Every day in the morning and evening delivery time, the teacher will talk to the child's parents about the child's recent situation, good and bad said, when the parents hear bad, the parents turn their heads to criticize the child, and apologize to the teacher that it is troublesome for the teacher, when the parent hears the good, turn his head and say to the child "Look, the teacher said you are great today", whether it is the parents or grandparents who praise the child, the most used is the sentence "You are awesome".
Many parents will say, isn't it popular to educate positively, ask parents to praise their children more, you see, that's what we do. But is it really useful for parents to praise their children like this?
First, how do parents usually praise their children now?
1. Use "you're awesome" to praise your child in abstract language.
I believe that the parents' favorite sentence is "you are awesome", do not need to consider, see the child's progress and achievements, parents open their mouths to say this sentence, and even without any emotion to say it casually. The end result is that the child simply does not understand which of his own actions is praised.
2. Material rewards to praise children.
Now that the family's economic conditions are better, parents have become accustomed to praising their children with material rewards. The child finishes the meal, rewards a piece of sugar, the child finishes the homework, rewards a new toy, the child will develop to do anything need to talk about certain conditions to be willing to do, everything must talk about conditions, let the child stay on the material reward, ignore other forms of praise.
3. Parents do not consider the actual situation but praise their children with utilitarianism.
Some parents do not start from the actual situation of the child, praise the child purely just want the child to achieve a certain goal, such as parents want to let the child to help themselves do some housework, just say that the child is a person who loves to work, at first the child will do housework because of the parents' praise, but after repeated many times, the child will understand that the reason why the parents praise themselves will only want to do housework, not to praise themselves sincerely, not to praise themselves from the heart.
4. Parents only praise their children's IQ and ignore their ability.
Progress requires children's intelligence and efforts, but parents just habitually praise children's intelligence, ignore the efforts made by children, let children ignore the role of effort, and knowledge simply relies on wisdom to learn, just as we often say that children's "little smart", if children always rely on "small smart", then the results can be imagined.
Now parents know that they should give their children more encouragement and praise, but in the way and method of praising children, they still stay in the simplest form, simply telling children "you are awesome", "you are so smart" and "you are really capable", but the effect of such praise of children not only can not motivate children, but will be counterproductive.
Second, if these praise methods are improper, what problems are easy to bring to children?
1. Abstract and non-concrete praise will affect the child's objective judgment.
If parents always use abstract and non-specific praise for the child, do not specifically tell the child which behavior to praise, the child does not know where he is right, can not correctly understand his own behavior, then the child's behavior this time is right, the next time may not be right, which is not conducive to the child's judgment training.
2. Inappropriate compliments can lead children to set up the wrong values.
Parents always praise their children in a conditional way, children will talk about the conditions before anything, once the parents can not meet the conditions of the child, the child will refuse to do what the parents expect, the shape of success and self-interest, thinking that everything can be measured by money and interests, is not conducive to the cultivation of values.
3. Purposeful praise will make children repulsive.
Such a way of praise is easy to make children have a repulsive psychology, every child's heart has a rebel, like to do with the parents, if the child knows that the parents praise themselves just to control themselves, to achieve a certain purpose of the parents, then the rebels in the child's heart will be activated, the more parents think that the right thing, the more the child does not do, the more the parent thinks that the wrong thing, the more the child likes to do, resulting in parent-child tension, is not conducive to family harmony, the child's growth.
4. Inappropriate praise will improve the child's ability.
If parents only tell their children that "you are really smart", the children will think that the progress and achievements they have made are the results of their own intelligence, not their own efforts, and the children will become dependent on "little wisdom" to learn and do things, so that the child's ability will not only not be improved, but will be more and more regressive. Children will fight for their own "little cleverness", unwilling to make efforts, and will stagnate for a long time.
Parents want to praise the child, let the child maintain a certain good habit or continue to make progress in academics, but inappropriately praising the child not only does not get such an effect, it is bound to cause the child's disgust and rejection, and the parents are opposed. If the way of praising it inappropriately can have such a negative impact, how can parents correctly praise their children?
Third, how should parents properly praise their children?
1. Praise your child in specific and accurate language.
Praise and strengthen the specific behaviors and habits that are good for the child, help the child strengthen the memory, and deepen the positive reinforcement of the behavior and habit. For example, my daughter got up immediately after a fall, so I told her: "Baby, you are a brave and strong child, you can stand up on your own when you fall", after the child receives positive encouragement, in the future, when encountering similar situations, he will gradually develop the cognition of "standing up by yourself when you fall".
2. Use forms other than substances to praise children.
Now many parents like to use the form of material to encourage and motivate children to complete a specific task or a good way of behavior, but material rewards as an external stimulus means, this form has greater limitations and defects, it is easy for children to develop dependence, and when material incentives can not match the child's inner expectations, it will often have a role. Therefore, using more ways other than material, a hug, a kiss, often has an unexpected effect than material rewards.
3. Praise your child with rhetorical questions.
Use the rhetorical questioning method to deepen the understanding of the child's behavior, habits, etc. by asking reverse questions. If the baby completes a paper cut, parents can ask: Baby you are awesome, how did you complete it? Guide children to think about and strengthen this behavior habit again, deepen the understanding that this behavior habit is "right" and "good", and continue to accumulate and strengthen in future life and learning.
4. Establish a correct view of learning for children.
When the child's cognitive level reaches a certain level, you can guide and educate the child, tell him that your good behavior, the acquisition and cultivation of habits, not to get the praise and envy of parents, teachers, and classmates, but to learn more and better things as a habit, in order to better live with friends and family, so that more people like you and love you.
Good, correct "praise" is a "lubricant" that can accelerate the formation of good behavior habits in children, but the wrong way of use may have a counterproductive effect, especially when praising children.
Fourth, parents should pay attention to the problems when praising their children
1. Rationally praise the child, do not exaggerate the child's behavior.
Sweet words are like honey, when flushing water to take attention to the temperature of the water, the fire is large not only can not play a role in lowering the fire, but also will cause fire. Praising children is the same reason, the child can not do well without praise, but also can not exaggerate the child's advantages, easy to let children be complacent because of small achievements, stop working.
2. Praise the child with heart, not perfunctory.
The child is more sensitive and serious than you think, when he has made great efforts to complete a task, he plucked up the courage to come to you and tell you that in fact, he wants to get the recognition and encouragement of the parents, the parents' perfunctory, coping praise and response, will undoubtedly deeply dampen the enthusiasm of the child, "anyway, I work so hard to do you do not look", the formation of this psychology is harmful to the child and not beneficial.
3. Praise the child reasonably, do not use it at will.
Everything has two sides, and the more praise is used, the cheaper the daily consumables, rather than the precious collection. Parents can not be stingy with your praise, but also can not be like the flood of the broken embankment, everything is praised, when the praise, in such an environment of children growing up is fragile inside, can not withstand setbacks and adversity, life where there is "praise" so smooth.
It is not easy to raise treasure children, and it is even more difficult to cultivate children into talents. Accompanying the growth of children is nothing more than the word "intentions", parents reasonably praise children, let children feel the care and affirmation of parents, let children feel the understanding and support of parents, let children feel the deep love of parents, children will become more hard, become better and stronger themselves.
【Transferred from: Sohu Original - Haitao Daddy Parenting】
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