Wen | condensed mother's understanding
Children in the process of growing up can not be separated from friends, but sometimes it is inevitable to encounter "poisonous friendship", when the child is in a dilemma, is it to teach him to stay away, or to use other ways to guide?
I know that a friend asked for help: the good friend of the 6-year-old child will not let her play with another good friend, otherwise he will use the "must kill skill", the child is embarrassed and afraid, how to guide her to solve?
When my daughter went to kindergarten, she had two good friends, one of whom wouldn't let her play with another good friend and threatened to use the "killer skill" if she played with that little friend again.
The child is not happy! One is that she is afraid of this strange "must kill skill", and the other is that she likes another child very much and wants to play with her, which is very difficult.
Parents hear about this, but also very confused, on the one hand, think that the child's problem is best to solve by themselves, on the other hand, they want to appease the child, do not know how to help the child solve this social problem.
When she was in school, she encountered similar "poisonous friendships" in different school sections. At that time, they would not tell their parents about these things, and the parents did not pay attention to them, and they could only make choices by themselves, and it was also very painful and painful in retrospect.
From the child's point of view, there is a special desire to get help, especially from parents. Such "poisonous friendship" is very tricky, and parents still interfere in the end as well.
Children want to monopolize good friends, often related to past experiences
Although children are very simple, they also have desires, such as possessiveness.
Children become self-aware by the age of 2 or so, begin to be self-centered, everything is mine, whether it is people I like or things I like, I want to be exclusive and do not want others to participate.
For example, if a child likes his mother, if his father or other siblings are close to his mother, they will react violently and try to push them away, and the mother is his mother alone, which is called the "Oedipus complex".
If Mom and Dad love each other enough, the child needs to compete with Dad for Mom, and in the process, they can learn to build an intimate relationship with 3 people. Otherwise, the child is accustomed to the exclusive mother and will migrate to the problem of dating later.
After the child reaches the age of 3, he begins to develop partnerships, and does not want friends to play with other children, that is, when he is possessive, he has not developed well, which is an abnormal reaction to the parent-child relationship.
Children also have insecurities.
The child is very eager for friendship, but for various reasons, there are not many friends who really interact, and it is very precious to be able to obtain friendship, and he is afraid of being deprived.
For example, if the child has many brothers and sisters at home, or has many contacts, if he should possess it when he should possess it, and share it when he should share, the child can learn to interact with many people.
Otherwise, if the child's emotional appeal is always not properly responded to, and the party is suppressed, the child will not be able to develop the correct pluralistic social interaction, the ability to make friends is limited, and the child is full of vigilance against the surrounding environment.
Children don't want to share friendships with other children, they are afraid that they will lose friends one day.
Children also have jealousy. Seeing friends playing with other children is also very jealous and lonely.
Maria Legerstee, head of the Infant and Toddler Research Centre at York University in Toronto, believes that when someone threatens stable social relations, people develop jealousy, which is a normal reaction.
Driven by these practical problems and psychological factors, the child believes that only by holding on to his friends will he not lose friends. Such children are not friendly, but they are in particular need of help.
It is not advisable to simply and rudely let the child escape
This friendship is classified as "poisonous friendship", such a friend is called a "poisonous friend", and when encountering such a problem, the child is very embarrassed, and wants to maintain a friendship relationship with the child, but does not want to abandon another friend.
Parents also say that they don't like their children to make such friends: how do they want to control their children? Not a good stubble! Just keep your child away from him, so as not to be hurt later.
How to stay away from it? A no-brainer?
All in a school, all in a class, looking up and not looking down, always meeting, don't you turn your head and leave without saying a word? Like dodging the plague god, this disharmonious situation can also make the child depressed.
Stay away from this child, and then meet another child of the same, and stay away? Which child can accept several friends at the same time? It all takes time to observe and judge.
In the future, when children solve problems on their own, if they develop the habit of avoidance, children will not be able to face difficulties and cannot correctly solve social problems.
