Not long ago, there was a violent injury incident of primary school students in Guangzhou. Student Lu Moumou was beaten by his classmate Lin Moumou and seriously stabbed with a pencil, resulting in more than twenty wounds on his body and almost poking his eyes.
When I saw photos of my child injured on the Internet, I couldn't help but feel heartache and horror. Why would Lin Mou be so cruel to hurt his classmates at such a young age? According to other students, he also bullied other classmates from time to time.
The school's incident report pointed out that Lin did not listen to the command when he was at home, was prone to anger and impulsiveness, and also bullied his sister, and his father had beaten the child. Lin was diagnosed with ADHD.
Lin himself has behavioral and emotional defects due to ADHD, resulting in abnormal behavior. However, in family education, parents do not carry out good parenting and guidance, nor do they use professional treatment and psychological intervention, but instead carry out simple and rude "education" through violent means.
"Stick education" is still a common education method used by some parents. However, domestic violence is extremely harmful to children's growth, and correct and scientific family education can effectively correct children's bad behavior habits and cultivate good moral character.
Some time ago, the draft Family Education Law was submitted to the Standing Committee of the National People's Congress for deliberation, which made two points clear: Family education must not have any form of domestic violence; when necessary, the state may intervene in family education.
In the process of children's growth, family education plays a key decisive role, and parents are the main responsible persons for family education. In addition to providing their children with the necessary survival satisfaction, parents have an important impact on their children's emotional patterns, behavioral habits and personality formation.
01
Parenting style
Impact on children's growth
The development of children's behavioral habits is deeply influenced by the way families are raised. Generally speaking, different parents will adopt different family parenting methods to educate their children, and different parenting methods affect children's personality formation and behavior patterns.
Psychologist Baumlind put forward a theory of parenting style: the main difference between different parenting styles lies in the two dimensions of love and rules. She uses "meeting needs" and "insisting on demands" to represent love and rules. According to the strength and weakness of these two dimensions, there are four parenting styles:
Authoritative type: Parents have strict rules for the parenting of their children, put forward reasonable requirements on the basis of respect and understanding of children, and impose reasonable and appropriate restrictions on behavior. And can listen to the child's opinions, respond in a timely manner, give a certain degree of freedom and autonomy, and meet the reasonable needs of the child. This parenting style allows children to have self-confidence and self-control, and an optimistic and positive personality.
Authoritarian: Parents and children are in an unequal position, and parents demand that children obey themselves unconditionally, not resist, and have no right and freedom to express themselves. If the child has different opinions or disobeys the requirements, parents are often prone to use scolding to suppress it. Under this kind of upbringing, children will be more obedient and disciplined on the surface, and they are prone to show timidity, withdrawal, and lack of self-confidence in behavior.
Indulgent type: This kind of parent has full love and expectation for the child, meets all the requirements of the child, but does not put forward certain rules and requirements for the child, and does not control and discipline the child's behavior, which can be said to be a state of coddling and laissez-faire. Children who grow up in this parenting style will behave immature, selfish, have poor self-control, are easily dependent on their parents, and lack independent ability, perseverance and responsibility.
Neglect type: This type of parent neither cares nor controls and disciplines the child, often only provides the necessary living materials, does not pay attention to or meet the child's spiritual and emotional needs, and the two sides lack interaction and communication. Children are prone to maladaptive disorders, lack of self-control, apathetic and aggressive relationships, and bad behavior problems.
In general, the authoritative type is the most beneficial way of parenting, which can carry out certain restraint and discipline on the basis of respecting the child's freedom, which helps the child to develop good behavior habits. The other three types of parenting have their own shortcomings, or excessive control, or unprincipled coddling, or excessive laissez-faire, lack of discipline, are not conducive to the growth of children.
Teacher Li Meijin, an expert in criminal psychology, once pointed out that in the criminal population, defective personality is a common personality disorder, which is to be overly spoiled by unprincipled in family life, forming a self-centered way of thinking and arbitrary impulsive behavior habits, also known as doting personality disorder. This is the consequence of inappropriate parenting.
02
Parents teach by example
Shape your child's behavior patterns
In family life, parents are the main and direct object of observation and learning of children. Parents' daily behavior and interpersonal interaction reactions are all demonstrating to children how to act, and they are also cultivating children's behavior habits.
American behaviorist psychologist Bandura believes that human behavior, especially human complex behavior, is mainly acquired. He proposed the "theory of social learning": a series of cognitions and behaviors that people acquire by observing the behaviors of others and their results.
Bandura once did a famous sex doll experiment:
The experimenters first asked the children to watch videos of adults attacking sex dolls. Then, a group of children saw that this adult was rewarded, that is, the experimenter praised him as a hero. Another group of children saw the adult punished, i.e., the experimenter criticized him.
After that, the children were taken into the room with sex dolls and told that they could play freely, while the experimenters came out and hid behind the one-way glass for observation.
