In the process of raising children, we will inevitably use deception:
"Oops, supermarkets are closed, can't buy candy"
"Eating this tooth will lose all its weight"
"Rude kids are nobody likes"
These words of deception of children, everyone in life certainly did not say less, some even open their mouths, the "deception" as a means of education.
Although it is not recommended, sometimes,"cheating" can also be an effective method when educating children. I often "cheat" on my children in my life:
"This time you played too well, much smoother than last time, mom is almost intoxicated"
"Wow, you actually threw a ball in it, it's so powerful, my mother practiced for half a day and didn't score one"
But what I mean by cheating is more like a kind of "magnifying glass", to see and magnify the child's strengths and potential, and to expect the child to become better in the future.
01
"Cheating" sometimes has a lot of energy
I'll tell you a true story about me that some friends may have heard.
My cousin, an old friend who knows CC's huan huan aunt, graduated from the Central Academy of Fine Arts, then went to the United Kingdom to study graduate school, and then went to the United States to continue her studies.
She began to study fine arts at a very young age, and her professional path was not exaggerated by her father, that is, my uncle Rainbow Fart.
When she was a child, Huan Huan's aunt had just shown an interest in painting, and she spent a painting, a standing sign, a sofa, and a person sitting on the sofa with her legs paralyzed.
My uncle watched the old tears:
"A few elements show that I was making billboards at the time, tired and dying every day, and came home paralyzed on the couch.
Although the painting style is very immature, this child must be talented, a few strokes, just painted so evocatively, this picture is her own realization. ”
It was as if he had discovered a sparkling art star, blowing rainbow farts.
Say child you are too talented to draw!
The following story, my uncle has told for decades, told to everyone.
Moreover, he never skimped on praising his children in front of others, the story of the decadent father on the sofa next to the billboard, and everyone in our family turned their backs on it.
Huan Huan's aunt is naturally encouraged and more active in painting.
Later, there were ups and downs in the middle of the way, especially in those days of the college entrance examination, and even self-doubt, but every time the uncle was: "How can it be, Dad thinks you are super talented for painting, your paintings are generally not understood, but Dad can see that you have your own style." ”
Her uncle's superb acting skills have reassured her again and again.
During the college entrance examination, the eight major academies of fine arts all signed up, and 7 of them all failed to give up, and finally they were admitted to caucus.
CC Huan Huan Aunt all the way in her father's "coaxing", in the road of painting and painting, the farther and farther away, the better.
If the uncle had told the truth from the beginning, "You really don't look like anything", it is estimated that Aunt Huan Huan would not have such a strong love for painting.
And this rainbow fart education model is called the "expectation effect" in psychology.
What is the "expectancy effect"?
In 1968, American psychologists Rosenthal and Jacobson, both of whom were world-class liars.
Once they went to the school and randomly selected a dozen children, and told the principal and teacher that these children were gifted and rare geniuses. It is also emphasized to keep children secret and not pay too much attention to avoid being discovered.
After waiting for eight months, when they came to school again, they found that these children had all made significant progress, and they were cheerful, self-confident, inquisitive, and liked to deal with people.
This is because the teachers receive their hints, have higher expectations for these children, and convey the expectations to the children through various ways such as language, attitude, expression, etc., and the children also give positive feedback after being expected.
Slowly, expectations become reality, and children are really changing towards genius.
This experiment became known as the "Rosenthal effect", also known as the "expectancy effect".
This experiment proves that when others have expectations for a certain aspect of the individual, the individual will work harder to live up to the expectations of others, so as to achieve the expectations of others. Especially childhood.
In other words, parents expect their children to look like, and continue to treat their children as people to expect, and their children will become better and better towards that expectation.
02
Why does "deception" have such power? In fact, our "deception" (expectation) is not out of thin air, but can see the child's strengths and efforts.
As the old saying goes, "Seek the upper and get the middle, seek the middle and get the bottom, and ask the lower and get nothing." ”
There is no baby who is born with bright performance, they may initially have only a little difference, and then through the discovery, guidance, encouragement, and cultivation of their parents (or others), this little difference has become their biggest shining point.
What we have to do is to add fuel to the original spark and help it become a fire; not to ignore it or even snuff out it because it does not meet our expectations.
Psychology divides the formation of human behavior into three stages - to be, pretend, and become pretend
Among them, "setting" is the most important step, that is, what kind of person the parents define their children.
