The state has the national law, and the family has the family rules. With rules, people can perform their duties and responsibilities to ensure social stability.
Specific to the complex life of man, the process of a child's growth from childhood to adulthood must not have clear, complex, and specific steps like a simple mechanical body.
Complex systems need to be driven by simple rules, which is also the most mysterious and interesting place. What kind of rules can make a child a living individual and a child a person who is responsible for himself?
Because we our children so much, how long can you accompany him? If he doesn't have the ability to deal with problems, if he doesn't have the ability to protect himself, his parents can't help it. For example, we can see from the fact that children write homework. It is a large number of parents who start to be nervous after their children go to the first grade, saying how to help their children develop a good learning habit. Then many people come up with the idea that when the first grade is the most important, we must keep an eye on him and help him develop a good study habit, and when he learns to write homework, it will be good. Then from the first grade, I began to stare at him to write homework. Oops, this staring at his homework, you have to keep staring. Because as long as you don't stare, the child starts to relax. Then many parents are particularly strange, saying that usually fathers are kind and filial to their children, they are particularly happy, why do they jump when they write homework, get angry when they write homework, and an inexplicable anger comes up from the back of their heads.
We know that yelling doesn't help children to write homework, but many parents just can't help but yell, and have a heart attack and are sent to the hospital, etc., causing a lot of problems.
Therefore, we need to let the children run forward on their own. When there is life force in this child's heart, you can't suppress him. He will continue to explore, to pursue, to find books to read. This is the most important source and strength for a person's development in his life.
So specifically, what can be done to help children grow?
The first is called unconditional love.
What can unconditional love bring? It is trust, respect, and security.
Because although every parent says to their child, I love him the most. But to really build unconditional love, we need to fight two things: one called exchange, and one called threat.
I was eating breakfast outside that day, and I heard a mother nagging: "Will you hurry up, if you don't hurry up, you will be late, and then don't eat later, go to school hungry." "This method of threat will put the child in a state of insecurity." While parents like to treat their children with threats, their children are constantly learning from you. We say that the child is a copy of the parent. So before puberty, how simple and rough your way of treating this child, how easy it is to get him, you will harvest a cruel adolescence, it is as simple as that. Because he's learning from you, he's learning from you all the ways to deal with problems. When he has the ability, he will apply all the problem-solving methods he learned from you to you first.
There are also many parents who like to casually commit. If you get a good test this year, take you on a tour or buy you a mobile phone. As a result, the results came out, and I said with a disdainful face that the results were too bad and I didn't think about anything. At that moment, the child immediately realizes that all you love is that achievement. Therefore, we use this wrong way of communication, and we cannot establish unconditional love with our children.
But unconditional love does not mean coddling, and unconditional love can be criticized. If the child does something wrong, someone must come out to correct it, which will bring a sense of security to the child. But you should be careful that before criticizing him, you need to articulate unconditional love. "Because Mom and Dad love you, I'm going to tell you why you can't do that." Because Mom and Dad care about you the most, I want to resolutely stop you from doing such a thing. After the lecture, you can say it very harshly, and after you finish speaking, you have to tell him, you see, although your father criticized you today, your father and mother will always love you. You have to keep stressing this matter before he can know and say, "Oh, it turns out that my parents have made suggestions to me and criticized me, really for my own good." ”
The second is called a sense of value.
Unconditional love can bring a sense of belonging, and he knows that I belong to this family. How do you build a sense of value? That is, you want the child to know that he is valuable, he is capable, he can solve many problems by himself, and his self-esteem level will be high, which is called the establishment of a sense of value.
Many of our parents have a habitual blow in front of their children. Whether the child behaves well or badly, the parents are responsible for hitting him. Act well, say you your tail, behave badly, say you look at you, how much worse you are than others. Then as long as the parents appear, they will never allow the child to be proud, never allow the child to be happy, and never allow the child to be proud. The result of this habitual blow is that we lower our child's self-esteem level day by day, but you know that a person's self-esteem level determines his self-discipline. People with high self-esteem have strong self-discipline, but if a person's self-esteem level is low, he feels that I can't do anything, can't do it, then his self-discipline will also be poor. Why can't a large number of children pick up their mobile phones? The reason is that his self-esteem level is extremely low, he thinks I can't control myself anyway, I can't manage myself as a person. Because parents say all day long, "You can't control yourself." The child will gradually grow into the appearance described in the mouth of the parent. Therefore, we need to improve the child's self-esteem level, that is, we need to immediately stand up and tell the child when he is doing the right thing, what is the reason why you just did this right. Praise him and say why. After explaining why clearly, the child learns to insist on this correct thing for a lifetime by doing such a correct thing. When we improve his sense of worth, his self-esteem level increases, and his self-discipline can be increased accordingly, so as to be responsible for himself.
