Today, I stumbled upon an article on the Internet that was more than 1.6 million, written by the father of a 13-year-old teenager.
The number of words is not much, but between the lines, it is full of anxiety about children and helplessness about the status quo.
Here's what it looks like:
His son is 13 years old, and he did well in his studies before the first year of junior high school.
Starting in July 2021, he suddenly became grumpy, irritable, and often lost his temper over a small matter.
After the start of school in September, he was still motivated to study, but his temper was still grumpy, and he had many conflicts with his parents.
At the end of September, the father felt that the child's condition was getting worse and worse, contacted the psychological counselor, and after communicating with the psychological counselor,
Realizing that there was something wrong with his educational philosophy, he decided to start changing and relaxed the restrictions on his children.
As a result, children can also play with the computer more enjoyably, but they did not expect it to become so intense.
The child's current status:
1, black and white upside down: start sleeping around 10 a.m., get up at 7 or 8 p.m., and play the computer all night.
2, addicted to the computer: mainly to play games.
3, unwilling to go to school, serious boredom.
Since last November, I have not written homework, and now I have not been to school for more than a month.
All cram schools were stopped, wasting a lot of money.
4, basically do not go out, do not exercise.
5, do not pay attention to hygiene: do not brush your teeth, do not take a bath (once a week or two).
The father said that after communicating with the counselor, he realized that there was a big problem with his educational philosophy and decided to start changing.
Relax the restrictions on the child, begin to accept and let go of the child unconditionally, and as a result, the child is getting more and more serious.
Originally a grumpy child, he now refuses to go to school for a month or two.
The tone is full of regret about the matter of psychological counseling, as if if this step is not taken,
The child is just grumpy, not tired of school.
To be honest, after reading this article, I was shocked by the father's thoughts and practices while feeling sorry for this child.
There is no problem in taking a child to see a counselor, the problem is, unconditional acceptance does not mean letting go?
It's like, a Shanghainese says this dish is a bit spicy, and a Hunan person says this dish is a bit spicy, it's not a concept?
The unconditional acceptance that the counselor says really does not mean that the child is laissez-faire, and the child can play games casually and play all night.
The book "Emotional Self-Help" says that do not think that acceptance is to be satisfied with the status quo, that is, not to think of making progress.
Unconditional acceptance refers to psychological tolerance and love:
Allow children to do poor academically;
Allow the child to fail this exam;
Children are allowed to rank first from the bottom;
Allowing children to be unable to enter high school...
As long as the child tries his best, no matter what the result, you will still love the child, rather than loving him conditionally and liking him.
Unconditional acceptance, not to ignore the child's bad behavior, not to play games all night without intervention,
It is not that children do not want to go to school without going to school, but they should communicate patiently, formulate rules, and smooth transition.
Correct your child's bad habits little by little.
13-year-old children, in adolescence, is the stage of rebellion, for children of this age, neither unconditional obedience,
You can't let it go, you can develop an implementable plan with your child on the basis of equal dialogue,
Slowly help the child walk away from the state that appears.
And this father's approach before and after is completely two extremes, which used to be strict requirements and are now left alone.
Both of these practices are not conducive to the growth of children.
Judging from the current state of the child described in the article, the child already has a clear tendency to depression,
If you accept it so "unconditionally" and let it go, it will only become more and more serious, not only can not return to school,
There will also be serious avoidance of social behavior, or even not out of their own rooms, every day is to play games all night,
Then go to sleep, eat something hungry, and then play, and so on.
For children, there is nothing wrong with living like this every day, anyway, I am sick, I say what you unconditionally accept,
No longer control me as before, let me learn this and that. So why should I get better?
That's the benefit of symptoms.
Some patients with psychological problems do not get better for a long time, because although the disease is painful, it can also benefit from it.
In the first chapter of The Fight Against Depression, what should depressed people do to be beneficial? 8 suggestions were made.
What needs to be done for depressed family members? 7 suggestions were given.
I believe that if this father reads these two books, he will not go to two extremes and will choose a better way to help his children.