People often say, "Things are clustered in groups, people are divided into groups", and what a person looks like can be judged by looking at his friends. For children, too, don't lose sight of your friend's influence on your child.
I remember when I was in junior high school, there was a sister group in the class, and the four girls were particularly close in the class, until one of the girls in the class had a small haircut, and the other three people immediately felt that their friendship had been abandoned, so the three people began to exclude the transferred students, deliberately slandered them, and even fought together.
The friendship between children, in addition to simplicity and beauty, like the adult world, there will be quarrels and conflicts, and there will even be isolation and exclusion, jealousy and hurt, bullying and bullying...
Occasional quarrels between friends are nothing, but "poisonous friendship" is not OK, not only can not let children experience the beauty of friendship, but will make children negative and inferior, sad and sad, affecting normal learning and life.
Friendship is important, but poisoning friendship is enough
Friendship is an indispensable part of a child's growth path.
Harris, author of "The Myth of Parenting," believes that peer groups are often the places to shape children's behavior and transform their personalities.
But in real life, children may encounter "toxic" friendships, so that the "peer effect" has a negative and negative impact on children, far more serious than the early love we fear.
How to judge which are "poisonous friendships"?
In Psychology Today in the United States, Dr. Eileen Leonard summarized several characteristics of "toxic friendships":
Children are often unhappy or even cry
Self-confidence wilts and loses interest in previously enjoyed activities
In order to make friends happy, they are ridiculed and despised
The ideas that are put forward are always not taken seriously
The lack of progress in a friendship has led to the idea of disgusting yourself
Like what:
The best friend suddenly has a "new love", so he abandons "me", "I" carefully to redeem, but to no avail;
He has always gotten along well with friends, but once he passed him on an exam, he began to alienate "me" and say bad things about "me" behind his back;
Friends always pick and choose "me", always make "I" feel landless, in order to maintain friendship, "I" always please him...
In general, in this friendship, the child is more hurt and less happy, often depressed and sad.
There is a kind of "false friend": encouraging your children to do dangerous things.
Some netizens said that his cub hit this one and did not know how to guide.
In July 2020, a community owner found himself with a girl on the roof above the protective railing. A few steps back, there is no doubt that you will die, which is very dangerous.
He went up to the roof and filmed this thrilling scene:
In the video, the older girl in blue among the three children clutches the roof railing, a few steps away, and the two 7- and 8-year-old girls in pink have no sense of safety precautions, and are still playing happily, without realizing their personal safety. In the picture, a voice of encouragement is also heard: "Let go, jump." ”
The photographer suppressed the tension and tried his best to calmly call the two girls in pink back and ask them what building they were living in.
Just when asked, the girl in blue, who was stunned for a while behind the railing, responded: "Please delete the video in your mobile phone." ”
After crossing the railing, the first move is to try to grab the phone.
The man said he would post the video to the owners' group for their parents to see.
Girl in Blue: Please delete the video on your phone.
Man: Why delete it? This is for your own good, why delete it? What if you fall down and don't die? What about your parents?
Girl in Blue: We can't fall.
Man: Impossible to fall? you......
Before the man could finish speaking, the girl began to snatch the phone.
Judging from the girl in blue herself clutching the railing and grabbing the phone, she knew that such a move was dangerous.
Regardless of the truth of the matter, thanks to the owner who appeared by chance, the tragedy was avoided.
It also makes us reflect on whether our children's safety awareness is strong enough.
A netizen said that her child was 3 years old and 10 months old, and was taken to the pool by a little girl of the same age to play, she was not at ease to follow the past, saw that the little girl encouraged other children to go to the pool to collect water, but she hid next to it.
Although the pool is not deep, it is also very dangerous for children.
She brought back her child in time and told him:
"Anyone who makes you do something dangerous can't be a good friend, and you must stay away from them."
Some netizens also recalled the experience of their daughter being fed mothballs by the child next door, "They lied to my daughter that it was sugar." "She also said that she was usually a very good friend, and she didn't expect to do such a thing, so angry that she went to a big fight."
When encountering ordinary conflicts, when the child can solve it, there is no need to intervene immediately, but in the face of more critical personal injury, we must intervene immediately, and tell the child that such a person is not your friend, and must stay away.
