Since ancient times, we have many famous sayings in educating our children, such as "strict father produces filial piety, loving mother is more defeated", "strict father and loving mother"... Therefore, many families also follow the warning of the older generation, playing two different roles in educating their children, showing different attitudes.
My husband has a classmate, in order to educate his 5-year-old naughty and naughty child, and his wife division of labor, my husband's friends sing white face, when the child is disobedient, he will face, or reprimand, or punishment, or scolding;
His wife, on the other hand, has a gentle personality, and is responsible for singing red faces, and when the husband disciplines the children to a certain extent, he then comes forward to coax the children to act according to the requirements of the adults.
The two of them have great respect for this method of education, and they believe that when educating children, there must be a person in the family who makes him afraid, otherwise it will be difficult for children to discipline.
But if both parents are too strict, it is not good, and it is easy for children not to feel the love of their parents.
This method of education, at first glance, sounds quite reasonable, and it is necessary to educate children to be both enwei and shi, not to mention that strict father and mother are originally the standard methods of Chinese-style education.
But slowly, I found that there are many drawbacks to this method of educating children, and it is very detrimental to the growth of children.
British psychologist Sagay proposed a watch law, also known as "Sagay's law", if a person only owns one watch, then she can know the time;
But when she has two or more watches, she can't know a more accurate time, and it will create chaos and make watch readers lose confidence in accurate time.
That is to say, everyone cannot choose (accept) two different codes of conduct or values at the same time, otherwise he will be in chaos.
This is the same in educating children, one of the two parents sings red face, one sings white face, it seems that the parents cooperate with each other, complement each other, in fact, will make the child confused who is right, who is wrong, who should listen to whom, will let the child fall into a situation of confusion, not overwhelmed in confusion.
Song Qi, a historian and writer of the Song Dynasty, said in "Miscellaneous Sayings": "Father or mother. The child is out of order. This means that on the issue of educating children, if the parents' opinions are inconsistent, then the children will be at a loss, and the educational effect will not be very good.
In educating children, one sings red face and one sings white face, what is the adverse effect on children?
1. Destroy the parent-child relationship
Parents have long adopted the "face" tactic, a punishment and a longitudinal, a tight and a loose, there will be children no matter what they encounter is not willing to share with the party singing blackface, in the long run, it will cause parent-child alienation, the child may only like the father or mother! Once this happens, it is very difficult to fix it!
2, children are easy to form a two-faced faction
When there is a contradiction in the parents' education methods, children often seek advantages and avoid disadvantages. They often turn to the side that is most favorable to themselves, using the kindness and obedience of the "red face", and have no fear, trying to achieve their goals. For the "white-faced" side, it shows obedience and obedience. In the long run, the child learned to see the wind and make the rudder, two-faced.
Hu Ke once mentioned in the variety show "Women Have Something to Say" that parents should not dress up in red and white faces, she said, "Even if the two of you have different educational methods and attitudes, don't show it in front of your children, and parents should unite in front of their children, because children are too smart."
When parents disagree, children learn to find umbrellas. Mom said you can't do this, and Dad said that the child is still young, don't always restrain the child, the child will take advantage of the loophole to find the father, in the long run, the child will learn to look at the face of the person and act! ”
3. Children cannot distinguish between right and wrong
If parents have different views on things, children will feel dazed, do not know who to listen to, the final result may not be over, children can not learn reasonable rules, can not distinguish between right and wrong, their hearts are full of contradictions, the future encounter similar things may also be right and wrong.
Parents play different "faces" in home tutoring, make different judgments about the same thing that children do, and adopt different attitudes, which is easy to make children confused and confused, do not know who to listen to, and can only treat the wrong things they do with an attitude of indifference. This is very detrimental to the formation of the child's concept of right and wrong.
4. Greatly reduce education and affect the authority of parents
At first, children have no concept of right and wrong, good and evil, beauty and ugliness, etc.
When a child makes a mistake, parents need to immediately educate them to tell them what is wrong? Why is it wrong? How to correct it in the future?
Such timely education not only has a good effect, but also the child will be convinced. If when the child is at fault, the inclusive protection of singing "white face", regardless of whether it is asked or cannot be managed, wait until the singing of "red face" comes back and then "repeats the old words", its educational effect will be greatly reduced.
If the parents' opinions are always inconsistent, it is easy for children to question the authority of their parents and thus be unwilling to listen to their parents' requests.
5. Lack of security
When parents educate their children, do not deliberately sing red and white faces, which will make children lack a sense of happiness in the process of getting along with their parents.
Teacher Wu Zhihong said in "Round Table Pie": Children are born narcissistic, which will make him feel that the whole world is caused by him. The good things are caused by him, and the bad things are also caused by him.
Parents may think that this is a good cooperation, but in the eyes of the child, they will think that the parents are not harmonious and always quarrel because of my problems.
Children will therefore have anxiety and insecurity in their hearts, they are afraid of seeing their parents quarreling, and even have shadows in their hearts, long-term contradiction education leads to children's distrust of people, the formation of decadent psychology, lack of responsibility. It is also difficult to erase after adulthood, which has a negative impact on people's lives.
Parents who advocate "one singing red face, one singing white face" are trying to achieve the purpose of disciplining their children and letting their children have a person they are afraid of.
