What does a child's happy state look like?
When you like it, you can bravely express "I want", when you are injured, you can generously say "I am in pain" to your parents, and you will always have the freedom to express it at any time.
Author | Oh mom picked up her son from school a few days ago, and on the way she met his good friend Xiao Jiang in his class.
The enthusiastic son grabbed Xiao Jiang and invited him to say:
"Come to my house and see the Ultraman Lego I just set up."
Hearing "Ultraman", Xiao Jiang's eyes instantly lit up, but he quickly stopped smiling and carefully turned his head to look at his mother behind him.
Xiao Jiang's mother did not speak, and her serious face was written "No."
Xiao Jiang quickly turned around and waved his hand:
"No, no, I still have to go home and do my homework."
Although he said so, his eyes instantly dimmed, full of loneliness.
At that moment, I really hurt him.
Such a young child has learned to look at the faces of his parents, how depressed and uncomfortable should he be?
Children who grow up watching their parents' faces grow up from an early age
How bitter is the heart?
I saw such a story on Weibo.
A netizen was a victim of school bullying, because he accidentally stepped on the glasses of his classmates and was slapped by the other party for 6 times.
What a humiliation it is for an adolescent child to be beaten in public!
But he did not dare to resist, did not dare to ask for help, and did not dare to tell his parents what had happened to him.
Because from childhood to adulthood, his parents scolded and yelled at him when they did not go well, and they may not be praised once on the test.
Living under the face of his parents every day, he had expected that his parents would not come forward to support him, so he decided not to say anything.
Silently endure the shame of being bullied, it is better to go to your parents to humiliate yourself.
In reality, there are too many such children.
They are limited by their parents' smiles and every move, and they are afraid of being scolded by their parents, so they only dare to report good news and do not report worry.
Even if they have suffered all kinds of grievances, they are not willing to open their mouths to their parents for comfort or care.
They build a wall of hearts in their hearts, blocking emotional communication with their parents.
In the documentary "Time Me", actor Shu Qi once exposed the shadow of childhood.
She said that her parents had a bad temper and called her all day long, all kinds of disgust.
Gradually, as a child, she learned to observe the color of speech.
If you see that your parents' faces are not right, you know that they are in a bad mood, so you can quickly hide away from them so as not to be scolded.
This life under high pressure filled her heart with infinite worries and fears.
She was terrified even when she heard her father riding a motorcycle back, the sound of the iron door opening the door downstairs, and what her father said to himself.
Even if it is three more in the middle of the night, as long as she perceives that the atmosphere is not right, she will immediately wake up and try her best to hide.
For her, the whole childhood was covered with gray.
Living in the shadow of her parents, she was like a cat hiding in the dark, licking her wounds alone, without half a sense of security.
Professor Li Meijin said: "Children's feelings are often determined by the attitude of their parents. ”
The presence of parents should bring love and warmth to children.
But if you can't move, you can show your face to the child, wantonly vent negative emotions on the child, and use your authority to suppress him.
In the end, the child is obedient and obedient on the surface, and does not dare to cause trouble;
But the reality is that he will swallow all the grievances alone, will unconsciously suppress his emotions, and dare not expose the truth of his heart.
Live carefully and nervously all day.
I am afraid that my parents will not be happy, I am worried that I am not doing well enough, and I live in fear and suffering all day long.
Bad looks of parents
What is ruined is the child's life
Qi Mingyue in the TV series "In the Name of Family" is a beautiful, kind, and well-behaved first-class student.
Obviously, the conditions are so good, but the whole person is always cowering and shrinking, especially unconfident.
At the end of the day, it's her mother's influence.
On the way to send her to school, her mother opened her mouth and closed her mouth because her hatred for her was not steel, and she was "the second oldest of ten thousand years" and was inferior to others.
Ming ming said that he would let her pick the clothes she liked at will, but he was dissatisfied that she always picked the white version, accusing her of not having an opinion.
Under the long-term emotional oppression of her mother, Qi Mingyue lived carefully, did not know how to refuse everything, and was always led by the nose.
Perhaps Qi Mama did not expect that her strict words were fierce and seemed inconspicuous;
But little by little, it deprived her daughter of her freedom of expression, erased her most basic self-perception, and created her inferiority and weakness.
Some time ago I went to visit a friend who had just been discharged from the hospital.
No one could have imagined that the 985 graduate, a good-looking scholar who held an important position in a world-class accounting firm, but at the beginning of this year, he suffered depression and went to the hospital.
While chatting with him, he told such an experience.
In the third grade of elementary school, his parents divorced, and he returned to his hometown with his mother.
In order for him to get ahead, his mother was very strict with him and had high requirements, such as eating several bowls to eat, and no leftovers were allowed.
At that point, you have to write homework, practice, take a shower, and memorize words.
Nothing but study is allowed.
If you are sluggish or resist, it is absolutely indispensable for your mother to curse and bury it.
