In The Curse of Cuteness, Jacques Masson says, "Good parents equal unconditional love plus clear boundaries." ”
In the hit drama "Little Minjia", there is an interesting plot.
Xiaomin, a single mother, recently encountered such a question: Should she wash her underwear for her adult son? So she asked her boyfriend Chen Zhuo if he washed her daughter's underwear now?
Chen Zhuo was surprised and replied, "She is such a big girl, how can I wash her panties?" He also told Xiao Min that if the mother washed her son's underwear and dried them, the son's reaction after he came back to see it must be to suspect that the mother was a pervert.
With the episode airing, the topic of "whether a mother should wash the underwear of a high school student's son" has caused a heated discussion.
Some netizens believe that children have reached adulthood, underwear belongs to their privacy, especially parents of the opposite sex should not flip, wash their children's underwear, otherwise it will cause children's disgust and embarrassment.
Some netizens also think that as parents, there is something wrong with washing their children's underwear. But it is a matter of carrying hands, where there are so many poor and exquisite.
So, when the child grows up, should the parents wash the child's underwear?
Li Xue proposed in "When I Meet a Person" that the boundary can be said to be one of the most lacking concepts in Chinese. In fact, whether or not to wash the child's underwear is ultimately a matter of grasping the sense of boundaries between parents and children.
Underwear is personal privacy clothing, especially when children grow up, their gender awareness begins to increase, self-awareness becomes more and more intense, underwear for them, has been a very important part of personal privacy.
As parents, especially parents of the opposite sex, you should consciously avoid touching your child's underwear and underwear.
There is an old Chinese saying that "children avoid mothers, women avoid fathers", healthy parent-child relationships should be built on clear boundaries, if parents do not take the initiative to clarify boundaries, for the growth of children, it will bring him a lot of trouble.
There is a proper term in the psychology of child sex education, called family implicit sexual assault, one of the manifestations of which is the boundless contact with the child's body.
Change clothes do not avoid children, do not close the door to the toilet, children bathe in and out of the house, kiss children of the opposite sex, touch the child's body, the child is very large and sleep together, take a bath together, including washing the underwear of adolescent children.
Parents think that this is a manifestation of love for their children, and their babies have nothing to avoid. But for the child, his physical boundaries are blurred, the sexual boundaries are blurred, and the safety awareness is confused, such a child, mental health is easy to have problems.
Therefore, many people do not have enough sense of self-protection in adulthood, and even do not have enough sensitivity and boundary awareness in contact with the opposite sex. In particular, many men allow their mothers to interfere with their lives and even privacy after they have become adults, all because of problems in transitional education during adolescence.
Parents' transgression has brought great trouble to the growth of children.
In fact, in the growth of children, one of the most frightening mentalities of parents is "my child, there is nothing to avoid."
It is this kind of thinking that makes many parents unscrupulously peep into their children's privacy, interfere with their children's behavior and thoughts, and dictate their growth, and even after the children enter adulthood, they cannot escape the control of their parents.
The final result is that either the child obediently admits defeat and becomes a highly dependent "mother treasure", or it will be particularly rebellious, and even disgust, disgust and even extreme disgust to the parents, and some of this rebellion will last for more than ten or even decades.
Adolescence is an important period when parents and children gradually distance themselves, and at this stage, it is not just children who have to stay away from their parents. Even parents should take the initiative to establish a sense of boundaries with their children. In particular, pay attention to the three privacy of the child, do not inquire at will.
Privacy of the child's body
The privacy of a child's body includes two aspects, one is physical contact and the other is underwear privacy.
As children grow up, parents of the opposite sex should pay attention to keeping a distance from their children and reduce behaviors such as hugging, touching, and kissing. Parents should not change their underwear in front of children of the opposite sex, do not walk around the room in their underwear, pay attention to the closure of the door when going to the toilet to take a bath, and do not break in.
Children's underwear should be washed by the child himself, and he should clean up and stack it by himself.
This is the key to building gender awareness and gender bottom line for children.
Privacy of the child's room
Frankly, I have a lot of families around me who remove the lock on the door of the child's room, even tear it down, and never knock on the door when entering and leaving the child's room.
The growth of children must have their own independent space, and this kind of unscrupulous intrusion of parents is actually the biggest interference and violation of children's growth. Adolescent children, in particular, are always trembling and insecure!
Especially the room of adolescent children, do not break into it at will. Be sure to knock on the door to enter and get permission from your child before entering.
A small knock on the door brings the child the respect and understanding of the parents, and this is particularly important for the growth of the child's three views.
Child's phone privacy
Today's children basically have their own mobile phones after entering junior high school. In order to prevent their children from falling in love early, parents are afraid that their children will be distracted by playing games, and they will ask to check their mobile phones at every turn.
In fact, this is a great violation of the child's privacy.
Children grow up and have their own world, their own circles, their own friends and ways of chatting.
If you are really worried about your child's early love and bad learning, the focus should not be on the mobile phone, but on the child's usual education and the cultivation of the three views.
A child with three correct views and a measured measure, give him ten thousand mobile phones, and he can't do anything out of the ordinary!
American parenting expert Sears once said: Love children need to be appropriate, and there is also a scale and measure to express love. Only in this way will love not become a cover for perversion.
Parents should understand that even intimate relationships should maintain an appropriate distance, and do not use the excuse of "being good for you" to point fingers at their children's growth. On the contrary, the more you respect your children, the better your children will be, the more self-disciplined they will be, and even the closer their relationship with their parents will be.