We have been taking online classes at home for a week, and it is not difficult to say that it is a lie, but psychologically we have lost the panic and anxiety of two years ago. Lower expectations, divide labor and cooperate, have difficulties to survive, I believe that it can always pass.
Maybe the whole family has been forced to hold together for a long time, this time received a lot of messages saying, when the mother suddenly found that there are many "wrong" parenting methods under the eyelids, no matter if it does not work, it is necessary to manage and be afraid of causing conflict, what can be done? Let's tell you a few of our true stories.
01
Did you still love me when I lost my temper?
One night, before going to bed, Little D asked, Mom, did you still love me when I lost my temper? Of course, Mom loves you, and I love you at all times. Little D said to me, but Grandpa and Grandma said that if I lost my temper again, they would not like me. I continued to ask, do you think this will be the case? Little D said, yes, when I cried and screamed, everyone was unhappy.
I hugged her and continued, well, when you lose your temper, people are really not very happy. People don't like it, yelling, not talking nicely. Just like when you're angry, you'll blurt out, Mom, I hate you! Then Grandpa and Grandma will also say things that they don't like you because they are in a bad mood.
You think, even if you say such a thing, do you still like your mother? Little D really thought about it, and then very firmly "Hmm! ”。
Scaring children, using "threatening" words, and making babies obedient may have been done by every adult. I myself have blurted out myself because I was too angry, and I was deeply guilty and worried about it, because too many parenting books have told me that it will hurt my child's sense of security.
Later, I did try very hard to control myself, and basically stopped saying such threatening words, but for Little D and all the children, life is not only for the mother.
There may be family members, teachers, nannies, relatives and friends, neighbors and strangers, this kind of scare children, it is really easy to blurt out: you touch that thing again, the mother does not like you; you are not a good child, Grandpa does not want you; and now, I can tell you with great certainty that the children's sense of security is accumulated day by day, and they are not so vulnerable.
When encountering such a problem, there are two main solutions I can provide:
1, do not have to change the adult, do not need to conflict, may wish to try to influence our children.
2, be the child's "external regulator", the sense of security if it is injured in others, you can make up a little more here.
Everyone's "sense of security" actually has a "total value", and in normal life, it will not collapse because of one person and one thing. Don't be afraid of your children being "frightened", after all, they will not live in the "greenhouse" for the rest of their lives. Close observation, more communication and chat, really frightened, we accompanied the "cure";
Not frightened, we accompany the "interpretation", such a child, the future can be "invincible". Instead of us blocking the front for the child like a "tiger", it is better to teach the child how to look at such things, so that they have their own "claws" to resist external evaluation.
02
But Grandpa said yes!
After Little D returned to China, he often spent time with his grandparents and grandparents. Slowly, I noticed that she was beginning to grow eyes. What I can't do here, she can easily get away with it by coddling in front of the old man, or by throwing a little tantrum.
Slowly, she also began to bargain with me. One day before dinner, she was taking ice cream from the fridge, which happened to be seen by me. I didn't speak, and looking at her, she pretended not to see me and went straight to the living room to find Grandpa.
I stopped her and told her, what are the ice cream rules we agreed on before? Does it mean that you can't eat before meals? Little D took care of his ice cream and said to me, but Grandpa said yes. The rules that mom has so hard to establish, as soon as others "intervene", it seems that they will abandon their previous achievements. What to do? angry? worry?
As I did four years ago, I would definitely switch the "Fighter" mode in one second, and directly confront everyone who broke my principles. But now I won't, because I found that today's ice cream, tomorrow's argument about wearing a few clothes is appropriate, and the day after tomorrow will argue about how long cartoons can be watched... In Little D's life, there are always other people, she will always "go forward" to try and challenge her mother's parenting rules with the help of external forces, do I fight every day, do I quarrel everything? How do I solve these kinds of problems?
1, I will reiterate the rule again: we said ok, do not eat ice cream before dinner, and again explain the reason:
Eating ice cream before meals will make the stomach uncomfortable and will also affect eating afterwards. Remember the book "There's a Train Station in your Belly"?
The stomach will not work, it will be very uncomfortable. Those who have had actual combat experience with babies must know that it is almost useless to say these words at the moment. But I have always felt that parenting is not to prove that "we win, we are", but to make children "reasonable".
