I saw a help post, written by a mother, she said, "As a mother, why do I compete with my children to win or lose?" ”
The mom says that sometimes asking children to do something simple, he doesn't want to. As a mother, she feels that it is right to do so, and she especially wants her children to do what she asks.
The more she thought so, the more the child rebelled. The more the child resists, the more she wants to fight with the child.
Eventually the child may choose something more difficult, but is not willing to listen to her.
The mother said that sometimes she would be uncontrollable, and she would use anger to suppress the child and let the child obey her arrangement.
Mother is very puzzled, as an adult, a mother, why would she raise the bar with the child, compete, win or lose?
Seeing this post, I first thought of a mother in the second treasure class, I called her Ying zi mother, Ying Zi's mother's distress, and the question of the mother is very similar.
Ying Zi's mother frequently sighed this semester that the child is older, and it is not as good as before.
I asked her what was wrong and she said she was always having trouble with her kids because of her homework.
Her request to Hideko is that when she comes home from school, she can simply take a break, eat something, and then start writing her homework, and after writing her homework, she can watch TV, play on her mobile phone, or read a book, or go out to play.
She emphasizes that Hideko's homework is grinding and procrastinating, and that whatever she says, she will write until ten o'clock in the evening. Sleep too late, naturally can't get up in the morning.
Last semester, ok, Hideko can listen to her mother most of the time, write her homework almost before playing. This semester will not work, my mother will not urge, she will not write homework. When she was in a hurry, she was anxious with her mother.
Ying Zi was in a hurry, and her mother was even more angry, scolding Ying Zi a few times and hitting a few times was a common thing.
The number of scoldings increased, and Hideko began to behave inappropriately.
"Are you going to hit me again, you hit me?" Eiko sometimes provokes her mother.
This naturally made my mother even more angry. She was very helpless and confused, isn't it good to finish her homework early and play without burden, why doesn't the child listen to her arrangement?
I really don't mention the homework mother's filial piety, a mention of the homework chicken flying dog jump.
As a person who came over, I advised Ying Zi's mother to open a point, the child is only in the first grade, although the homework is important, but don't be too anxious, otherwise you can't live with your body.
After all, the child's way to study is still long, and the movement is too big at the beginning, how to end it later.
In the matter of writing homework, most parents have a good intention, that is, let their children finish their homework first, and then play happily.
Really executed, children often can't take the initiative to write homework, they love to play by nature, and always play enough to remember that there is still homework to write.
So the parents couldn't help but start urging.
The problem is that children grow up, they have strong self-esteem, they don't like to be urged by their parents, and they want to arrange their own time.
But they didn't arrange it well, so their parents couldn't see it and had to urge.
As a result, there is a contradiction between parents and children.
Whether it is the mother who asks for help, or the mother of Ying Zi, they compete with the child, and the child wins and loses, they do not realize this, although they are for the sake of the child, but what they show is the control of the child, that is, the child must come according to their requirements.
Many parents think that one of their ideas or plans is for the sake of their children and for the good of their children, so why don't children obey and do it?
To borrow from psychologist Rudolf Drakes, we can only try to motivate our children to improve their behavior, and sometimes even if we do it right, we may not succeed. Usually, it is the child who decides for himself what to do.
Parents want their children to finish their homework before playing, but their children want to play enough before writing homework.
Parents blame their children for not having goals and not knowing how to prioritize. In fact, they don't understand that many children naturally have to live in the moment and enjoy the life of the moment.
They seize all the time to do what they want to do, after school, they will run a few laps with their friends, or go home to eat something and watch TV for a while to relieve the fatigue of studying.
Don't they know to write homework? Nature knows.
Don't they know that they will be criticized by the teacher if they can't finish their homework? Nature also knows.
They just don't like to be controlled by their parents, they don't like to obey the life, they want to speak, they want to arrange their own life.
Some parents will say that children are children after all, and many times they are not well arranged.
Yes, that's why parents are trying to persuade their children to write their homework early.
I suggest that Ying Zi's mother, let go of the urge, let go of the obsession of control, talk to the child well, and let the child arrange the time for homework and play.
Simply issuing instructions to children and spying on them is not really education.
Parents let go of the desire to control, truly respect the child, believe in the child, the child can become more and more conscious, grow more and more healthy.
Of course, don't expect that as soon as you let go of your child's control, your child will be able to manage himself immediately, which will take time.
Parents are the custodians of their children, they are their closest people, parent-child relationship is not enemy or enemy relationship, there is no need to win or lose.
When we have an argument with our children and are bent on winning or losing, we may wish to stop and think about why things have become the way they are, whether they are trying to solve the problems that exist in the moment, or whether they are too coercive.
Thinking about this clearly, maybe we can calm down, let go of control, improve the relationship with the child, and think about how to solve the problem.