In the first few months of birth, a child will go through the stage of a monistic relationship, in which the child feels that there is only himself in the world and no one else, and that he, like a magician, is omnipotent.
After the monistic relationship stage, the child also goes through a stage called a "symbiotic relationship.". So what really happened from the "monistic relationship" to the "symbiotic relationship"? Let's start with the history of a baby's upbringing.
We pull the camera back to the little baby who feels like a magician, who is lying very comfortably on the cot, and then suddenly, he feels a twitch in his stomach, his whole body tenses, and he is instantly surrounded by the feeling of hunger, at this time, there is no doubt that he will cry.
But my mother, who was in the kitchen, didn't hear him crying. Then the little magician found out: Eh? Why didn't the magic work this time? I usually eat enough when I cry, but today I cried for a long time and couldn't eat enough. He suddenly realized that it didn't seem like I could eat enough to cry, and I wasn't that strong. Such an experience was tantamount to a setback in his growing up.
Some people may be a little worried when they hear the word "setback", especially if this setback also occurs in their own children. But in fact, we say that a person's growth, including the growth of the psychological level, actually comes from setbacks. We can think of it, if a baby, he is hungry and can eat immediately, sleep immediately can sleep, then such a life is simply too good, he does not experience a little setback, then he will not have any need and motivation to grow.
So, when a baby is a little older, say, about 6 months, of course, this is a rough time, each child will have differences, then at this time to start to experience delayed feeding appropriately, experience a little frustration, is very necessary.
Because when he slowly, after many, many such setbacks, he will find that he has to rely on another person to eat enough. This is the beginning of attachment. An attachment relationship can only develop when we are aware that another person exists. From this time on, the baby enters the second stage of growth,
This is what we call the stage of the symbiotic relationship. Symbiosis means that although the baby is aware of the existence of another person in this world, I am one with that person, I have you, you have me.
At this stage, the baby will project the feeling that I am the most powerful to his mother, and he will feel that the mother is the most perfect and powerful in the world, a process called idealization. Babies will feel that even if I don't say it, my mother knows what I want, she knows I'm hungry when I'm hungry, she knows I'm cold when I'm cold, and she's going to come and satisfy me, and you see how good she is.
And then who does she love, the most powerful person in the world? She loves me. This will make the baby feel: I am good, I am worthy of love. This is a very important stage in the baby's growth process.
In life, we will see some adults, because they have experienced some trauma in the stage of symbiotic relationship, for example, the mother was because of the relationship between work, or because the elderly in the family suddenly fell ill and needed to be taken care of, etc., in short, ignored the child, then after the child grows up, may always want to find that feeling of symbiosis, want to find the feeling that you have me, I have you.
Just like in many romance TV series, we will see such a bridge, for example, a girl has a cold at home to rest, she especially hopes that her boyfriend can come to see her after work, and in her imagination, the boyfriend should be holding cold medicine in his left hand and appearing at her door with porridge and fruit in his right hand.
But such a need, girls will not tell their boyfriends, for example: "I am very uncomfortable, you come over from work, help me bring some medicine." "Instead, I think my boyfriend should understand everything." Then when the boyfriend doesn't do it, the girl starts to sulk and says to the boyfriend, "You don't know what I want!" ”
At this time, the boy began to have a question mark on his face, did not know what was happening, and may reply: "You don't say how do I know what you want?" "Is this scene very familiar?"
Usually then the girl will say, "If you understand me, you don't need me to say it; if I don't say it, you don't know what I want?" What does it mean to say it? And so on.
That kind of bridge really not only appears in the TV series, I have also encountered in the consultation, some clients in the childhood, her idealized parents did not give her enough response, and then she has always carried this knot, has been looking for idealized parents, of course, looking for idealized parents is a psychological need.
Judging from the externalized performance, she may always want to find a husband who understands her completely, and can do the kind that she understands in seconds, but such requirements are really too high, so she may constantly quarrel with her husband because of disappointment, or even cheat to find another person. This is one manifestation that a person may experience trauma during the symbiotic relationship stage and then become an adult.
Now we know that a little baby needs to experience a little frustration to realize that there is a mother in this world, and to develop from the stage of monistic relationship to the stage of symbiotic relationship. But if the setbacks he experiences are too great, it will cause him psychological trauma. This sounds like a dilemma, what should parents do?
Here we will mention a concept called "good enough mother", which was proposed by the object psychologist Winnicott. Some translations are called "60-point mom."
If the 100-point mother is the kind of mother who will not let the child experience setbacks at all, and the 0-point mother is the mother who ignores the child and makes the child psychologically traumatized, then the 60-point mother is actually just right, which can not only let the child experience a little setback, but also ensure the child's mental health.
Let me give you an example of what a 0-point, 60-point, and 100-point mom looks like.
For example, a child climbs on his own to the chair and can't get down, and then starts to cry, and a 0-point mother is, completely unresponsive to this cry, even if the child has cried until the throat is dumb, the mother still does not appear;
The 60-minute mother is like this, maybe when the child is crawling on the chair, she is not around the child, but when she hears the child's crying, she will rush over to pick up the child and soothe it, and the process may take a minute or two.
What about the 100-point mom? A 100-point mom wouldn't have let that happen! She will always be by the child's side and bring the child back when he is close to the chair.
After a lot of research, it was found that mothers with 60 points were more likely to raise children with mental health. Why? We can look at it from 2 aspects.
First of all, a 60-point mother can let the child experience a little frustration, for example, the child will experience delayed feeding, not eating milk immediately when hungry, or climbing into the chair and not getting down, and then feeling anxious and afraid.
But she will certainly go to comfort the child and meet the needs of the child before she cries hysteria, or before she encounters real danger. In such a process, the child not only experiences setbacks, but also feels the safety of being protected by his mother.
Slowly, when this child encounters difficulties, he will have a belief in his heart, that is, I will definitely get through the difficulties, and he has enough security in his heart, which is one aspect.
That's another aspect, a 60-point mom, she won't ask herself to stare at her child 24 hours a day, put 100% of her energy into the child, she will have her own life.
Of course, if the child is just a few months old, then the mother takes care of the child wholeheartedly, and it is no problem to be a 90-point, or even 100-point mother, but as the child grows up, the mother will slowly decrease from the state of 100 points, and can leave a little space between the child.
For example, by the time the child is 2 years old, you can be a 70-point, 80-point mother, and when the child goes to kindergarten, it may become a 60-point mother, and slowly spend more energy on yourself. In this way, the child will know that everyone is independent and should have their own life and their own happiness. This is important for the development of a child's personality level.