I myself am the father of two children, my daughter is a junior at the University of Pennsylvania, and my son is only in his second year of junior high school, which is the age that makes me anxious, so I have a lot of experience.
According to my personal experience, parents are actually difficult to be, but they are actually very good.
I think there are 4 main points to be said when parents:
Face the growth of children
Keep your mind calm and in a state of positive energy
I recall myself, my parents were farmers, but I was raised to Peking University.
The success of raising children actually has little to do with the level of knowledge, and I have also found that many families have particularly good conditions and a high level of parental education, but the cultivation of children is a mess.
In the face of the child's growth, we must always maintain a calm state of mind and maintain a state of positive energy for the child.
It's easy to say, but it's not so easy to do.
Now all parents and teachers wonder how much of their usual speech is positive energy? How much is negative energy?
I found that seventy or eighty percent of parents have always spoken in a negative, complaining tone.
We unconsciously evaluate the bad things in society in front of our children, and we are accustomed to transforming our loss in the middle of society and the unfairness we have received into resentment and then radiating it.
Negative attitudes will definitely affect children, and children's views of the world are also negative.
For example, if a child comes back from an exam and scores 70 points, the first reaction is why are you so stupid? How come I only scored 70 points?
Your child gets a 95 and the child comes back and says:
"Mom, I took the second place today, and there is a first place in front."
You may say, "I believe you will be able to get the first place next time." ”
Do you think this sentence is encouragement?
In fact, it is particularly full of negative energy, in fact, the child hopes to get your 100% affirmation and your praise from the heart.
I hope to get you to say: "It's not easy to get the second place, you are so perfect, you don't have to be the first place." ”
And you say, "Next time, you must take the first place." ”
This way the child is stressed, and what you are passing on to him is disappointment in him.
In the end, all kinds of negative energy slowly accumulate.
The emotion of fearing the head and the tail, the unwillingness to overcome difficulties in the face of difficulties, can drag as much as possible.
I have a different philosophy from my lover's education philosophy, and I am a person full of positive energy.
I am more at ease with the children with me, and no matter how bad the score is, they will be willing to communicate with me, because he knows that I will not insult them.
But his mother can't do it, it must be all kinds of strict requirements:
"Why haven't you finished your homework in 40 minutes?" How can it be so slow?
Hurry up and finish these 20 words silently, and you can't sleep without silent writing. ”
The result of this is that sometimes it will be counterproductive, and the child's rebellious emotions and rebellious psychology will be more.
When the parent's emotions are predictable by the child, when they are accepted by the child, the parent is qualified.
Set up some code of conduct for your child
And persevere
From childhood to adulthood, you must make rules for your children that can never be violated, and your rules are reasonable and humane, and if they are not reasonable, they will oppose them.
What kind of rules are "rules"?
For example, growing up, my mother had a "rule" that was asked of me.
Every morning before going to school, I had to sweep the floor and fold up the quilt on the bed. There is no room for negotiation, if I don't do a good job, I don't have to go to school, I can only do it.
So from the first grade of elementary school, until every day after graduating from high school, this thing has not changed, and the result of not changing is that I have developed very good habits.
Don't forget that behind such a habit is another ability that is extremely important for the success of children in the future, that is, the ability to be methodical.
And being methodical is actually an important ability for a person to be able to do things.
For example, my son is now thirteen or fourteen years old, has more Internet access, and their school requires all computers to write homework.
In this way, I found that if he had a problem with the Internet, I set him a "rule":
First, you can access the Internet;
Second, the time of the Internet should be controlled, in addition to the Internet to use the computer to do homework, the remaining time on the Internet to read other information, check things and other times is not allowed to exceed one hour;
Third, because playing games is very addictive, it is strictly forbidden to use computers to play games in principle;
I bought him a dynamic stereoscopic game connected to the TV set, he could bring his classmates over to play, but the computer could not play;
Fourth, he has his own study, but the door cannot be closed at any time, I can see him whenever I go in, and his desk cannot be turned back to the door.
I'm not trying to spy on his privacy, but because at this age I have to supervise him, because there are things online that can't be seen.
My son knew that this "rule" could not be violated and said to me:
"I'm going to lock the door, what can you do with me?"
I say:
"Isn't that simple? One kick in! ”
When he found out that this "rule" was completely unbreakable, and there would be serious consequences after breaking it, he would always abide by it.
Of course, the rules should be reasonable, and I think my rules should be reasonable for thirteen or fourteen-year-olds.
When he's watching videos online, sometimes I stop and ask:
"What for?" Daddy let's take a look at it with you. ”
But in reverse, if you walk over and say:
"Why are you watching the video again?" Your homework is still not done? Is there still any self-awareness? ”
You say, what is the reaction behind the child?
That must be a crash reaction, but that's how many of us parents speak to our children.
