周六晚上十一点多，同事发来微信，让我明天帮她做一个ppt，在周一早上之前发到她的微信上，她明天有急事出门没办法完成。
但那一天，我想了想还是拒绝了：“抱歉啊！ 我周末有约，这次没法帮你了。 ”
如果在半年前，我会讨好般毫不犹豫地回复：“没问题”。
但是看似简短的一段话，我反反复复的读着，修改者着，却几乎用尽了我所有的勇气。
脑海中不禁浮现了热播剧《女心理师》中讨好者小莫的形象。
01
In the play, Xiao Mo not only does not know how to reject others, but even flatters others.
In the workplace, a colleague gave him a plan and needed his help, and he replied without hesitation: "Good." His own work was not completed, and he worked overtime to help others catch up with the plan. This plan was finally affirmed by the leader, who praised the colleague, and the colleague only cared about patting the horse's ass, in fact, the colleague did nothing, and also got the unanimous praise of the leader and other colleagues, without mentioning Xiao Mo.
一次，他冒着大雨赶到公司，刚下电梯，还没有回过神，只见手机的提示音，有同事在群里要他帮忙买咖啡。
看着自己湿透了的衣服，狼狈的样子，虽然他的心里有一万个不愿意，可即便如此，他还是选择了返回楼下去买咖啡。
Colleagues like to ask him for help, and all kinds of messy things want to push him...
And he puts the needs of others above himself.
He thought that he could get the recognition and help of his colleagues by doing so much.
But the fact is that when everyone was having dinner, they temporarily changed places, but no one informed him, and he went to the barber shop to do a hairstyle for the dinner, and he did not know how to refuse, spending hundreds of dollars.
As a result, he rushed to the empty room alone, and his mood was terrible, and the next day he still apologized for bringing milk tea to each colleague.
Although, on the surface, he got along well with everyone and had a good relationship, only God knows how bad his mood was.
Eventually, he found the counseling room and, under Horton's guidance, listened to his innermost feelings and broke the spell of flattering personality. Now that he's got a job, he's starting over, and he's become positive and optimistic, not having to feel guilty about pleasing others.
02
Flattering personality: A personality that blindly pleases others and ignores one's own feelings is a potentially unhealthy pattern of behavior, rather than a personality disorder.
The so-called flattering personality, proposed by Japanese psychologist Ichiro Kishimi in "The Courage to Be Hated", is a degree of behavior patterns that are recognized and recognized, and account for a high proportion of the population.
Its manifestations are characterized by:
- Especially sensitive to the feelings of others
- Exalt others and demean yourself
- Afraid to make a request, it is difficult to refuse others
- Lack of boundaries and principles
………
In fact, many people's "flattering personality" is because of the kindness in their hearts. But the kindness of wronging yourself may only be a humble flattery in the eyes of others, and you have only become an object of arbitrary bullying.
Some people's personality characteristics are habitually taking the initiative to apologize, pandering to others, not having their own principles, not knowing how to refuse, afraid of causing trouble to others, suffering silently, and having low self-esteem and fearing the negative evaluation of others.
In fact, you don't have to please anyone. Because your life is not for pleasing others.
But so was I once was.
03
The famous psychotherapist Hellinger mentioned in "It's Not Your Fault": "The emergence of flattering behavior patterns comes from childhood trauma. ”
When I was a child, my parents divorced and I grew up with my grandparents, and although my grandparents loved me a lot, there were many children in the family.
I am not a top performer, I am not very smart, and I dare not provoke trouble, so I rarely get attention.
Therefore, from a young age, I was sensitive and inferior, habitually denied myself, habitually pleased others, and felt that I could get attention and get more people's likes.
Actually, not really.
I try to please adults, to please my cousins, to make everyone happy, so that I can be happy. And all the aunts will say that I am the eldest grandson in the family, and the focus of all the Buddhas is on me. Actually, no, on the contrary, I leave the good to them because I want more attention and go to please them.
At school, I also habitually curry favor with my classmates. I think that if you want to be "safe", you have to make the people around you happy.
So, help them with their homework, see the teacher when they sleep in class, help them make unreasonable demands, and help them run errands to buy things.
