father respects the child.
Intimate companionship, decent withdrawal, this is what parents should focus on.
At the end of the article, attach a poem:
Your daughter, in fact, is not your daughter
They are the children born of life's desire for itself
They came into this world through you, but they did not come because of you
They are by your side, but they do not belong to you
What you can give them is your love, but not your thoughts
What you can shelter is their body but not their soul
Because their souls belong to tomorrow, to tomorrow that you can't dream of
You can do your best and become like them
But don't make them like you
Because life does not go backwards, nor does it stay in the past
You are the bow, and the children are the arrows that shoot from you
The archer looks at the arrow target of the future
He pulls you away with all his might, causing his arrows to shoot fast and far
With a happy mood, bend in the hands of the archer
Because he loves arrows that fly all the way, and he loves the incomparably stable bow
How do you relate to your parents or children?
Welcome to leave a message to discuss.