Again, when the rules are set, the husband and wife must be consistent, and if they are inconsistent, it is easy to be used by the child.
From the age of one, children know how to take advantage of the differences between their parents to get the most out of themselves, which is determined by biology.
Not to mention that children in elementary and junior high schools are too easy to observe how to look at the color, and some children will provoke discord between parents in order to maximize their own interests.
Children who grow up in a reading environment
No matter how bad it is, it can't be bad
Someone asked me, "Why did you like to learn when you were growing up?" Is it a natural love of learning? ”
It's not innate.
None of our murakami children were admitted to college, so I was admitted, for what reason?
Because I grew up loving to read.
Everyone asks you that your parents don't know words, why do you like to read?
It has to do with my mother's expectations of me.
When I was three or four years old, my mother said you should be a gentleman when you grow up.
In my mother's mind, being a farmer was too hard.
My mother wanted me to live like this—to become a white-faced schoolboy, without having to do farm work, and still being able to get public food, which was the concept at that time.
My mother herself couldn't read, and in order for me to be a gentleman, there was only one concept, and that was that you had to read.
So, growing up my mother never bought me any toys.
At that time, my mother raised five pigs, and the money sold belonged to her family, and the only thing that was used for pocket money was used on me- buying books to read.
When I was four or five years old, I bought me comic strips, and since I was five years old, I have known five or six hundred Chinese words, and I have begun to read children's books.
I can read Water Margin by the sixth grade, and the influence of tutoring is here.
Although my parents didn't influence me by their reading behavior, they encouraged me every time when I read, and as long as I started reading, the chores could be put aside.
In order to avoid housework, I would pretend to read, and as soon as I pretended to read, I really read it.
So you will find that the parents' requirements for the child, if reasonable, and also give encouragement, the child will grow up along the requirements.
So you understand how much parents influence their children.
Like my mother, when I was four years old, she said she wanted me to be a gentleman.
Mother creates an environment wherever you read anytime, anywhere.
I set a requirement for the female employees of the company, after having children, they must insist on reading children every day, and like to read books, and many people have done so.
Because I found that as long as a child grows up in a reading environment from childhood to adulthood, the child is not bad enough to be bad, it is as simple as that, so reading is very important.
If the child eats good things from day to night from a young age, what to give, grandparents carry the child around, buy snacks, so that the child who grows up will not be better when he grows up.
Parents pass on emotional intelligence and reverse quotient to their children
More important than passing on anything
If you think about it a little bit, after graduating from college and entering the society, although the ability to learn is still very important, what is the most important thing?
The most important thing is the ability to resist blows!
This is inverse quotient, a mentality that you can face failure without caring, and face something risky or need to break through, and you dare to try.
My mentality can be seen in my three years of college entrance examinations.
I think this mentality is very good, I can see my own progress, this is very remarkable.
In fact, my life was not good, the first year because the overall English level in China was relatively poor at that time, so the college admission score was set at 40 points, but I scored 33 points.
The next year, the college admission score line was raised to 60 points, but I scored 55 points, which was always a few points.
It was painful, but I still went to the third year of the exam, because I thought that staying in the countryside for the rest of my life would be finished.
Secondly, I think I see my progress, 33 points, 55 points, the third year is 77 points, 77 points can get into college anyway.
At that time, my goal was to enter a junior college and convert the rural hukou into an urban hukou, which was such a simple and small ideal.
But I didn't expect the English score to come out in the third year, and I scored 95 points, so I entered Peking University.
You have the ability to be frustrated, and if you move forward step by step, you will go to heights that you yourself did not expect.
I'm standing here today, and I think that although I can't get the top scientific and technological innovation, because this really needs the top IQ, I have made up for it with my efforts in the humanities and social sciences and language.
After making up, emotional intelligence and reverse quotient play a big role.
When you have a contrarian quotient, you will find that many of the difficulties, pains, and failures that arise in life are preparing for a larger goal in your future.
It is not easy for our children to have such a mind, but we adults should have such a mind.
Once you have such a mind, you will not care too much about whether your child's grades are the first and second places in the class, and whether the university he attends is Peking University, NTU, or UTokyo.
Because the fate of a child is made up of multiple layers of factors.
You will pay attention to whether your child has a contrarian quotient and can he withstand the blow? Can you still maintain your enthusiasm for life after the blow?
Does your child have emotional intelligence and is he particularly fluent in dealing with people?
Being very good at what you do, the ability to win the trust of your friends around you becomes very important.
My ability to reverse quotient plus my ability to do emotional intelligence, coupled with the lack of IQ that I made up for through my own diligence, finally made some of my careers today.
Parents here, it is more important for you to pass on emotional intelligence and reverse quotient to your children than to pass on anything.
Don't ask your child to go to a good university, don't let him go abroad, these things really don't matter, what matters is that you pass on the skills of emotional intelligence and reverse quotient.
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