Can you imagine how much a child can bear in order to make friends, how humble it becomes?
A post on the Internet, Chang Dad was heartbroken.
One mom said her daughter is 4 and a half years old and especially likes to play with other children. But the mother could clearly feel that the daughter was always trying to please other children. In order to make other children accept themselves, even if they are a little wronged and eat some losses, it doesn't matter.
But what the mother did not expect was that the daughter was so humble that she willingly knelt on the ground and learned to bark while riding other children.
The mother quickly pulled her daughter up and asked, "Why are you doing this?" ”
The daughter said, "If it weren't for that, they wouldn't play with me." ”
In our minds, the friendship between children is pure and beautiful, but this living example makes us have to realize that even between ignorant children, there is a poisonous friendship.
If it's too extreme for children to be forced to learn how to bark, here are just a few examples of what you and I, or many others, have experienced as children:
One day, a father went to pick up his son from elementary school and saw a group of people surrounding his son, grabbing him of all kinds of food and drink. Dad knew that he was afraid that he would occasionally be too late to pick up, and the money for the child to take a car to eat was almost usually asked by his classmates to "treat", and if others wanted to eat any snacks he did not buy, he would be isolated.
There is also a mother on Zhi X who finds that her daughter and the child next door always seem particularly humble when interacting: once the two have a conflict, it is always the daughter who takes the initiative to make peace. The child next door often did not appreciate it, and when he saw that it was his daughter, he immediately closed the door and let his daughter cry outside. Even if her daughter borrows a book, her attitude is cold.
Obviously, the note said, "If you still want to play with me, come to me tomorrow at ten o'clock in the morning", but when the daughter called the other party, she was hung up.
Despite being wronged several times, the daughter insisted on playing with the children next door.
This mom, like the two parents above, is very confused:
"How can a child I raise as a baby in the palm of my hand be so humble and flattering in making friends?"
In fact, the reason is very simple, that is-
01 Being rejected by a companion is far more painful than imagined
Naomi Eisenberger, Ph.D., of the University of California, Los Angeles, and Kimling Williams, Ph.D., of Purdue University, used fMRI (functional magnetic resonance) technology to find that when a person is rejected by a friend, the activity of the dorsal anterior cingulate gyrus and anterior isola leaf of the brain increases. This area coincides with the area where the brain is activated during physical pain.
That is to say, although the ostensibly rejected children were not injured, they felt as much pain as being beaten up.
What's even more surprising is that the two researchers, after asking the volunteers to eat drugs to treat physical pain, actually alleviated the pain of social exclusion. This experiment once again confirmed that social exclusion can trigger biological suffering.
In addition to physical pain, rejection triggers a range of emotional and cognitive changes. Studies have found that social exclusion increases people's anxiety, anger, depression, jealousy, sadness and other emotions, and it is easy to act impulsively or attack others.
In this regard, psychologist C. Dr. Nathan DeWall once gave this explanation:
"Human beings have a basic need for belonging. Just as we need food and water, we need positive and lasting relationships. ”
Making friends is an instinctive need of people.
Since ancient times, we have been a social species, "when we lived in the African savannah, a lonely person could not survive the six million years of human evolution", and being accepted into the group was a survival mechanism.
Although human civilization has been highly developed, and it is possible to survive as an otaku and an otaku, the results of natural selection for millions of years will still make people feel very painful when they are excluded.
Children and adolescents, in particular, can feel very anxious once they are ostracized by groups.
Some researchers once did a classic cyberball experiment ( ) , let three people pass the ball together , and later became only two people passing the ball , divided into children, teenagers, adults.
The results found that participants in the children's and adolescent groups had significantly higher levels of anxiety after finding themselves ostracized by their peers.
Dr. Kipling Williams even said:
"Evolutionaryly, if you're socially isolated, you're going to die."
Knowing that the other party does not regard himself as a friend, knowing that he has been wronged, but the child still insists on pleasing the other party, it is because this experience is too painful.
But even so, in order not to be rejected, can only let the child continue to be so humble?
Not really. Regardless of adults or children, all the friends we make are not necessarily "true friends", if you find that the child is trapped in the "poisonous friendship", in addition to understanding the child's pain, empathy with the child, parents should "shoot" in a timely manner, pull the child.
02 What is deadly is not the game, but the human heart
In May last year, a 15-year-old Jiangsu teenager Xiaosheng was beaten to death by Fan and his accomplice Cai because he intervened to stop his friend Fan mou from committing violence against his junior high school classmates.
Xiaosheng, who read the third year of junior high school, is honest and shy, sensible and well-behaved. And Fan Mou is a dirty talker who likes to cause trouble.
Two people who are not related to each other have always maintained a wonderful friendship, and this so-called "friendship" relies on Xiao Sheng's continuous flattery.
