I often hear many parents reprimand their children: You are also at home, can you go outside to cross? It's the guy who's in the nest and goes out the door!
Although parents often reprimand their children in this way, in fact, many children are flying at home, arrogant and overbearing, slightly unhappy to lose their temper, and parents talk back, and even quarrel with their parents, as soon as they go outside, they are honest, obedient like a small white rabbit, even if sometimes they are scolded and robbed by others, they dare not speak out, and dare not resist.
In fact, the baby's "nest horizontal, going out to instigate", can not all blame the child, the truth exposed behind it is more worthy of our reflection.
1, "nest horizontal", mostly from the ruleless love
Many children are the only children in the family, some are still the second generation of only children, the family is a baby, grandparents, grandparents and grandparents are very fond of it, a family of six people are around the child, pampered no. What the child needs, the family will immediately meet, everything depends on the child.
Once, I took my daughter to a friend's house to play.
Just met her son at home, had to buy exactly the same as her sister Peppa Pig doll, friends at first refused to buy, because they think the same toys, buy a set is enough, sister and brother can take turns to play ah.
As a result, her son lost his temper, cried incessantly, and threw his sister Peppa Pig to the ground. The friend hurriedly coaxed his son: "Okay, I can't buy it for you!" ”
The son cried even louder: "I want it now, you go buy it for me now!" ”
My friend smiled awkwardly at me while quickly asking my husband to go out and buy it. After his father left, the son immediately got up from the ground and stopped crying.
Behind every nest of children, there is a pair of parents with unclear rules and unlimited spoiling.
Yang Jie, a master of education and parent-child counselor at Beijing Normal University, believes that if the mother blindly compromises, the child will only learn two things from the mother.
First, tantrums;
Second, as long as you insist on losing your temper, your mother will compromise sooner or later.
The child nests horizontally, because he knows that his parents will always love him, and the nest will not only achieve the goal, but also will not be punished.
Human nature is to seek advantage and avoid harm, and the more secure the environment, the easier it is to be unrestrained and reveal its true disposition. This is true for adults, and it is true for children.
Of course, it is important to raise children with full love, but unprincipled doting on children is easy to cause children to have no rules, do not understand respect, self-centered selfishness and willfulness!
It is better to love excessively than not to love, and to give when it is time to refuse is not kindness, but hurt.
2, children have less social interaction and less contact with the outside world
Now many people like to stay at home, parents like to stay at home, children are also at home, home electronic products attract adults and children, children go out to play opportunities are relatively small, rarely contact with people outside, can not contact with peers more contact and play, etc.
The most critical thing is that there will not be so many people outside who are accustomed to children, and children who continue to "horizontally" are not only ineffective, but also may be counterattacked.
Adults are not around and cannot provide close protection. At this time, the child is isolated and helpless, does not know how to protect himself, and does not know how to get close to others, and then feels frustrated.
Therefore, children who "lie in the nest and go out to instigate" are actually lonely and afraid in their hearts.
3, the family atmosphere is not good
The family is not the child's patent, many people are specifically for the family, and it is difficult to go out. The so-called "good temper is left to outsiders, bad temper is all given to the family."
When looking at such a person, his original family generally has such a problem.
I once heard a mother complain: her husband is the "movie emperor", what happens in the family of outsiders and neighbors, he is always patient and patient to help others, and he always looks impatient at home.
Therefore, there is a genetic effect in the nest, if you do not want your child to be in the nest, you must lead by example, set a good example, and leave the good temper to the family.
Parents' emotions have a great impact on children, some parents at home always can not control their emotions, quarrel in front of the child, even fight, the child is actually the most afraid of parents quarrel and everyone, over time, the child will become timid and afraid, cowardly. But children know that their parents love themselves and will spoil themselves, so over time they have formed a timid personality at home and out.
4. Parents' substitution
When I was hanging out downstairs, I saw such a scene.
A little girl wanted to play on the swing, but both swings were already being played. The father with the baby, seeing that his daughter wanted to play but did not dare to come forward, went directly to the child who was swinging and said: "Can you let your sister play for a while?" ”
In life, many parents will be like this father, when the child and the peer contact, always can not help but stand up for the child.
It seems to solve the problem, but in fact it deprives the child of the opportunity to learn to solve the problem on his own.
Children need to learn to feel and judge each other's positions and choose what to do through each other's eyes, words and deeds, the cause of things, their own emotions, etc. in a large and small social network.
American psychologist M. Scott Pike said: "One of the essences of true love is to want the other person to have an independent personality. ”
The more parents work, the more the child will only become more and more instigated when he goes out.
How to change the situation of the child's "nest and outside the instigation"?
Find the "root cause" of the problem, you can try to guide the baby in this way.
1. Establish clear rules at home
Do not continue to indulge in pampering children, you can train children to participate in family labor, let children do what they can, will be more conducive to cultivating children's independent ability.
At the same time, the needs of the child can be selectively met and certain boundaries are set.
"I can meet your request, but you have to promise me this!"
Let the child understand that not all people should be centered on him, and not all needs can be met.
After making the rules, only by resolutely enforcing them will the child know where your boundaries are: "'Nest horizontal' is useless, parents are not 'at my mercy'!" ”
True love is not simply giving, but also appropriate rejection, timely praise, proper criticism, necessary encouragement, and effective urging.
2. Let the child go out more and increase the opportunity to socialize
Play and contact with friends of the same age, let the child experience some things, maybe the child is still "instigated" at the beginning, but with the increase of experience, the child can realize and change under the contact with people, and can summarize and reflect in the continuous relationship and change the state of "instigation".
The experience of the environment and the accumulation of insight can make children more and more bold and no longer timid in public places.
3. Teach children how to express and vent their emotions
Children who are "nested horizontally" at home often have limited expression ability, and in addition to crying and making trouble, they can't think of other ways to solve the problem.
Over time, emotional expression and communication skills will lag behind those of their peers.
It is very important for children to understand their own and others' emotions. Children should learn to think about their own feelings and consider how their actions will affect others.
Emotions are innate, and everyone has bad times, not to mention children.
When the child loses his temper, do not stop it directly, first learn to understand and accept the child, hug him, and tell him: "Mom knows that you are not happy, you are angry now, you can lose your temper for a while." "But **** thing, I won't agree, because..."
On the one hand, remind the child to be aware of the existence of his emotions, and on the other hand, firmly tell him that tantrums will not achieve the goal.
In children, it reflects the thoughts and words and deeds of their parents.
There are no born "bad kids", only parents who will not be taught the day after tomorrow.
In the end, the child's "nest horizontal, out of the door" is also very good to solve,
Parents do not spoil, do not do everything, both give and refrain,
Children can naturally develop in a balanced and intelligent manner.