Wen | Cheats Jun
In the past two days, I have watched a book "When You Fly Like a Bird to Your Mountain", which is about the growth of women, and I have deep feelings.
The protagonist of the story is influenced by her parents' belief that schools and hospitals are unclean and dangerous, so she never went to school before the age of 17, never went to the hospital when she was sick and injured, and lived at home on her mother's limited cultural and medical knowledge. Her mentally ill father (who also learned about it later) often panicked because of the hysteria of the "end of the world", and took a few children to dig holes and bury gasoline, stock up on canned fruit, and wait for the end of the world to come.
Isn't it ridiculous to think about it? In such an environment, the author finally completed the transformation through the struggle with the original family and the courage to break through himself. She went to college by self-study, later became a doctor, and finally walked out of the mountains of her hometown.
First, how important is the original family to a person's growth?
First, the limitations of a parent's vision can limit the child's growth and development.
The story of the author Tara in the book is a good example.
Nowadays, family education is widely valued, and the vision of parents actually determines the vision of children.
So, as a parent in an ordinary family, how can we let our children develop freely to the greatest extent and not be limited by their own vision?
The only way to do this is not to set limits on your child. Don't use your life experience to show your child the way, tell your child what to do and what not to do, and respect your child's wild ideas and interests, even if you don't understand.
Because, in the future, an unstable society that increasingly advocates individuality and freedom, only children who are not limited can exert their maximum imagination and creativity.
Let me ask, parents are already very ordinary people, and then use their mediocre outlook on life to guide their children and ask them to follow their own path, won't that only create another ordinary self?
Second, the parents' marriage patterns can also influence the child's perception of marriage.
This includes how the parents work together, how the father's attitude towards the mother, and whether the parents enjoy the marriage.
If the father is the ruler of the family, domineering and domineering, and the mother is a submissive shadow, then the child will most likely be in the family in the future. The daughter will only be obedient to the husband, and the son will be seriously macho.
If parents do not enjoy their own pleasures as parents and only think that raising children is a troublesome thing, then when the children grow up, they will most likely not have expectations for having children and raising children, and may choose infertility.
As a child, it is easy to complain about your parents after realizing the limitations that your original family brings to you. But only by trying to reconcile can we get rid of the debt in our hearts.
Second, how to reconcile with the original family?
First, you have to realize that the trauma you experienced from your original family can be walked out, if you want.
The psychologist Adler once said: "The experience itself, especially the so-called traumatic experience, does not hurt us, but we extract from it and explain it that is appropriate for our purpose." "We want to give meaning to past experiences and then decide for ourselves what kind of person we want to be... The environment does not determine the meaning of things, but the meaning we give to the environment can determine who we are."
It sounds a bit awkward, but in plain language: it's not what you go through that makes you who you are, it's your perception of it that determines what kind of person you'll grow into.
For example, if the father in a family is very grumpy, scolding the family, there are two children in the family, one child thinks that the father is like this, the head of the family is like this, what can I do, so when he grows up, he also becomes a grumpy man; and the other child feels that the father is too terrible, I am determined not to become such a person, I must be gentle to my family, so when I grow up, he becomes a gentle person, extremely gentle and considerate to the family.
Why does the same family environment create two different children? In fact, it is just because the two children have different views on the fact that "the father's temper is very bad".
In the same way, children whose original families are very bad, when they grow up, find that they are branded with the "shadow" of their parents on the road to growth, and even when they linger for a long time, they will feel resentful, and even once hate their own "native family", thinking that their parents ruined their lives. But in fact, as an adult, you can save yourself in the face of such trauma.
The first step in self-help is to first realize the limitations that the original family brings to you, admit it and then move forward, and don't be trapped in the accusations against the original family all the time.
You know, the parents' practices are likely to be influenced by their original families, and they are likely to carry the imprint of their parents without knowing it, and then they do those things that hurt themselves.
If you carry these injuries all the time, it is too heavy. It is better to let go and live lightly.
But if the parents in the original family hurt themselves too much, they can't always forgive, what should they do?
The author's remarks on Oprah's show may give you the answer:
"You can love someone but still choose to say goodbye to him; you can miss someone but still be glad he's not in your life."
In other words, you can love your parents very much, but still choose to keep your distance from them, or simply cut the table and stop contacting them, so that they will most likely not affect you all the time.
Senior nursery, psychological counselor. Understand the parenting and psychology, but also pay attention to the self-growth and family management of baoma, and strive to be the intimate person of mothers.
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