由于童年的创伤，他们的一个表情、一个句话、一个眼神，我都会思考和揣摩其中的意义，生怕哪一件事做得不好，会惹他们不开心。
长久以来，我练就了一身讨别人欢喜本领，而压抑了自己的感受，照顾了别人，自己心中十分不爽。 但我却不敢表露，我害怕他们讨厌我，抛弃我。 这样我会觉得我的人生芭比Q了。
04
Later, after I realized my "not very hard" personality in college, and after I came into contact with psychology, I consciously changed myself and tried to reject some unreasonable needs of others. Finally, slowly come out of the flattering personality and listen to your feelings.
If your feelings are detained for a long time, it can also cause harm to yourself and others.
On the contrary, I am happier and more comfortable than before, and I have also received the attention and recognition of others, and I myself am more cheerful and lively.
Ichiro Kishimi wrote in "The Courage to Be Hated" that living in assumptions such as "what if" cannot be changed at all.
If I don't change myself, I worry about how I can't change myself if I reject others.
If the flatterer can't really learn to say no, while losing himself, he also becomes the object of arbitrary bullying by others, and he will also be hated by others. Because if you don't have the ego, you will lose the principle.
Among the female psychologists, Qian Kaiyi's colleague, Xiaoli, said: "You can't understand, can't empathize, because you are not the party who was hurt, but how can you be sure that you have not hurt others." 」
05
If you are also a flattering personality, if you want to change yourself, if you want to reject others, but you are not good at rejecting others. Try it from the following three aspects:
- 心理暗示：
积极的心理暗示，say no是每一个人的应有的权利。
When others make a request, you feel that it is unreasonable, you can first make a psychological suggestion, I can refuse, because this is my legitimate right. Think also:
1.如果我拒绝会怎么样呢？ 害怕、担心还是焦虑？
2. If these fears happen as they were supposed to, what about the worst outcome?
3.这些真的是我不可承受的吗？
After psychological construction, let yourself slowly and consciously refuse. Even if you can't get your wish, don't be frustrated, and then consciously refuse every time, step by step close to your own psychological expectations (what you expect in your heart), and when you have the first rejection, you will reap more rejections.
You can also hint at yourself or after thinking clearly, directly cut off, and bluntly refuse.
I believe that people who truly treat you as friends will absolutely understand you and support you.
- 自我关怀
If you can't change your childhood, it's better to accept it. So, what about the worst outcome? He has passed, has become history. What you have to do is take responsibility for your feelings, for your emotions, for your own trauma.
When you've experienced emotional neglect since childhood, you may put other people's wishes ahead of your own. If growing up, the way your parents treated you was any kind of emotional neglect, then it's likely that you won't value your own pleasure and entertainment as an adult.
There is only one option to change, and that involves putting your own feelings first.
Learn to pay attention to your emotions, care for your feelings, care for yourself, be confident and peaceful.
The first principle of confidence and peace is that anyone has the right to reject someone without giving a reason.
If everyone could refuse the unreasonable demands of others, the boundaries between people would be clearer and useless guilt would be avoided.
If you find it difficult to feel guilty about rejecting others, you may want to find a book on psychology to read and try to calm your guilt.
- Ask for help
The poet Hermann Hesse once said: "The most dangerous period and the greatest harm to the soul is to meditate on one's character and situation all day long, and to bear one's own dissatisfaction and weakness alone." ”
In fact, many times you can talk to friends or parents, talk about your heart, and express your thoughts from the heart, so you are not so afraid.
I was serious about communicating with my rejected classmates, expressing my feelings, and giving reasons for the rejection, not expecting her to understand me. Later, we became friends and came out to play together from time to time.
其实经过从认知到行为上的尝试实践与改变，现在的我感觉内心变得稍微强大了一些，很少再会感受到自己被忽视，自己很压抑，而且从关系中获得的正向反馈也激励我更有勇气去拒绝不正当的要求。
Write at the end:
1. Feel neglected and don't know how to refuse. If you don't recognize and accept yourself, you are actually afraid to face the weakest self in your heart, which is the root cause. Often the root cause is from childhood experiences, and these childhood experiences are expressed through the current behavior, and are often the root of a later behavior. If you don't change yourself, you may have unpredictable consequences.
2. To solve this behavioral problem, in the end, you still have to rely on yourself, actively hint at yourself, care for yourself, what is the worst outcome, is it really unbearable, and if it really happens, what?
For the rest of your life, may you accept yourself and treat yourself well; do not please others, do not have to wronged yourself; dare to refuse, and fulfill yourself.
Your support is my hope, and your praise is my strength. Even if loneliness turns into a sea, let us comfort each other with words.