Almost every day, he took the initiative to give Fan a good morning on QQ, and always invited Fan to come and play with himself. But Fan Mou was much more ruthless, "I don't have money to play?" "If I can get money, I'll play with you!"
In order to please Fan, Xiaosheng advanced a few hundred yuan to the barber shop where he worked, and also stole two thousand yuan from the family.
This unequal deformed friendship was barely maintained under Xiao Sheng's vigorous maintenance, until Fan Mou and a boy "made a fight", Xiao Sheng advised him not to cause trouble, Fan did not listen, and Xiao Sheng, who tried his best to block, was actually beaten to death by the angry Fan Mou.
Poisoning friendship killed the boy.
Every time you hear a similar story, parents will feel heartache and regret, and at the same time can't help but want to ask the parents of these children: Didn't you find out that your children had made bad friends in the first place? Didn't help him in time?
But think about it the other way around, if we really find out that a child may be falling into a toxic friendship, do we know what the right way to interfere is?
In fact, the first thing we have to do is to understand the characteristics of children's friendships at different ages, and on this basis, we can decide what ways we should take to help children.
03 Before the age of 7, how do parents shoot?
According to the study of child psychologist Selman, the friendships of children until the age of 7 are in an unstable stage, and they are not real friendships. After the age of 7, the child will establish a stable, exclusive relationship with an object.
If your child is still young and finds that he or she is facing a toxic friendship, the best thing to do is to reduce your child's chances of meeting the other person.
For example, take your child to a playground to play, or arrange other projects to help them get rid of their previous environment. When a child makes a new friend, he will no longer linger on his previous friendship.
If the child has gone to elementary school and has a relatively stable relationship, then you can take three steps to help the child stay away from poisonous friendship.
04 After the age of 7, teach children to identify poisonous friendships and true friends
The first step is to let the child know that friendship can be toxic
In the face of poisonous friendship, many children are in a state of "fancy" at the beginning, simply thinking that the other party sometimes does not like themselves or the other party is unhappy.
Psychologist Vineet Tripathi says:
"If you feel exhausted rather than uplifted after being with friends, or feel relaxed when they cancel a plan, it's a sign that the friendship may be in trouble."
What does a poisonous friendship look like?
1, the power is obviously unequal, you need to please, obey each other, in order to become friends
2, hot and cold, the day before is still a good friend, the day after the day is excluded
3. Be ridiculed and despised in person or behind your back
4, there are always problems to blame, leading to unconfidence and guilt, more and more disgusted with themselves
And a good friendship should look like this:
1, you can enjoy being yourself
2, when together is happy and happy
3, the other party is reliable, honest, trustworthy and reliable
Let the child compare his true feelings with the above, and believe that many children already have the answer in their hearts.
The second step is to let the child test it himself
From an early age, we must tell our children that the heart of harming others must not be there, but the heart of prevention must not be absent. How to test whether "poisonous friendship" or "true friend", the psychology professor at the University of Toronto has provided a very simple and practical method, and children can also learn to operate (in fact, it is also suitable for adults).
For example, tell the other person a bad news about you and see how the other person reacts. If the other person genuinely comforts you or finds a way to help you, then that person is a true friend. If the other party takes the opportunity to make fun of you, despise you, or even spread this bad news, then this person is a false friend.
You can also tell your friend a good news and see how the other person reacts. If the other person is really happy for you and congratulates you, then this person is also a true friend. But if the other person ridicules you and belittles you, this person is a false friend.
We can agree with the child to conduct a small test, so that the child can use this simple method to distinguish whether he is in a poisonous friendship.
The third step is to tell the child
You have the right to end a relationship on your own initiative
Children in a passive position feel abandoned when they think of not making friends with someone. This is also the reason why they obviously feel very hurt, but they are still unwilling to let go.
As a parent, if you want your child to have the courage to give up this relationship, in addition to giving your child enough love, you must also give him enough confidence.
You can tell your child:
"It's okay not to be friends with him, you'll meet new friends"
"You can decide for yourself whether or not to be friends with him"
"It doesn't matter if you feel lonely, Mom and Dad will always be with you"
"It doesn't matter if you are hated or said badly, you don't have to conspire against each other."
In the simple little world of children, they will think that friendship is everything, and they will not let go in the face of poisonous friendship, afraid of losing it and not coming back. At this time, parents need to come forward and use our life experience to tell them the truth that "flowers blossom and fall sometimes, and the origins and origins are endless", so that they understand that there will be more mellow true friendship waiting in the future.
Believe me, as long as we are properly guided, the child takes the initiative to end a friendship, and the relaxation and relief that can be felt from it is enough to offset the damage caused to them by losing this friendship.
In the process of guiding children to face the poisonous friendship and find true friendship, children will also gain independence in personality and soul, know themselves, and learn to grow.
Only when the child begins to love himself and accept his true self can he or she gain true friendship.
Is your child having social problems? Do you have any tricks?