And the truth of this matter, it is necessary to repeatedly emphasize, in order to become an internal norm. I don't expect to be able to convince Little D by saying it this time.
2, then I will show my attitude: this is the principle of the mother, when the mother takes you, it is not allowed, and what other people say is invalid. That day, I stopped Little D from eating ice cream. Of course, she will definitely make trouble and will not be convinced, but I am like every time I have responded to things that are not allowed to her, gentle companionship, but firm implementation.
You will surely say that this mother is not an evil person, and the child must kiss the person who indulged her. It will be short-term, but this comes back to one of my parenting principles, parents are the first responsible person for the child, and the first thing we have to do is the child's parents, not friends. I chose to enforce these principles because I felt they were right, and I followed them myself.
There are some principles that Little D will now internalize, such as she will take the initiative to tell her father that she should hold the bowl for dinner, do not look at the mobile phone, she began to agree, and her father should also abide by the rules. There are some principles that she will "exploit" now, but it doesn't matter, as long as I believe that I am the one who can influence her the most, then I will insist and patiently tell her why. Absorb the energy of fighting with others, and take more time to ask yourself, why did I choose such a principle?
Spending more time affects children and why we do it. Don't pass on the powerlessness of not being able to control your own children to others, saying that others have "harmed" the children. It has always been the responsibility of our parents to make rules.
03
When I was in the first grade, I came home one day and said, Mom, I'm a piece of crap and can't do anything. Such a heartfelt dialogue, when the mother of me, must be frightened a big jump, quickly asked, only to know that the school has jump rope requirements, the teacher will not be able to jump rope name written on the blackboard, updated every day. Little D can't jump, and Little D's athletic ability from childhood is biased, and it is close to the middle of the semester, and she still can't coordinate her hands and feet well.
It is estimated that the teacher is also anxious, directly said, you look at XX, before you can not jump, people now jump so well, are you ashamed? (Little D and I said the same thing).
This kind of talk is simply a direct poke at the mother's trachea - the most basic education is not to use other children to suppress this child. At that time, my husband always said to his daughter, "You look at other people's this, look at other people's that", and he also wanted to encourage Little D, but I didn't argue with him about this.
But now I'm indifferent, I can't create a "vacuum" for Little D, to ensure that no one will "compare" her - after understanding this, I still start with Little D. Definition problem -- Oh, you're talking about your bad jump rope, you don't think you're good at anything because you're not good at jumping rope.
But my mother thinks that you have a lot of great places, such as when you were a child, you couldn't ride a balance bike, and then you rode fast; you started gymnastics class, everything you did was backward, and then you could get it.
Give affirmation -- you are certainly not a waste, you are super Dorothy, but every "super" person must have something that he is not good at. For example, the super mom can't ride a bicycle yet. Super Dorothy, not yet skipping rope.
Growth mindset -- but even if we're not good at it, we can stick to it, and it's great. Let me see how long Dorothy has been learning to jump rope. Wow, 112 days.
Through such a dialogue, help children to empower and recover from the low energy of completely denying themselves. And more critically, it also gives the child a net inside.
In fact, after that, Little D was still the last batch of their class who would jump rope, but she was obviously not so affected, and sometimes she was sad, but she would self-regulate herself, but I had persistence, I had been working hard, and I would definitely learn. I used to encounter the New Year's Festival like a big enemy, after all, relatives and friends will make a comparison of "other people's children".
Now, I am calm, because comparison is always inevitable, but how to help children get inspiration from comparison, not blows, is our parents' own homework.
04
These three stories of being a stable parent little D don't make you relax a little bit? I used to be a particularly "more authentic" person, I seriously learned to raise children, strict with myself, of course, when I encountered anything different from me, I also strictly wanted to correct others. I used to think that this was "absolutely right", and that motherhood is, of course, protecting her children, even at all costs.
But then I found out that I was wrong, in addition to the safety of life, I wanted to raise a child that was flexible, not rigid.
In a thousand worlds, everyone is different. If we just acquiesce that our own is right and everyone else's is wrong; we only assume that one way of coping is wrong, and everything else is wrong; then we will not only live very tired, but also lack the opportunity to grow and iterate on ourselves.
Sticking to your own bottom line and principles, and then appropriately increasing a little flexibility, is good for yourself and for your children. Moreover, practice has proved that children are really not so fragile and will not become so bad. Being a stable parent is the safest cushion for your child.