But is it to educate children so that children have a fearful person? In fact, education should be a process that makes children understand the truth, if in order to obtain immediate results, frequent use of the "red and white face" strategy. In fact, it is the laziness of parents in education.
The real sense of "red and white face" education should be different educational methods under the same educational concept, not to dismantle each other, but to complement each other.
The purpose of singing white faces is to make children fearful, and they will not act unscrupulously, but authority does not come from superficial majesty, but from making children have a sense of order in their hearts. Singing red face is to make children feel love and freedom, but at the same time, let children understand the bottom line and boundaries.
We all know that even couples with deep feelings will have differences on the issue of educating their children, and even if the views are basically the same, they may disagree on specific issues and details.
However, if one party sings red face and the other party sings white face, it not only affects the feelings of husband and wife, but also makes the child in a dilemma, left and right, and at a loss.
So what should parents do when it comes to disagreements about educating their children?
As early as 1925, the famous mainland educator Tao Xingzhi emphasized in his book review "Chen Shuzhi" that the traditional Chinese "strict father and mother" style of family education "is inevitably too bad."
Tao Xingzhi believes that parents shoulder the burden of educating their children, but they cannot use various methods to discipline their children at will, parents should be united with each other, and the viewpoint of educating children should be consistent, that is to say, parents should have the same united front in educating their children, so that education can be effective.
How should parents unite when educating their children?
1. Jointly establish the authority of parents
In the 1960s, Professor Diana Baumling of the University of California divided parenting into four types in the 1960s: authoritarian parenting, laissez-faire, apathetic and authoritative parenting, of which authoritative parenting is currently the most effective way to raise children and adolescents.
Children who grow up in this mode of raising have the best psychological adaptability. They are creative, intellectually curious, and able to maintain close relationships with their parents and friends.
They have good self-management skills, self-confidence, initiative, and good self-control. So what do authoritative parents do?
1, set rules and boundaries, good at saying "no" to the child's willfulness
French child education expert Marc Renault concluded that there are two key factors in early childhood education, one of which is to establish the authority of parents and be good at saying "no" to children's willfulness.
Dr. Reynolds believes that children do not know what is best for them, and that it is the responsibility of parents to teach them to distinguish between right and wrong.
Establishing majesty will make children clearly aware of rules and boundaries. Being banned and rejected is an integral part of their upbringing. They must learn to give up and understand that not all their demands and desires will be met.
Establishing authority and loving children has always been a single choice question, and rules and freedom are not contradictory. If rules are greater than love, it is tyranny; if love is greater than rules, it is coddling.
In fact, it is out of love for our children that we have set up various rules to ensure that children can grow up safely and healthily.
Loving children is our instinct; It is our responsibility to make rules for our children. Making rules is not about controlling children with rules and regulations, but about making them a cultured, popular person everywhere under the rules. The unity of rules and love can achieve the future of children.
2. Communicate and communicate with children frequently
Parents establish authority in front of their children, and the most important thing is communication and exchange. When we set rules and boundaries for our children, we must explain to them why some behaviors are acceptable and some behaviors are unacceptable.
This allows the child to feel respected, so parents can also win the child's understanding, so as to establish a close parent-child relationship.
3, parents should be a good example
Emerson said: "What kind of person a child ultimately becomes depends mainly on the love, companionship and role model he receives from the first educator." ”
If parents want to establish an authoritative image in their children's hearts, the key is to set a good example first. When parents set rules for their children, these rules must not only be applied to the children, parents must also lead by example to follow these rules.
Imagine if parents can't do what they ask their children to do, why let the children comply with them?
Second, take the initiative to listen and actively communicate
Many couples disagree, mostly because of a lack of communication in the first place. If we had discussed and communicated about certain things in the beginning, those differences could have been resolved in the first place.
When there is a disagreement between husband and wife on the issue of educating children, the first thing to do is to actively listen to each other's reasons, understand each other's ideas, and reach an agreement through communication.
Third, resolve differences and contradictions privately
Even after the initial communication, parents will inevitably disagree in the process of educating their children, at this time, we must remain calm, do not argue with the other half arbitrarily, and do not conflict with the other half in front of the child.
When parents disagree on the issue of educating their children, if they are not in a hurry to solve the problem, they can let the children avoid it first and then communicate together.
If it is a problem that is in a hurry to solve, it is also necessary to pay attention to the measure in front of the child, otherwise the careful child can easily hear the parents' opinions are divided. One parent can compromise temporarily and then privately find time to negotiate in order to agree with each other.
In the movie "Wrestle, Daddy", the father discovers his daughter's wrestling talent and wants to train them in wrestling. In the face of his wife's opposition, he was not completely stubborn, he and his wife calmly discussed, proposed to give themselves a year, hoping that during this period, his wife would not interfere, if he was wrong, he would no longer insist and completely give up his ideas.
The wife agreed, even if the father cut the daughters' hair, even if the two daughters asked her to help intercede to avoid training, and kept the one-year contract with her husband.
The united front of father and mother completely cut off the child's desire to "exploit the loophole", and more importantly, let the child understand what to do.
Education has never been a matter for one person, only when parents are in step with each other and have unified standards can children understand the rules and know right and wrong.