Therefore, the handling of the problem can not be so simple and rude, once escaped, not only to make the child feel at ease, but also to teach the child some more reasonable ways to deal with it.
Parents help their children step by step
First, eliminate the fear of your child being threatened
Parents should let their children understand that parents will always be the most reliable people for their children, and will give him the greatest help and make their children feel at ease.
At the same time, firmly tell the child that what the child says is most likely to imitate the cartoon or the statement in the book, because the understanding problem or the oral expression ability problem, after personal deduction, it is terrifying to say it, in fact, most of it is at the imaginary level.
"You have the "must kill skill", I have the "resurrection skill", you can't scare me." ”
In the book "You Can't Bully Me", it is to teach children to stubbornly counter the threatening language of the little bully, and we can be inspired by it, such as this paragraph:
Sammy scares Kevin: Put you in a cage with a bear.
Kevin wasn't afraid: Then I rode on bearback and taught them to play games.
Sami adds to the horror: they're all wild bears.
Kevin fearless: Then I'll run out of the cage slot.
Sammy shouted: You are too big.
Kevin said: "I'll make myself smaller with magic pills."
......
In this way, they bravely faced each other, they shouted, played, and finally had a lot of fun together. After reading these cases, children will find that no matter how vicious the language, it will be resolved by the brave response, which is simply a joke.
Second, reassure your child about losing friends
Let the child be firm in his choice, do what he likes, and not be forced or controlled by others. It is your own freedom to make friends with whom you want, and others have no right to interfere, not because you are afraid to please or accommodate anyone.
The philosopher Martin Buber said: "Friendship is my encounter with you, full of love and respect for loneliness".
Let the child understand that true friends will give each other time and space, accept and respect each other's ideas, practices and friends, rather than trying to take it for themselves, control each other or intimidate and threaten, and lose their temper. It is the unfriendly friends to be discarded, not the friends who make themselves happy.
Again, teach your child to communicate openly with friends
Encourage your child to communicate with friends, speak out their questions, and open their hearts. Ask a friend why exactly is this, is there a conflict with another friend? Or are you afraid that friendship will be robbed? Isn't it good for three people to be friends together? Let the other party know that the friendship boat will not be overturned, so that the other party has confidence, so as to eliminate the vigilance.
I remembered a book I had read with my child, "If You Only Make Friends with Me", which told a similar case: the well-behaved sheep and the crooked rabbit are good friends, and the Mimi rat is very jealous and wants to break up the two of them and let the well-behaved sheep only be friends with themselves.
Mimi Mouse seduces the well-behaved sheep with chocolate, star necklaces, and dolls, and although the well-behaved sheep is very impressed every time, he thinks that the crooked rabbit is also very friendly to himself, so he chooses to reject mimi-rat.
After the crooked rabbit knows about the Mimi mouse, he tells the well-behaved sheep that they will always be good friends, and no one can change this. At the same time, ask the well-behaved sheep whether they mind being friends with the mimi rats, the well-behaved sheep feel the best of both worlds, will not lose the crooked rabbit, and accept the mimi rats, how good.
Whoever it is, one of the three people pokes through the window paper and influences the other children with their own actions, and the mustard will be eliminated between friends.
Finally, if necessary, communicate with the teacher and let the teacher enlighten the child's friends
If you try the above method, the other party does not cooperate, and does not achieve the desired result, it is necessary to use the strength of the teacher.
After all, we don't know much about children, and teachers are more familiar with their family situation and children's characteristics, and they are more able to grasp the key points. The teacher either solves the problem himself or tells the other parent, depending on the situation. Either way, there will be a better result.
epilogue
It is more common for children to encounter "poisonous friendships" that want to monopolize themselves. In general, children who prefer to be exclusive may have bad experiences, be possessive, insecure, and have strong jealousy. When encountering such a friend, teaching children to stay away is not the way, to see the tricks, try to communicate, in order to get the perfect result.
Have you or your child ever encountered such a poisonous friendship? How did you interfere? Let's hear it.
I'm @Gelma Goku
Mother of two boys, more than 10 years of parenting experience
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