Parents are able to control themselves not to lose their temper, which is a good role model for children to educate.
To be a good parent, love is not enough. Emotional intelligence EQ is from the beginning of the processing of emotions, sometimes the baby's emotions are difficult to engage, the following summary is worth learning from parents.
Before reading this article, test your emotional reaction to your child.
When your child is in an emotional mood, your reaction is often —
A
●"Don't cry, Mom took you to buy ice cream to eat." ”
● "Come, Daddy take you to the zoo, don't lose your temper anymore!" ”
● "You're like this, I won't let you go out!" ”
B
● "Do you look like a boy?" What a shame! ”
● "If you argue again, I'll beat you!" ”
● "You have done something wrong yourself and are still playing with your temper and want to be beaten?" ”
C
● "Go back to your room and come out when you're out of breath!" ”
● "If you love to cry, you can cry enough!" Cry enough to come back to me. ”
D
● (Ignoring the child's emotional reactions and nagging non-stop)
"People will always encounter unsatisfactory things." When your mother was your age, she would already take care of herself. Think about it, how much effort Mom and Dad have put into you..."
★ Category A – "Exchanged" parents
You think that negative emotions are harmful, so whenever the child has a feeling of sadness, you try to "mend" the world, but ignore that what the child needs more is understanding and comfort.
After seeing these reactions of parents, children will doubt themselves: "Since this is not a big deal, why do I feel so bad?" "The more times, the child will become less confident and easily generate a lot of pressure emotionally.
★ Category B – "Punishing" parents
Children are often reprimanded, reprimanded, or punished by you for expressing grief, anger, and fear. You think that this will not "get used to" the bad temper of the child, or will make the child stronger.
Expressing one's emotions can lead to shame, abandonment, pain, and abuse. Therefore, for negative emotions children are hateful and helpless. When faced with life's challenges when they grow up, children will seem overwhelmed.
★ Class C – "Apathetic" parents
You accept the child's negative emotions, neither deny nor scold, but "do not interfere", let the child find a way to vent or calm down.
Because without the positive guidance of parents, an angry child may become aggressive and vent in ways that hurt others; a sad child will cry freely and for a long time, not knowing how to comfort himself and relieve himself.
★ Category D – "didactic" parents
You think that as long as the child understands the truth, the negative emotions will disappear, so you are keen to talk about reasoning endlessly.
At this time, the child feels lonely and helpless, as if he is in a black hole, and has to face the pain caused by negative emotions alone. And the incessant discipline of his parents only made him more bitter.
The above four are traditional ways to deal with children's emotions, which are obviously not conducive to the cultivation of children's emotional intelligence.
The best way to deal with it is the EQ type
EQ parents are good at feeling their children's emotions. When they see children crying, they can put themselves in the child's shoes and imagine the child's situation, and they can feel the child's grief; when they see the child angry, they can also feel the child's frustration and anger.
Because of the acceptance and sharing of parents, children feel that they have reliable support around them, so they have more confidence to learn how to deal with the problems they face.
The processing techniques for EQ parents are divided into 4 steps:
1. Affirmation
How to do this: Get straight to the point about the emotions you see on your child's face.
For example: "Baby, I saw you very sad and told me what happened?" Or, "You don't look very happy, what makes you angry?" As the first step in dealing with emotions, the meaning of "affirmation" is to express to the child: "I noticed that you have this emotion, and I accept that you have this emotion." ”
Parents must understand —
◆ Like everyone else, children's emotions are for a reason.
◆ For children, those reasons are very important. Try to change to your child's point of view, you will be more receptive to your child's emotions.
Special reminder: No matter how your child responds to you, you should let your child know that you respect and fully accept his feelings.
2. Share
Principle: Deal with emotions first, deal with things later.
Specific practice: Help your child capture their inner emotions.
Children do not know much about emotions, and there is not enough and appropriate text to describe emotions, and it is difficult for them to correctly express their inner feelings. You can provide emotional vocabulary to help your child translate that invisible feeling of panic and discomfort into defined, bounded emotional categories that portray their inner feelings at the time.
For example: "That makes you feel worried, right?" Or, "You feel wronged and angry, don't you?" ”
The more precisely children can express their feelings in words, the more they will be able to master the ability to process emotions. For example, when a child is angry, he may also feel disappointed, angry, confused, jealous, etc.; when he feels sad, he may also feel hurt, rejected, empty, depressed, and so on. Recognizing the presence of these emotions makes it easier for children to understand and deal with what they are facing.
◆ If your child is anxious to say what happened, what began and what happened, who is right and who is wrong, you can use speech to bring your child back to the emotional part. For example:
"It turns out that these are the ones that make you so unhappy. Come, first tell me how you feel in your heart."
"Oh, no wonder you reacted like this!" What do you think in your heart now? ”
◆ The child needs some time to express his feelings. Be patient, and when your child is struggling to speak out, don't interrupt him and encourage him to continue.
