Watching your own child look like a lone figure is really painful. You may have tried to talk to your child about his behavior and plead with him to try a little harder in public and behave better. You may have taken him to a park or kids club he had never been to before, hoping he would make new friends.
But all these efforts often backfire and always disappoint. You may have also tried to communicate with teachers or other parents to tell them how your child was isolated or even bullied by other children. Unfortunately, this issue will not be resolved on its own. Your child wants to be friendly with others, wants to integrate into the environment, and make new friends, but they don't know how to do it.
Some children do not recognize social signals or have difficulty managing their own behavior, a condition that child development experts refer to as a lack of social skills, or a deficiency. The lack of social skills mainly refers to the inability of children's social perception and response systems to accurately interpret social signals, to understand the unspoken rules of social relationships, or to adjust their behavior according to other children's reactions or changes in social scenes. A child does not have such skills, and parents want to force and urge him to become a better playmate, which is like letting a child who has never learned to swim to the other side of a lake seems very unrealistic.
If they can do it, then naturally they will. But if the child doesn't know how to do it, the pressure will only bring them more tension and put their minds into a "fight-flight-stiffness" conditioned survival mode. This model is of no benefit to group interaction. In life, children, like us, sooner or later must learn to face the people and things around them.
1) I am "the child": lonely, helpless, ostracized
My childhood experiences gave me a deep understanding of the subject. In fifth grade, I went to a private school. The class was small, and it just so happened that most of my class was athletic boys. In addition to me, there were two other girls in the class. They were always hostile, and unfortunately, I was often the target of their cruelty. They constantly mocked me and humiliated me. The repeated tease usually occurs at lunchtime. "Caroline, come and sit with us." They have sweet voices, so I always happily accept invitations to join them. However, when I open the lunch box and put the food away, they immediately get up and leave.
During reading time, they would let me read first and then imitate my stuttering. One day, they even tricked me into going to the bathroom in the basement of the school and locked me up. The 1940s school building, made of old bricks, had heavy wooden doors and good sound insulation so no one could hear my screams and cries for help. When the teacher found out, I had been locked in the bathroom for more than half an hour.
Later, I became very sensitive to socializing, always vigilant, and even felt anxious. I'm more used to dealing with adults, who think I'm a bit "delicate and old-fashioned." In fact, at that time, I just didn't know how to communicate with other children. I don't understand why other girls are teasing me, and I get caught in their trap every time. That year, my anxiety left me vulnerable. I was afraid to go to the bathroom and would rather hold my head home.
In class, I stopped reading and talking aloud whenever I could. Like most girls my age, I pay extra attention to my image. But I avoided participating in sports and other social activities that required active participation, causing me to gain weight, become more sensitive and introverted, and become more and more miserable. My grades and self-esteem plummeted, and people became depressed.
My mother noticed my condition, but had no idea how to help me. Her communication with teachers and administrators also did not help. Later, I was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and dyslexia. At that time, people had no concept of these terms, so they didn't know what was bothering me. At the time, my parents and teachers knew nothing about learning disabilities, attention deficit/ADHD, or social skills deficits.
Social difficulties and learning disabilities made school life in my childhood very difficult. I remember thinking, "If I can't solve this problem, then I must be stupid." "If it wasn't for my mother's constant encouragement, I might have given up altogether." Later, we moved and I transferred to a new school. A teacher identified my problem and taught me to use various methods to overcome my own shortcomings and strive to integrate into the group.
In addition, she told me to pay attention to listening to other people's conversations and thinking about what I have in common with them. She also taught me how to calm down, told me to be quiet sometimes, and told me how to be more confident. Her teaching made me understand that the world would not take the initiative to adapt to me. She guided me to learn how to socialize with a group of kids. I made new friends and gradually regained my confidence. Perhaps the most important lesson I learned is that I can help myself, but I need to learn how to do it, and then I need the guidance and help of others.
2) The importance of socialization and the paradox about socialization
The lack of social skills is caused by a variety of factors. One of the most common causes is that the part of the brain that manages complex connections between social behaviors, the network of executive functions in the brain, is not developed evenly. That's the theme of this book. Executive function networks are the focal points for a variety of abilities, including attention, memory, organization, planning, other cognitive or critical thinking skills, self-regulation, metacognition (big picture, global sense), and the ability to adjust one's own behavior appropriately to the reactions of others.
These are the basic abilities that children need to do well social activities. In short, if a child's basic abilities are weak, then he has difficulty understanding and grasping social activities, and the following aspects will be problematic.
Content that is followed in a social setting
Observational understanding of friends' needs and reactions
Ways to cope with disappointment, frustration, or other emotions
The way to look at friendship
Ways to respond to changes in new or social environments
Play is the earliest and most natural way to learn. Social behavior, as the name suggests, refers to the need for children to perceive social activities, understand the relationship between people, understand how their behavior affects others, practice looking at problems from the perspective of others, and learn to get along with others in the environment of interacting with others. Kids of the past were able to make trial and error repeatedly in those old-fashioned daily games, and they had more opportunities to learn these skills than children today.
In recent years, the reduction in free time has deprived children of the opportunity to spend time together and make friends. Children who have problems with executive function are particularly affected because they do not have the opportunity to adjust themselves and gradually find the right way to get along with others. In an environment where they can only participate in the game if they are invited, children who are not good at socializing or who do not get along well will be left out in the cold, and the result will only make it more difficult for them to keep up with the growth of their peers. As the gap widens, these children are often socially isolated. It's a paradox that children who need to interact with people the most in play are the least likely to have the opportunity to play with people. This complicates the challenges faced by those children and their parents.
Many children who lack social skills are very intelligent or extremely talented in some other field, such as sports, math, or music. Social skills are just one of a variety of abilities. Unfortunately, these children pay a high price for this in childhood. They pay a greater price when they reach adolescence and adulthood, because social skills are critical in interpersonal communication and the workplace.
Like other skills, social skills can be developed. Scientific studies have found that children with social difficulties can learn to interact effectively with others in a social environment by consistently participating in activities that improve their social skills. That is, no matter how hopeless the current situation makes you feel, your child's social difficulties cannot be overcome. With your help, your child can build social awareness, improve their abilities related to executive function, learn to make friends and maintain friendships. This is at the heart of social skills training and why social skills training is so important for you and your child.
As someone who used to struggle very socially, I understand the pain very well. Now, as a mother, I understand better the dilemmas faced by parents of children with social problems. For those of you who are new to this topic and the social skills training program, I hope you will remain optimistic. Things can get better, and once your child masters the art of change, change will happen.
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