Before I had children, I always thought that every child was a blank piece of paper, and the formation of personality depended entirely on the environment and family education.
After having children, I found that every child has its own personality from birth.
Some children are naturally more irritable than other children, some children are naturally sensitive, some children are active, some children are quiet...
This has long been verified by neurobiology and genetics.
Each person will be assigned a child of what character, like a lottery, completely random.
However, I was honored to be assigned a naturally grumpy, noisy child.
Since then, "how can I control myself and not get angry?" "It became the most difficult problem in my life."
Fortunately, I have been working hard, and through the "peak duels" with my children again and again, I finally found the real reason for "uncontrollable anger", which allowed me to find an outlet for relief.
01, shadow child
Each of us has three selves in our hearts: the shadow child, the sunshine child, and the adult self.
The first two selves, which are rarely perceived by us, are hidden in our subconscious but influence our behavior 90% of the time.
The adult self is the conscious, rational self that, while we can feel it, its response is always lagging behind when emotions come.
That's why every time we end the fire, we start to feel guilty, blame ourselves, and feel that we just did something wrong.
Because, when emotions come, it's the shadow kid who really dominates us.
When I was angry with my child, I could only feel the feeling of anger burning, but when I sat down and wrote an emotional diary, I saw my shadow child shouting.
When I was a child, the three children in the family, I was old and young, and I would always be crushed by my sisters, which made me feel very incompetent.
I absorbed the belief that "I'm not good enough," which was deeply rooted in my subconscious, and as an adult, it still jumped out from time to time, affecting my behavior and making me depressed and powerless.
When children make trouble and can't coax well, especially in front of outsiders, this sense of incompetence will come out and say, "Even a child can't manage well, you are really incompetent."
As an adult, I learned to cover up this incompetence with anger, which became a kind of kicking cat effect. Vent this negative energy at the weakest child.
But the good news is that the shadow child, like the child in reality, when he is paid attention to and fully valued, he will walk away satisfied and can play on his own for a while.
So, when I started seeing Him, listening to Him, and caring for Him as an adult, He was slowly healed.
The next time I see a child who is disobedient and cries, I will rarely be controlled by this shadow child.
Because I found the most pausing button, that is, to say to myself:
"It doesn't matter, even if I don't, I'm still a good mom, and my value doesn't just come from handling this conflict."
I did this again and again, and finally the voice became my own inner voice.
I found that the number of times I got angry was really getting less and less.
02, conceit complex
When the child throws a tantrum at me, or even throws something, he is simply expressing dissatisfaction and pain that his needs are not being met.
But I saw it as a challenge to me, to the authority of a parent.
At this time, my first thought is to let him know who is the boss.
This confrontation is no longer a parent's discipline of the child, but has evolved into a power struggle between two children.
Sometimes I also delude myself into thinking that I am making rules for him, and there are no rules and no squares.
But when I calmed down and reflected on my behavior, I found that if I really made rules out of love for my children, I didn't need to be angry.
I just need to objectively express my opinion of his behavior, my hope for him. How he chooses is his business.
Or I need to see what his needs are not being met and understand his inner pain. And to express my love to him, which is actually to see and take care of his shadow child.
And I'm just bluffing with anger, trying to suppress the child through anger and make him obey me.
And all these ideas stem from the conceit complex.
As a parent, the hardest and most important thing is to overcome the conceit complex, not to treat the child as your appendage, but to treat him as an independent and complete person.
That way you can really respect him and love him.
03, anxiety and fear
Every parent has an unrealistic idea about their child, that is, they want their child to be a perfect child.
In the past, when I saw certain shortcomings in my children, I would be very resistant, even anxious, afraid.
"If he keeps doing this, what if he grows up?" Then there's a cascade of negative associations.
Sometimes he will unconsciously compare his shortcomings with other people's children and become more anxious.
By writing an emotional diary, it became clear to me that this was really just my anxiety.
Anxiety is what anxiety is, and anxiety is the fear of the future.
This fear is completely unnecessary, because the future is full of uncertainty, and starting to worry now will not only not make things better, but will only increase the trouble.
The child is like a flower, masculine, and as a parent, if we can always water him with love, he will grow into the way he wants to be.
I began to let go of these stupid anxieties, to change what I could change, to accept that I couldn't. Love my children well.
Perfect parents are like mirages, there are no perfect parents in the world, and there are no perfect children.
As parents, we need to open our arms and accept this imperfection, because it is precisely this imperfection that is the weapon of change.
The child is like an angel, and his arrival is to give the parents a chance to re-understand themselves.
As long as we are aware, we slowly connect and reconcile with our past. We will become better and better parents, better and better selves.
Welcome to like, follow!