We usually pay more attention to find the child's abnormality in time, if the child falls into the "poisonous friendship", we must give the child guidance and relief in time.
Toxic friendship boat, turn it over
Friends are important, but stingy friendships, or not as well.
However, when helping children end their poisonous friendships, we must pay attention to methods and do not interfere rudely.
Because choosing who to make friends with is the child's own business and his important right.
And "rough interference" may also be counterproductive, easy for children to have a "Romeo and Juliet effect", that is, the more obstructive, the more solid.
So, what should we do?
● Do not label, only list objective facts, and trust the child's own judgment
Any change begins with self-awareness, and children are no exception.
So, the first step in helping a child is to make the child realize that this is a problem. At this time, it can be guided by chat.
For example, you can chat with your child like this:
Mom saw that a few times when you played together, she always said you couldn't do it well. But I think you're a good kid who works hard and is motivated. I'm curious, is that how she always gets along with her friends?
or:
Every time you are together, you have to listen to him. Do you like him to do that?
In the chat, simply describe things with objective facts, rather than directly "labeling" the other person and telling the child, "He belittled you" and "He ordered you".
Parents help their children sort out their ideas by listing the facts, so that the children can draw their own conclusions and judge whether the friendship should continue.
Our goal is not for the child to admit that he is a bad friend, but for him to make a thoughtful analysis of the relationship.
Let's never think that the child is small, and we will not analyze and judge the problems on our own.
The unlabeled way of chatting is not easy to cause children's resistance and disgust, and it is easy for children to open their hearts and let them tell us their true thoughts.
● Understand your child's inner appeal
In the process of talking about this matter with the child, we also need to pay attention to understand the child's psychological appeal from the conversation.
For example, let's look at this conversation:
Mom: "Everyone doesn't like him, why do you like to play with him?" Child: "I can encounter a lot of interesting things by playing with him, and I usually don't meet them." ”
It can be seen that the child has a need in the other party.
Information like this is enough to make us reflect on whether we have missed anything in the process of education. For example, is it that there are too many restrictions on the child, so that he can't encounter a lot of "interesting things"?
In this process, children can not only confide in themselves, but we can also find some problems in family education. When the "loophole" of the child's psychological needs is filled, he will no longer ask for it from the outside world. When they interact with friends, they will care more about equality, respect, and mutual love, and "poisonous friendship" will naturally gradually drift away.
● Help your child develop an "evacuation" plan
Finally, once the child has decided to leave this friend, the most difficult part of the matter is done.
Next, we can work with the child to develop an "evacuation" plan to help the child get out of the control of the poisonous friendship smoothly.
For example, you can use a gradual way to carry out cold treatment, by gradually reducing the time together, to slowly dilute the concentration of friendship, so that toxic friendships will fend for themselves.
Help your child make real friends
To get rid of the poisonous friendship, we also need to help the child make better friends, and don't become the "poisonous friend" who is silently abandoned.
Only by understanding the changes in the child's friendship at various stages can we better guide the child. Robert Selman, a professor of psychology, education and development at Harvard University, interviewed and studied more than 250 people ages 3 to 45. He found that throughout our lives, the knowledge and understanding of friendship is changing, which can be roughly divided into 5 overlapping stages.
Middle school students are in the mutual stage of friendship, and sharing relationships is particularly important.
In their eyes, friendship is an ongoing, intimate, loyal relationship that involves not only doing things for each other, but also possessiveness and exclusivity between friends.
So, they'll say, "He's my closest friend, and I'm really upset when I find out he's still friends with someone else."
The friendship at this time is also an interdependent relationship for them.
The child trusts and supports his friends, helps him when he needs them, and begins to learn to respect the autonomy of his friends and give them freedom.
At this stage, the child will say, "He is my friend, and I will firmly support him and help him." But I wouldn't force him, he has his own ideas and choices. As a friend, I will respect his freedom. ”
While building friendships, let children and friends learn to share and take responsibility.
Only by knowing how to share can we win more trust; learning to take responsibility can we not be attached to others and be more independent. All of this can make friendships last longer.
Remember to tell your child: True friends should be the ones who work with you to become better.
We never doubt the heart of every parent who loves their children, but when the children do things unsatisfactorily and mistakes occur, please parents can reflect on themselves in time, lead by example, correctly guide the child to develop well, and do not wait until the child is desperate for us to look back!