In a virtuous attachment cycle, there is a link in which the child expresses his needs.
But in fact, relatively young children, often can not distinguish their feelings, he can only feel that his whole body is very nervous, very uncomfortable, but whether it is because of anger and feel uncomfortable, or because of fear to feel uncomfortable, he himself can not distinguish clearly, but also can not say clearly.
Some people may say that the child can't say his feelings clearly because his language skills are not enough, right? In fact, this is only one aspect, on the other hand, this is also related to the child's level of self-awareness development.
As we said in the previous lessons, the first few months of a child's birth are in the monistic relationship stage, when he feels that the whole world is only himself, and he does not know what kind of state he exists in this world, that is, he is not self-aware. Then if a child does not know what kind of existence he is, let alone understand his emotional feelings and needs.
There's a very famous psychological experiment about when a child develops self-awareness, called the dot red experiment. You can find a video of this experiment online.
The process goes something like this: The researchers looked for 88 babies between the ages of 3 and 24 months. The babies then, unaware, put a red dot on their noses, and then the researchers asked the babies to look in the mirror.
That's for us adults, when we see ourselves in the mirror, there is actually a red dot on the nose, we must wipe it, see what it is, can we wipe it off. Then the reaction to all this, there is a premise, that is, we can know that the person in the mirror is ourselves, right? This is based on the development of self-awareness.
So let's see how the babies react when they look in the mirror. Babies younger than 20 months old, when they look in the mirror, they will think that the person in the mirror is moving around, which is very interesting, but they do not know that the person in the mirror is themselves.
Babies 20-24 months old are different, they can clearly realize that they have a red dot on their nose when they look in the mirror, and they will immediately touch it with their hands. Through this experiment, we know that a child basically does not develop self-awareness until about the age of 2.
After this, self-awareness still needs a long development process, a child only recognizes his own existence, his own body movements are far from enough, he must also be able to accurately recognize his various emotional feelings.
In this process, parents need to help their children undertake an important psychological function, that is, mirror reflection.
What is mirror reflection? That is, parents should be like a mirror to reflect the child's emotional feelings so that the child can see clearly. This requires parents to have the ability to empathize and empathize with their children.
For example, in the variety show "Where Does Daddy Go", Liu Ruihong is a model father who can empathize and respond to children's emotions. At that time, there was a link in the program that Liu Ruihong took his daughter Xiao Puff to find a house arranged for them by the program team in the village. The road in the village itself was not very easy to walk, and the weather was hot that day, so after not walking for a while, the little puff was impatient and said to her father: "I don't like to go downhill." ”
Then you can think about how you would respond if it were you and the child said such a thing to you. Some people will say to their children: "Well, hold on a little longer"; some people will say to their children: "Before you take a few steps, you start complaining, how can you not eat any bitterness" and so on.
So how did Liu Qihong respond to his daughter? He said to his daughter, "Oh, you don't like to go downhill." You're tired and hungry, aren't you? When we got to the room, we had something to eat, and it was in the room. So what is the result of such a response? As a result, the little puff calmed down and continued to follow her father forward.
Let's analyze what Liu Ruihong said to Little Puff, when Little Puff said I don't like to go downhill, in fact, Little Puff felt uncomfortable. What about Liu Qihong, he received the uncomfortable feeling of the little puff, and helped the little puff to identify, such an uncomfortable, because you feel tired and hungry.
And this uncomfortable feeling, we have a way to solve, when we get to the room, we have something to eat, we can rest. Such a process will make little puff feel that her needs are reasonable and acceptable, and she also knows that such an uncomfortable feeling is called tired and hungry, and this is the mirror reflection.
If we refine it, we can divide the mirror reflection process into 5 steps.
The first step is for parents to first identify the emotions and intentions in the child's heart.
For example, if a child cries, the parents must first be able to identify whether the child is crying because he is hungry because he wants to eat, or because he can't find a toy, and he is very irritable and crying? Although the child is crying, the reason may be different each time.
The second step is for parents to confirm such an emotion in their own minds
Simply put, parents can empathize, and in general, safe attachment parents can do this, and he can empathize emotionally with their children.
The third step is that when parents feel the child's emotions and intentions, they can help the child mark this feeling through feedback.
For example, if a parent knows that the child is crying because he can't find the toy and is very irritable, then he can say to the child: "You feel very irritable because you didn't find the toy, is that right?" Then Mom can help you find it together. In this way, help the child to mark the feeling at that time, the child will know that the original feeling is called "irritability", then in the time of irritability, I can let the mother to help me.
The fourth step, equivalent to a chain reaction of the third step, when parents ask their children, they are actually helping their children to confirm and express their emotions.
Sometimes, the child may feel understood, cry and nod, then sometimes the parents do not recognize the child's true emotions and intentions, and the child will deny the parents' feedback.
In the process, the child will gradually learn to recognize his emotions. Through the feedback of his parents many times, he will also know that he is also very irritable, some irritable because I can't find the toy, some irritability because I am hungry, they are not the same.
In the fifth step, the child begins to gradually refine and subdivide his inner emotions. Gradually through this process to know yourself, and then name your feelings.
The five steps I just talked about are the process of parents helping their children identify emotions and name emotions through mirror reflection. This process is very important for the psychological growth of children.
Because when a child can identify his emotions and his own needs, it means that he can determine his own mental state. He will know that this feeling is called irritability, this feeling is called sadness, this feeling is called hunger, this feeling is called pain.
We know that the premise of dealing with emotions is to first understand emotions, and if we don't know what is wrong with us, let alone find a way to solve them.
Therefore, when parents help their children to confirm their feelings and refine their feelings, they are actually helping their children to achieve an understanding of themselves and achieve control over themselves.
If there is a missing child in this part, he may feel that when he faces feelings or feelings, it is like facing a vast ocean. I don't know how big this ocean is, or what's hidden in it. So what does this affect a person?
For example, some people will be too afraid of these unknown feelings, so they subconsciously close them all and dare not face them, then this is a feature of avoidant attachment. Others will feel that their inner emotions are like a flood, they can't control it at all, and even say that they will be overwhelmed by these emotions, which is the characteristic of obsessive attachment.
We can see that if a person has no way to identify his feelings and needs, then he has no way to truly control his life and will always be led by the fear of emotions. Therefore, in the process of their children's growth, it is very important for parents to assume the psychological function of mirror reflection.