At a young age, he lived a depressed life, and the inner words that he did not dare to say to his mother were all written in a diary disguised as a mathematical homework.
Unexpectedly, the diary was still discovered, which completely angered my mother:
"Why, I paid so much for you, in exchange for a bunch of complaints from you, and said that I wanted to escape from this home?"
You go, get me out now and see where you can go! ”
That conflict, nakedly tore off his dignity, and from then on he stopped writing a diary and gave up struggling.
Whatever his mother says, he listens to; whatever he asks, he does...
Even school and work are all arranged by their mothers.
But he was always depressed inside, slowly, often insomnia, tinnitus, until finally diagnosed with depression.
Psychologist Susan Foward once pointed out that there is an "emotional blackmail" in false intimate relationships.
The bad face of the parent is a direct or indirect means of blackmail, telling the child:
If you don't do what I ask and don't meet my expectations, you're just not right, not good, and less worthy to be my child.
This kind of false accusation will corrode the child's sense of self-worth over time.
He can sense his parents' emotions, but mistakenly interprets their parents' unhappiness and dissatisfaction as his own fault.
In order to reduce his guilt, he will begin to suppress his true feelings, and he will become accustomed to obedience and pleasing his parents.
Even as an adult, the injuries suffered in childhood are always there, and it is difficult to live out their own value.
That sense of humility and lack will be engraved in his bones and torment his whole life.
All a child needs is to be treated gently
A shanghai home-school interactive platform once did an activity to let children write down the "heart words" that they most want to say to their parents.
Most of the results are "Mom, please don't keep yelling at me", "Dad, you don't always put on a stinky face to kill me", "Mom, I hope you don't scold me in the future"...
Every word in the heart carries the children's greatest expectations for their parents.
They just want their parents to be more gentle and patient.
There is a saying that the face of a parent determines the color of the child's future world.
The child's developmental tendencies depend on the parents' behavior and performance in front of him.
I especially appreciated Xia Donghai's way of educating children in "Family with Children".
No matter what happens in the family or what is wrong with the child, he is always kind, not yelling, and not accusing criticism.
Once, his son Liu Xing was frightened after watching a horror movie, and he couldn't sleep in the middle of the night, which made the whole family restless.
Wife Liu Mei is acute, splitting her head and covering her face is a scolding to her son.
However, while advising everyone to be patient, he stayed behind to accompany Liu Xing and be gentle and soothing.
Thinking that Liu Xing can sleep for one night, who knows or can't get out of the psychological shadow, as soon as he closes his eyes, he will think all kinds of wild thoughts.
Seeing that Liu Xing was so scared that he couldn't stop shivering, he decided to prescribe the right medicine.
First of all, he asked Liu Xing if he blamed everyone for not caring enough about him.
Seeing Liu Xing's denial, he was unwilling to tell too much truth, and he did not press forward step by step, but chose to respect and not to force.
In this way, under his good inducement and patient encouragement, Liu Xing finally defeated himself and got rid of the fear in his heart.
The good looks of parents are the good weather for children.
With gentle love and compassion for children, such parents can bring confidence and energy to the growth of children.
Chen Meiling, a parenting expert who has cultivated three Stanford school bullies, also said in the book:
"Thinking and acting from the child's point of view, parents will be easier, and the communication between parents and children will become more in-depth."
Sometimes the son does not want to eat breakfast, and he wants to go to the park to play, and most parents will become more and more irritable when they hear their children crying, and a lot of pressure will accumulate in their hearts.
But she will change her thinking and adjust her mindset.
Since my son wants to go out and play, he will make sandwiches and rice balls at home before going out.
At the same time, he also told his son: "Oh, just like today, oh special treatment." ”
The result not only satisfies the children, but also makes everyone have a pleasant time.
In this way, children can also feel the love of their parents and trust their parents more.
In the final analysis, most of the child's feelings are determined by the attitude of the parents.
The gentle treatment of parents conveys the most sincere and nourishing love, which is subtly achieving the future of children.
After being a mother for many years, I often lament the influence of my parents on my children.
Many unintentional acts, thinking that they are love for their children, unconsciously rewrite the ending of their children.
What is true love for children?
I would like to quote a passage from psychologist Rogers:
Love is deep understanding and acceptance.
It is possible to talk about the boy or girl you like without worrying about being judged.
It is possible to calmly say that you are bullied and excluded, and do not worry about being questioned that you will not handle interpersonal relationships.
What is not wanted can be rejected; what is wanted, can be insisted.
It can cry bitterly, it can be decadent, it can be angry, it can fail.
It's in front of you, I, can be myself.
Being able to express one's wishes at will is the luck of a child's life.
Being able to communicate with children without reservation and share their true thoughts should also be a lifelong goal for parents.
So, please let go of the self-righteous requirements and standards of parenthood, let go of your emotions, and be gentle with your children.
Only by being cherished and respected can a child live generously, confidently and happily in the future that belongs to him.
Only in his life can he truly taste the sweetness and honey that life gives.