When it comes to generational parenting, these questions are certainly no stranger to you:
These parenting concepts are useful, but the grandmother at home brings, and the concept is not uniform and cannot be implemented;
I have been making unpleasant meals for my children several times, and I always chase after the food and can't watch it
Teammates can still communicate, the old man really disagrees too much...
There are so many problems with generational parenting, what can I do to remedy them?
When Little D was young, I had high requirements for taking a baby, which was also almost paranoid, and every time I returned home, it was inevitable that there would be a fierce conflict with my parents or in-laws that did not conform to the concept of parenting.
Now that I have returned to China, there are also times when I need the old man to take the hand and carry the baby, but I rarely struggle with this aspect of the problem.
Intergenerational parenting communication is not smooth, it is the same as a lot of screwing, confusion, entanglement we encounter in life, what we need in our hearts is to find a way to make everyone comfortable, then we need to have a plan, a strategy, not a blind complaint and hostility.
01
Do your own "signboard" and "speak" with factual effects
The first is to think clearly, whether there is a choice.
If you really can't choose, need to work, and have no time to take the baby personally, then the mother herself can't be lazy, really spend her mind to arm herself with scientific parenting knowledge and practice it herself:
Do you want to go barefoot?
Do not intervene when playing with toys seriously to protect your child's concentration
Eating carefully and not feeding is to eat more steadily in every meal in the future
Open crotch pants cannot be worn
There is no need to urinate the too early and so on
These "basics" of parenting must be clear to everyone now, and what we need to do is to trust our own judgment and personally implement them.
Use strength to "speak", when the people who cooperate with you with the baby, see your determination and efforts as a mother, they are also at ease to let go, and also try to minimize the opportunity for the elderly to "intervene".
No matter how unpleasant everyone is in the specific small things, in fact, our starting point is the same: love the child the same, want to be good for the child, and do not become want to "win" the other party forgot our original intention.
02
Translate parenting principles into "enforceable" actions
Every time I need to go out and put the little D to my family, like many people, I am afraid that if I leave my own hands, my family will break all kinds of good habits that I have so hard to establish, so I will break a lot of parenting principles.
but! finish! whole! not! use!
Later, my husband directly replied to me, really brought up the baby, which remembers so much ah.
I realized that I had already internalized a lot of parenting principles, so I thought it was particularly simple, and it might be difficult for others. Therefore, I changed my strategy this time, no longer telling some parenting principles, but sharing such a few words, you can also try.
1. The law of dividing the boundaries: "This is Little D's own business!" ”
We Chinese are deeply influenced by Confucian culture and will lack the awareness of "boundaries". In the matter of taking a baby, we are more likely to constantly cross the line in the name of love.
I would tell my family that when they wanted to help Little D, they might as well stop and say it to her and give her a chance to try it herself.
In fact, this sentence is not only said to children, but more to ourselves. When we say this, we are reminding ourselves of "boundaries."
When we were young, we felt that the children were small, and many things were replaced; when we grew up, we would continue to be uneasy, so we would often hear such complaints, I did not like this profession, and my parents wanted me to read. I wanted to go to work in XX City, but my family wouldn't let me.
Consciously setting boundaries from an early age is a shift in our parents' thinking. This is not only exercising the child's independence, but also asking us to be parents rather than nannies.
2. When encountering difficulties, provide assistance instead of acting as an agent
What about encountering something that your child really can't do?
Support kids to do it themselves. There are two particularly important keywords here: help, yourself.
I often see such parents in early education classes or playgrounds, in order to encourage children to try projects that they dare not try, one by one, they say, "You go, it's okay, you can, try it!" "The more you encourage it, the tighter your child grasps his parents."
Why? Because the child herself has an assessment of her abilities, they can know that what her parents want her to do is beyond her ability (or just because she hasn't tried it before, she doesn't have the confidence that she can do it).
Such parents do understand that they want their children to do it "on their own", but they forget that the role of parents is to "help".
So I never said to Little D, "You go and try," but rather "Let's try."
This one-word difference reflects a completely different attitude, and I let Little D know that it is indeed a little difficult, but Mom will help you to complete it, and Mom believes that you can do it.
3, emotional problems: reassurance - I know you are sad, I accompany you until you calm down.
In the early growth of children, the most headache may be the problem of crying, every time as long as little D cries, the family will change the way to coax, is to hope that she can not cry.
Children are also very "refined", seeing that their families are "showing weakness", they immediately understand how to "manipulate" the people who love them the most.
It's so normal that we as adults also have emotional ups and downs throughout the day, as well as moments of joy and depression. But put it on the child, many of us adults will unconsciously not allow the child to cry.
I have seen my nephew, crying, all six adults in the family surrounded him for the first time, some performing and dancing, some taking toys, some feeding snacks, and some saying "Cry Grandpa doesn't like it anymore", but no one understands why the child is crying.
Understanding children is much more important than not crying.
When the child is crying, try to understand her emotions and say to him, "I know you're sad/angry/depressed"
Helping children recognize their emotions by naming emotions also gives us a buffer time to understand what is wrong with the child.
Emotions need a period of time to digest themselves, give the child time to let her experience her emotions, that is to say, when the child cries, we just need to accompany it quietly, let them know that they are safe, and they can cry happily.
All comfort or education is done when the child is finished crying and calming down.
This is the common "method" I use when I encounter parenting disagreements, and the feedback used is to be much simpler and easier than the previous few times I nagged that many parenting principles are easier and easier for my family to implement.
Many times it is also possible that we ourselves do not really understand these big truths, vaguely speaking to the family, and the family listening to it is half-understood, then naturally it will not be able to be implemented.
Next time, when you want to share it with your family, you may wish to be a translator first, and turn the difficult and written parenting principles into such a grounded "how to say".
Generational parenting, different concepts will definitely exist, different families have their own unspeakable "troubles" and "reality", so every time I share this topic, I know that the effect on solving everyone's practical problems is "limited".
But I would say that if a warm, harmonious family atmosphere is a real desire in your heart, try to make a change yourself.
If we can't change the reality, it is better to change our attitude to this problem, change our communication skills, control what we can control, change what we can change, affect what we can influence, and instill a more scientific concept in all directions to both parents, come on!