Experimental results show that children learn to imitate during the experiment, that is, to imitate the behavior of adults. Children attack sex dolls when they encounter obstacles in the room, and the second group of children are significantly less inclined to attack sex dolls than the first group.
Like Lin Moumou, who hurt his classmates in the previous article, when there was an attack and violence at home, his father also used violence to treat him. This not only does not solve his problems, but will have a reinforcing effect, aggravating his resistance and rebellious psychology, while also observing and imitating his father's violent behavior.
When he has a conflict with other classmates at school, he will naturally use the same pattern to solve the problem, that is, to use violence. Especially in the face of classmates who are weaker than him, just as the strong father at home uses violence against the weak him.
03
Family
Train your child's emotional intelligence development
Many parents tend to focus too much on their children's intellectual performance and neglect the cultivation of emotional intelligence. Many children cause social conflicts due to insufficient emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence expert Daniel Gorman believes that emotional intelligence is the key to success in life.
Emotional intelligence consists of five aspects: self-awareness, emotion control, self-motivation, cognition of other people's emotions, and handling interpersonal relationships, which can be improved through training and learning, and family education plays a key role.
The cultivation of self-awareness, the identification and management of emotions, the stimulation of self-initiative, and the skills of interpersonal relationships can all be cultivated through family education, and also need the attention and investment of parents.
Whether it's specialized training or daily demonstration and subtle influence, parents play an important role. In the face of stress events, what kind of emotional reactions do parents have, whether they can control excessive excitement and vent negative emotions, or can they quickly control their emotions and make rational responses? These are all teaching children how to manage their emotions.
The ability to control emotions is particularly important in children's daily lives and social activities.
When children engage in social activities with other classmates in school, they often cause negative emotions due to some things. At this time, how children understand the occurrence of emotions, how to manage emotions, and what kind of behavioral reactions there are actually the embodiment of the behavior and education of parents at home.
04
Acts of violence
Psychological harm to children
Both domestic violence and school bullying are acts of violence, and this kind of harm includes physical injury and emotional abuse, and the physical and mental harm to children is enormous.
When a child behaves badly or disobeys the parent's orders, parents who are accustomed to controlling their children will become accustomed to forcing their children to change their behavior and comply with their demands through simple and rough scolding, while suppressing their children's freedom and right to express themselves.
When the violence is committed on the child, the child's body suffers damage, and psychological trauma will be formed. For example, negative emotions, insecurity and fear of interpersonal relationships, negative cognition of oneself, lack of self-worth cognition, self-doubt and denial, and so on.
If the negative emotions in the child's heart cannot be reasonably channeled and not seen, they will turn to self-aggression inward or attack other objects outside the family. Through the acquisition of patterns of violence by parents, it is easier to produce self-aggression and external aggression.
If the violence is committed on the child's family members, such as the father's abusive mother, the child who witnesses the violent act will also have psychological trauma and affect the formation of personality, such as a sense of fear of intimate relationships, becoming timid and cowardly. The breakdown of the parents' marital relationship caused by domestic violence will also affect the child's mental development, living conditions and dependence patterns.
At the same time, children will form a misconception that interpersonal conflicts can only be resolved by violence, and acquire violent patterns, which may be perpetuated in future intimate relationships, or more applied in external social interactions. Many of the violent acts that occur in school bullying, the perpetrators are actually victims of domestic violence, and have been beaten and scolded by parents.
05
How to properly raise children
1. Adopt an authoritative parenting approach
Parents should first respect their children, give enough love and care, and on this basis, formulate correct and reasonable rules of behavior for their children, pay attention to their children's behavior, respond in time, and control the emergence of bad behavior. At the same time, it is necessary to listen to the child's ideas and give the child a certain amount of freedom to develop personality.
2. Reduce violence and develop good behavior habits
When disciplining children, if parents can reduce violent means, adopt a positive and gentle way to treat children, and appropriately use the reinforcement methods in behaviorist psychology, give positive reinforcement of encouragement to children's good behavior, and eliminate bad behaviors with negative reinforcement that does not pay attention to and encourage, they can help children develop good behavior habit patterns.
3. Develop emotional management skills
Parents should pay attention to their children's emotional performance, not only to allow children to express emotions, but also to rationally channel excessively intense negative emotional reactions.
Understand the reasons for the occurrence of children's emotions through communication, understand children's emotions in an empathetic way, and teach children to be aware of their emotions, express and vent in a reasonable way, and avoid violent ways to vent.
4. Pay attention to your child's performance and avoid bullying in school
Parents usually need to pay more attention to their children's behavior, pay more attention to their children's situation at school, and actively communicate with their children. It is necessary to help children to carry out positive socialization, that is, to learn to establish good interpersonal relationships, reasonably deal with conflicts and conflicts with classmates, better integrate into the group, and discipline and correct bad behavior in a timely manner. Let children not only be the perpetrators of school bullying, but also avoid being bullied.
Love and tolerance are the soil for children's healthy growth, and violence can only bear the evil consequences of violence. Give your child enough love and tolerance, he will give back to his parents and society more kindness and beauty.
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