Recently, a mother said to me:
Others say that children brought by grandparents are easily spoiled and lawless,
The situation in her family is the opposite—
She said that she followed the rules of the child every day, but she was always told by the old man in the family: Just because you discuss everything with the child, you will spoil the child sooner or later.
So she began to tremble:
What kind of "gentle and firm" can raise a child who is full of love but is not spoiled? What should be discussed and when should the rules be made? (No, it's all intuitive.) ）
My answer is very simple, love and coddling are basically two concepts, absolutely not too much love, or coddling.
01
Motives for coddling
There is no principle and bottom line for treating children, as long as the child cries and makes a fuss, everything can be done immediately, which is coddling. But let me say that this kind of parent seems to "love" the child, but in fact, "love" the unsatisfied self.
If there is a time tunnel back to the childhood, I think we can definitely see a child who has been taught from an early age to say that "good children do not cry". Rather than saying that such parents love their children, they are healing their inner children through their children, their own selves that have not been seen and treated gently. It seems to be everywhere for the sake of children, but in fact it is just a black hole that satisfies their inner feelings.
02
All kinds of coddling
There are many forms of coddling.
1. Pleasing type
During the restaurant meal, the friend's 4-year-old son took a car and played around the table, and the excitement of the play began to scream, and he was ready to climb on the table.
The friend also realized that something was wrong, and gently said to his son, "Don't play, eat." The child did not listen at all and continued to play with himself. My friend complained to me, "Boys are just hard to take, but I have a good relationship with my son, just like friends."
I myself feel that sometimes it is not too strict, love and freedom. The doting of such parents is reflected in the fact that they are always afraid that their children will not like themselves and want to be friends with their children. If you observe the daily life of such parents, they are conflict-avoidant, not only for children in life, but also for family members, colleagues, etc., they belong to the "good old people", even if this thing is not right, but because of the fear of destroying the relationship and choose to shut up. For the child's coddling, it is essentially the compensation for the parent's own social relationships that are not nourished.
2. Guilt type
A friend went back to work after the end of maternity leave, of course, reluctant ah, every day before going to work the child cried she also cried, so that more than half a year has passed, the child will still cry every day. What made her even more headache was that she felt that she did not know how to make rules for her children more and more.
Giving snacks, watching TV, what to buy, things she used to firmly disagree with, now often compromise. She said she couldn't see her child crying, and every time the child cried, she felt deeply guilty and felt that she shouldn't go to work. Guilt-type parents always feel that they owe their children and blindly satisfy their children to make up for it.
The essence of this coddling is the projection of the parent's own value not being realized, when the parent's own energy is weak, especially the mother, it is easy to anchor his own strength to his own children. Any feedback from the child becomes the embodiment of his own value, so there is a lot of unnecessary guilt.
3. Helpless type
A friend who saw my public account once wrote me a long letter in the middle of the night, saying that the family's children were only 16 months old and could not be controlled at all. Take eating, for example, before eating, three please four please; when eating, order soldiers, and direct your mother to bring various toys over.
The mother did not implement it in place, and the child immediately cried. Even if the toys are taken over, the child sometimes does not appreciate it, directly climbing down the dining chair, the mother can only chase after the back and coax the deception, until the final can not, take out the hand, "Will wait for your father to come back, I tell your father to go!" "Helpless parents, who can do everything they can to satisfy the child, but never try to establish principles.
And habitually cede this responsibility to others. In this way, they do not have to take responsibility, and they can rightly say that this child is difficult to carry, and I can't manage it well. Essentially, it's a sign of laziness and fear of being responsible.
4. Control type
Friends do their best to help the child do everything every day, the child is now 10 years old, no need to do housework, every day the meal is delivered to the front, help him choose clothes, match the color, really do not need to worry about anything. Friends said that there is really nothing good in this life, so hard to hope that the child can be good. So every time the child's grades are not good, she is particularly sad.
This is typically controlled in the name of "love". With this kind of coddling, what we often hear is, "How can you be worthy of your mother like this?" Who is Mom working so hard for? "The controlling nature of coddling is the embodiment of the anxiety imbalance in the parents' own hearts.
Their love for their children is actually only to alleviate their inner anxiety, and once the child's behavior cannot meet their needs, it becomes an "accusation".
04
Coddling solution
Seeing this, it is estimated that some friends will silently sit in the seat and feel as if they have fallen into the pit of "doting".
Nature will think, then how to solve it? Solving coddling is definitely not to never give the child love again, but to learn to truly love. So what is it to truly love children?
Love is an ability, and those who have the ability to love need to love themselves first, and the heart is full and independent personality. A big river never worries, and a little watering the stream will "flood"; on the contrary, there are a few drops of water in an empty cup, so before pouring it out, you must look ahead and be afraid to worry.
Therefore, parents themselves must be complete in their hearts, can achieve their own growth through themselves, can accept their unfinished regrets, and can realize their independence. They don't need to complete their own growth through children, make up for their regrets through children, and even treat children as part of "themselves".
Please parents, remember to remind yourself that we have our own lovers, friends and lives, and so will our children in the future.
We will have many friends in life, but children will only have a mother or father, and proper discipline and guidance is the responsibility of parents. Guilty parents need to understand that everyone is "themselves" first and then different roles.
Children come to enrich our roles, not to replace all other roles. Let the child see that we switch between different roles, and even struggle hard, but it is more conducive to the child's self-building and understanding of various intimate relationships. Helpless parents, to tell themselves, parenting is also a "special skill" that needs to be learned. You can learn a little slower, you can ask for help, but you must not be lazy.
Don't hand over the responsibility of parents to others in the name of "infallible". The most feared thing about parenting is not to make a mistake, but not to do it. Controlling parents, first stop parenting, first straighten themselves out. Think about the things you are anxious about, ask a few more "whys", and dig into the real source. At this time, you will find that it is not that the child is not good enough, but that you yourself are not good enough, so you may as well change yourself first, accept yourself, and then raise children.
The easiest way to judge "love" or "coddling" is, when you love children, are we balanced and happy in our hearts? Healthy love brings psychological pleasure. And when you are afraid, confused, and entangled, then you should stop and see: do you really love your children, or do you satisfy your inner lack in the name of "love"? I often have these four questions for self-examination, and also share with you:
What are my principles for this?
Can I tell the difference between loving this person and not loving this behavior?
What are the top three sources of self-worth in my life, and are there other sources of achievement, not just children?
Can I understand that my child's accomplishments are not my accomplishments, or at least not the source of my entire achievements?
Parents who are full of heart, firm in their three views, and high self-evaluation, no matter how much they love, will not be "coddling". When you are afraid of confusion, stop parenting, love yourself first, awaken your inner child, and have a good chat. Coddling is never more love; it is the backlash of the lack of love in our own inner children.