When your child has enough emotional expression, you will find that your child's facial expressions, body language, speaking speed, tone, volume and tone become soothing.
◆ After the child's emotions have calmed down a little, you can continue to guide him to say the details of the matter.
3. Set a model
Setting a norm refers to setting a norm for the child's behavior, that is, drawing a clear range, the inside is understandable or acceptable, and the outside is inappropriate and unacceptable.
For example, after your child hits someone, scolds someone, or drops a toy after being frustrated, after understanding the emotions behind these behaviors and helping him describe his feelings, you should make your child understand that some behaviors are inappropriate and are not tolerated.
Example: "You're angry that Liang Liang took your console, and Mom understands how you feel." But you hit him wrong. You think, you beat him, and now he wants to hit you, and you two can't be friends anymore, right? ”
For children under the age of 6, there is no need to explain the reason for the "wrong" in depth, unless he asks the question.
It is important for the child to understand that his feelings are not the problem, and that bad words and deeds are the key to the problem. All feelings and expectations are acceptable, but not all actions are acceptable.
4. Planning
Every experience in life will allow us to learn something that will make us more effective in creating a successful and happy future. People who do not understand this truth always complain that life is not satisfactory everywhere. People who understand this truth are constantly improving, enjoying life, cheerful and confident.
When the child is very young, he should be taught to understand this truth, and after the above three stages of affirmation, sharing, and setting a model, now is the right time.
At this point, the child has realized: Now that I know why I feel bad, and I know where the problems that cause these uncomfortable feelings are, how should I deal with them? Next, you can guide your child to find more appropriate ways to deal with negative emotions.
◆ Ask your child what he wants. For example, game consoles are not taken away by others; there is also the opportunity to sit in the front seat of the car.
◆ Discuss problem-solving methods with your child. Guide him to think of his own ways, help him make the best choices, and encourage him to solve problems on his own.
For example: "If you start over, can you think of any other way than to hit him?" ”
"What would be better the next time the same happens?"
◆ Discuss with your child: What precautions can be taken to avoid the same unsatisfactory situation.
For example: "When Liang Liang came over just now, what did you say to him, and he wouldn't take your console?" ”
"How many ways can you come up with to prevent someone from taking your console away when you're away?"
◆ If necessary, you may wish to participate in a cheerful and pleasant attitude and solve problems with your child.
3 special times when your child is emotionally abnormal
1. Please be unreasonable when the child is unreasonable
When a child cries over unreasonable demands that have not been met, you must not change your position because of softness.
You can walk over and say in a soft, sympathetic tone, "Are you unhappy?" Seeing you like this, my heart is not comfortable. Just like that shared his emotions. At first, the child may refuse your care, and you can walk away and come back a while and still talk to him in the same way. Show your child in this way that your stance on things is firm, but emotionally, you are willing to share it with him because you understand and care about his feelings. Even, you can tell the child that he is not happy, and you are sad, because you are very sad for him. But his request was unreasonable and could not be acclaimed.
In this way, you can slowly change your child's emotional patterns so that he gradually learns to deal with the same situation in a more effective way.
2. Please break up with a loved one
If the beloved toy is accidentally broken, damaged or lost, the child will inevitably cry and be sad, which is also the best time to educate him emotionally.
Small children are unaware of the value of time and money. A toy that only cost a few dollars to buy back, may be his favorite, and once broken, his sadness is no less than the feeling of an adult suddenly losing something worth tens of thousands of dollars.
However, adults often do not understand this, and say to the crying children: "If it is broken, it is broken, and it is not worth much." Don't cry, Daddy will buy you another one tomorrow. "The result is often that the child cries more sadly, because he feels that his parents do not understand his inner pain at all."
Since the child cries for a broken toy, it means that the value of the toy is so great for him that he should cry for the loss of it. Parents should affirm and accept his emotions: "I see you so sad, it must be because you like this toy so much." 」 Come, sit next to me and tell me how you feel right now. ”
After guiding the child to express his inner emotional feelings, he should be given some necessary explanations to help him understand the following truths:
★ All the good things in the world, there is always a day to be separated.
★ Therefore, when you are with it, you should treat it well, enjoy the benefits it brings to yourself, and cherish the fun with it.
★ After it leaves, keep the good memories and let it accompany you in your heart to live every day after that.
3, when you are angry
Sometimes, the child is really naughty and makes you angry. If you don't control it in time, you may reprimand the child without saying a word, or even beat him up. As a result, not only does it destroy the parent-child relationship, but it can also leave trauma on the child's young mind.
The most effective way to detect signs of anger is to let the family take the child away, or leave the "place of the incident" on their own, and then,
◆ Take more than 10 deep and long breaths;
◆ Go out for a walk for 10 minutes;
◆ Say to yourself, "I will stay calm," and then think back to when you used to be calm, or reminisce about a time of relaxation and happiness.
Parents can control themselves not to lose their temper, which is a good example education for children. You can also teach this calm technique to your child, so that he learns to be the master of emotions from an early age.