This reminds me of a case by the famous educator Mr. Tao Xingzhi.
Tao Xingzhi saw two students fighting inside the school, and an older student grabbed another child and beat him. Tao Xingzhi stopped them, learned about the situation, and then said to the senior student, "You go to the office and wait for me." Then it was gone. When he arrived at the office, he saw that the senior student was already there, and Tao Xingzhi immediately took out a piece of candy and said to him, "Come, hold it." The student was surprised: "What's wrong, teacher?" Tao Xingzhi said: "I let you come, you came, and you ran very fast, and immediately arrived at the office, before me, indicating that you have a principal like me in your mind, indicating that you respect the teacher very much, and I have to reward you." The student said, "Thank you Principal." Tao Xingzhi took out another piece of candy and said to the student, "Come, hold it." The student was surprised again: "What's wrong, Principal?" "I wonder in my heart, am I still playing right today?" Tao Xingzhi then said, "I have already investigated, and you beat that little friend because he bullied girls." You are very brave and righteous, very good, worthy of praise! ”
The student said, "Thank you Principal. Tao Xingzhi then asked, "Then do you think there is any other way to solve this matter?" The student hurriedly said, "Principal, I was wrong, I could just pull them away, I don't need to hit him." This is what I did wrong. I won't be so reckless and violent next time. Tao Xingzhi immediately took out the third candy and said to him: "If you know your mistakes, you can change them, you can be good, people who are not sages can be blameless, you can realize your mistakes, immediately admit your mistakes, and think that you will not make them again in the future, it is really a good child." I should reward you. ”
Three pieces of sugar, let's think about it, if you were this child, would you forget this in your life? What three behaviors did Mr. Tao Xingzhi use these three sugars to help the children shape?
The first act is called respecting the teacher, the second act is called seeing righteousness and courage, and the third act is called knowing mistakes and being able to change them.
The third is a lifelong growth mindset.
Even if a person has love and a sense of value in this life, it is difficult for him not to encounter setbacks. But if after encountering setbacks, his first reaction is that I am afraid, I dare not do it, I am too ashamed, I do not do it again, then he will never succeed. What really keeps him moving forward is the mindset of lifelong growth. He saw every setback as an opportunity to learn.
Why does a person work hard? Why does a person have the courage to try? Why does a person have the courage to accept the challenge? The mentality behind your investigation must come from lifelong growth. I can keep changing, I can keep improving. But if a person is a fixed mentality, think that I can not be humiliated, I am mixed up in this share, what can I do if I want to lose all this? As you keep thinking about questions like this, you become more and more narrow, more and more closed, more and more self-contained.
So how can we help our children grow?
First of all, we should learn not to label our children with a lot of labels. Don't compare your own children to other people's children. Because in this lifetime, people do not fight with anyone, people do not compare with anyone in this life, and people only compete with themselves in this life. It's whether you've ever run through yourself in the end, whether you've made yourself stronger.
Secondly, are you patient enough with your child. When you affirm a child's behavior, are you affirming the result of the behavior, or the motivation behind the behavior? The results are temporary, and the motivation is the most important. This is lifelong growth.
Now let's think about it, a child has unconditional love in his heart, his parents love him very much, he loves this society; his self-esteem is very high, his sense of value is very strong, he knows that he can solve problems; at the same time, he encounters setbacks, encounters difficulties, he can use the mentality of lifelong growth to constantly reflect and continuously improve.
Put these three points into a child's body, and I believe that this person will continue to grow on his own. Because man is a complex body, only when his real inner motivation is enough, his vitality is exuberant, and he has love, he can open the way in every mountain and build a bridge in the water. We want our children to be such a person.
Author: Liu Haixia, female, primary and secondary school teacher, national third-level psychological counselor, backbone teacher of Luoyang City, outstanding class teacher of Luoyang City, member of Song County Family Education Lecturer Group, teaching at Heming Primary School in Song County. (The image comes from the Internet, if there is infringement, please contact to delete.) ）
Editor: Yue Xiaonan Checker: Xiaoyue Image: Chai Haohong Some of the pictures come from the Internet
If you like this article
Please like and share the circle of friends