The class teacher reminds: The child's "poisonous friendship" is more terrible than early love! (Required reading for parents)

People often say, "Things are clustered in groups, people are divided into groups", and what a person looks like can be judged by looking at his friends.

For children, the same is true, don't ignore the influence of friends on children.

The friendship between children, in addition to simplicity and beauty, like the adult world, there will be quarrels and conflicts, and there will even be isolation and exclusion, jealousy and hurt, bullying and bullying...

Occasional quarrels between friends are nothing, but "poisonous friendship" is not OK, not only can not let children experience the beauty of friendship, but will make children negative and inferior, sad and sad, affecting normal learning and life.

01

Friendship is important, but poisoning friendship is enough

Friendship is an indispensable part of a child's growth path.

Harris, author of "The Myth of Parenting," argues that peer groups are often the places that shape children's behavior and transform their personalities.

But in real life, children may encounter "toxic" friendships, so that the "peer effect" has a negative and negative impact on children, far more serious than the early love we fear.

How to judge which are "poisonous friendships"?

In Psychology Today in the United States, Dr. Eileen Leonard summarized several characteristics of "toxic friendships":

Children are often unhappy or even cry

Self-confidence wilts and loses interest in previously enjoyed activities

In order to make friends happy, they are ridiculed and despised

The ideas that are put forward are always not taken seriously

The lack of progress in a friendship has led to the idea of disgusting yourself

Like what:

The best friend suddenly has a "new love", so he abandons "me", "I" carefully to redeem, but to no avail;

He has always gotten along well with friends, but once he passed him on an exam, he began to alienate "me" and say bad things about "me" behind his back;

Friends always pick and choose "me", always make "I" feel landless, in order to maintain friendship, "I" always please him...

In general, in this friendship, the child is more hurt and less happy, often depressed and sad.

We usually pay more attention to find the child's abnormality in time, if the child falls into the "poisonous friendship", we must give the child guidance and relief in time.

02 Toxic friendship boat, turn it over

Friends are important, but stingy friendships, or not as well.

However, when helping children end their poisonous friendships, we must pay attention to methods and do not interfere rudely.

Because choosing who to make friends with is the child's own business and his important right.

And "rough interference" may also be counterproductive, easy for children to have a "Romeo and Juliet effect", that is, the more obstructive, the more solid.

03 So, what should we do?

Don't label, just list objective facts, trust the child's own judgment

Any change begins with self-awareness, and children are no exception.

Therefore, the first step in helping children is to let the children realize that this is a problem.

At this time, it can be guided by chat.

For example, you can chat with your child like this:

Baby, Mom saw that a few times when you played together, she always said you couldn't do it well. But I think you're a good kid who works hard and is motivated.

I'm curious, is that how she always gets along with her friends?

or:

Every time you are together, you have to listen to him. Do you like him to do that?

In the chat, simply describe things with objective facts, rather than directly "labeling" the other person and telling the child, "He belittled you" and "He ordered you".

Parents help their children sort out their ideas by listing the facts, so that the children can draw their own conclusions and judge whether the friendship should continue.

Our goal is not for the child to admit that he is a bad friend, but for him to make a thoughtful analysis of the relationship.

Let's never think that the child is small, and we will not analyze and judge the problems on our own.

The unlabeled way of chatting is not easy to cause children's resistance and disgust, and it is easy for children to open their hearts and let them tell us their true thoughts.

Understand your child's inner appeal

In the process of talking about this matter with the child, we also need to pay attention to understand the child's psychological appeal from the conversation.

For example, let's look at this conversation:

Mom: "Everyone doesn't like him, why do you like to play with him?" ”

Child: "I can encounter a lot of interesting things by playing with him, and I usually don't meet them." ”

It can be seen that the child has a need in the other party.

Information like this is enough to make us reflect on whether we have missed anything in the process of education. For example, is it that there are too many restrictions on the child, so that he can't encounter a lot of "interesting things"?

In this process, children can not only confide in themselves, but we can also find some problems in family education.

When the "loophole" of the child's psychological needs is filled, he will no longer ask for it from the outside world.

When they interact with friends, they will care more about equality, respect, and mutual love, and "poisonous friendship" will naturally gradually drift away.

Help your child develop an "evacuation" plan

Finally, once the child has decided to leave this friend, the most difficult part of the matter is done.

Next, we can work with the child to develop an "evacuation" plan to help the child get out of the control of the poisonous friendship smoothly.

For example, you can use a gradual way to carry out cold treatment, by gradually reducing the time together, to slowly dilute the concentration of friendship, so that toxic friendships will fend for themselves.

To help children make real friends and get rid of poisonous friendships, we also need to help children make friends better, and don't become "toxic friends" who are silently abandoned.

Only by understanding the changes in the child's friendship at various stages can we better guide the child.

Robert Selman, a professor of psychology, education and development at Harvard University, interviewed and studied more than 250 people ages 3 to 45.

He found that throughout our lives, the knowledge and understanding of friendship is changing, which can be roughly divided into 5 overlapping stages.

Junior high school students are in the mutual stage of friendship, and sharing relationships is particularly important.

In their eyes, friendship is an ongoing, intimate, loyal relationship that involves not only doing things for each other, but also possessiveness and exclusivity between friends.

So, they'll say, "He's my closest friend, and I'm really upset when I find out he's still friends with someone else."

The friendship at this time is also an interdependent relationship for them.

The child trusts and supports his friends, helps him when he needs them, and begins to learn to respect the autonomy of his friends and give them freedom.

Children at this stage will say:

"He's my friend and I'll stand firmly behind him and help him.

But I wouldn't force him, he has his own ideas and choices. As a friend, I will respect his freedom. ”

While building friendships, let children and friends learn to share and take responsibility.

Know how to share, in order to win more trust;

Learn to take responsibility, in order not to be attached to people, more independent.

All of this can make friendships last longer.

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