In recent decades, Chinese families have more and more disposable wealth, and a child may have 6 adults to pour resources and efforts, which seems to give children more choices, but in fact, it is often caught in an overly concerned, standardized parenting path.
Parents require their children to be obedient from an early age, but children will find that their children have various problems as they grow up, such as high incidence of depression, school bullying, substance and drug abuse, animal abuse, and so on. Many parents even helplessly said that they were disappointed in their children and did not want to care!
In the final analysis, the excessive attention and restraint of parents do not allow children to form an internal driving force of self-restraint, so once they escape the parents' sight, they can no longer maintain the original "well-behaved child" appearance.
If you want your child to become a truly self-disciplined, self-motivated, and self-responsible person, you must know the psychological principle behind it, you give the child what he needs most, and the family education problem will be solved!
The famous psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Lane developed a theory that is widely supported in psychology, self-determination theory (SDT), which holds that human beings have three basic needs:
1, independent needs; 2, competent needs 3, belonging needs
First, independent demand.
Of the three elements of cultivating intrinsic motivation, autonomous needs are the most important. The best way to motivate children (or adults) is to support their sense of control. Hundreds of studies have found that in schools, homes, and businesses, explaining why tasks matter, and giving individuals as much freedom of choice as possible in carrying out tasks, can inspire more motivation than rewards or punishments.
If parents focus on developing their children's sense of autonomy and control, their children are more likely to explore their own interests and focus on self-growth. Helping your child develop this kind of self-motivation is the most rewarding thing for you to do, and by asking them what they all want to own and grasp, you can give your child as much control as possible about his own choices.
Second, competence.
Many parents believe that as long as their son or daughter specializes in math or football, his or her intrinsic motivation will work.
In fact, competence is not really the ability to do things well, but a feeling that we can handle things well, which is a sense of our own ability, rather than the meaning of "I am the best!" The trophy is an intrinsic rather than an external scale of achievement.
One of the jobs of parents is to support our children to develop competencies. Remember, you can't directly develop a child's competency, and any attempt to do so will undermine their own motivation.
Third, a sense of belonging. It refers to the bond between the individual and others that can make people feel caring.
When a child feels that there is this bond with you, and when you can pass on unconditional love, he will tell himself, "My parents care about me, not how many points I score", so that your child is more likely to inherit and internalize your values.
Self-determinism calls this "integration regulation," referring to an identity that a child forms by integrating the values and pursuits of those who care about him, plus unconditional love for him.
When the child's test score is not good, the child himself is likely to be very unhappy, please express a little more sympathy: "I know you are very dissatisfied with this score, I also know that you have made an effort, if you want, I am happy to talk to you, so that I can help you in the next exam." 」 ”
When you show compassion (meeting the need to belong), then tell him that there is still room and means to improve (to meet the need for competence), and end with "If you want, you can..." so that the child feels that he can make his own decisions, the child will trust you and will regain the courage to face new challenges.
Don't let children have the initiative in "what they can do", they will naturally have a strong creativity in "what they shouldn't do". If a person cannot live the life he wants to live, he will ruin his life in the form of his own decision, because this can at least prove that "my life is still under my control."
Autonomy, competence, and belonging are everyone's needs, and so are children, and if you let him have this good feeling, he will definitely drive himself to create a better future for himself.