For example, a particularly stubborn child is, in the eyes of some parents, a "child with strong willpower", while in the eyes of other parents, it is a "thorn-headed child who does not obey discipline".
Expect the child to become what kind of person, and treat the child as what kind of person.
Because the evaluation of parents is the first and most important window for children to understand themselves, children will naturally obtain reference information from their parents in the process of determining personal development.
Therefore, parental expectations have become an important source of influence in children's early planning.
Stubborn this trait, parents think good, then the child will believe that he is excellent, he will work hard to become a determined child, but also more confident, sunny, more willing to get better.
If parents think that their children are naughty, then most of the children will give up on themselves, become less good, and even hate this screwed self.
Inventor Edison Everyone knows that Edison especially liked to tear things down when he was a child, and even the teacher couldn't help but complain that "let the child change this problem"!
But Edison's mother did not think so, she felt that this was the child's hobby, but also the child's distinctive advantage.
It was also under the constant encouragement of his mother that Edison became an inventor who made great contributions to mankind.
Then there's the pretending.
Children continue to accept the "set" information of their parents, and they seem to understand that they will act according to their parents' expectations.
When I was a child, I was always praised as the best child in hutong mathematics, and when I encountered more difficult problems, in fact, I sometimes didn't bother to calculate, but when I thought of "I am the best mathematician among the big and small children in the hutong", I unconsciously wanted to fight for a breath, and I had to calculate it.
As I get more and more involved in this state, I get more and more affirmations, and everyone is saying, "This kid likes to solve math problems the most."
When a child hears the same affirmation from time to time, such as "I will say that he is particularly assertive, I will say that he loves cleanliness." ”
The more this affirmation, the more the child's strength, even if it is not true, it is okay to pretend.
In the end, the child slowly forms a behavioral habit when pretending to be dressed.
For example, CC Huan Huan Aunt, along the way, decided that she was a child with a talent for painting, and I, along the way, decided that I was a child with a lot of mathematical talent.
This is the learning level. Personality and behavior, too.
Some people are praised to be clean, and when they grow up, they become an adult who loves cleanliness in particular; some people are praised as particularly tolerant, and they grow up to become an inclusive child who does not love to be calculating.
Because of habit, he feels that he is such a person, and this is the state he has.
He really became the person his parents expected.
03
Expectations should also pay attention to the method and degree of people are upward, hoping that they can become better.
The way parents convey expectations is also very important, and high expectations are not the same as hoping for a son to become a dragon and a daughter to become a phoenix. If this is the expectation, we still have to control our desire for success in our children.
Because too high expectations will bring pressure to children, invisibly give children a lot of pressure and anxiety.
"I have to be like this, otherwise I wouldn't be a good child in the eyes of my parents."
Our expectations should serve as a guiding light for the child's development, not to force the child to the cliff, so that the child must follow this path, otherwise it will crush him.
Our expectations:
1, it should be based on reality, is the height that children can reach at present, rather than the ultimate dream of one step to the sky.
"You're really good at doing this kind of math problem/You're really good at memorizing poems", not "I'm sure you can get a hundred points" instead of "I'm sure you can get a hundred points."
Recently found a point of CC that can be magnified, Wild Road Roller Skating has been self-taught for a few years, school club selection, and is put in front of the teacher to do a demonstration, we can "cheat" her - you are really a child who is good at roller skating!
2, should be child-centered, not centered on the good image of parents' imagination.
We can't force input what we think, but based on the characteristics of the child, first discover the interest, and then enlarge the ability.
Develop expectations according to the child's ability/personality, rather than allowing the child to develop the ability/deviating personality that is not good at according to the expectations of the parents.
As long as the parents are willing, even the worst children can find the shining point.
When you see the light on the child, the child will definitely see the sparkling self from our eyes, and the child will definitely work towards this goal.
C Mom says:
Anticipation is not just a matter of moving your mouth.
When the child is developing well, recognize him and encourage the child to do better. When a child encounters difficulties, it is an expectation to help and support him, but also a kind of trust.
We give our children unlimited possibilities to expect, but also to accept their limitations. In the aspect or time when the child is insufficient and cannot be done, you can catch the child and accept the moment when he is not doing well.
At an important point in a child's life, whether parents support or suppress, this may make the child have a different life.