Antidepressant 8 years: On the ruins of the spirit, gather up the fragments of the light of hope Hello everyone, I am an orange! My friends call me that ~ I am a woman who has been fighting #depression for nearly 8 years

Antidepressant 8 years: On the ruins of the spirit, gather bits and pieces of the light of hope

Hello everyone, I'm An Orange! Friends call me that ~ I am a girl who has been fighting #depression for nearly 8 years.

Wouldn't everything be better if I hadn't gotten sick?

Before I got sick, I was admitted from my hometown to a state no. 2 middle school by my own ability, and I was a proud protégé in the mouth of an English tutor. I am tall, thin, and my appearance is ok, and I am the kind of person who enters the hospital and the patients can't figure out why they are hospitalized. I can't figure it out myself, and I still think about it repeatedly, if I hadn't been sick, would everything have been better, or if I had committed suicide at that time, would it have been better? If you are not sick, have a high education, learn modeling, find excellent boyfriends, etc... How wonderful everything looks! If I commit suicide, my family will not want to die, but time will always go forward, it will be slowly forgotten, and I have left this hellish torture, such a choice, it seems good?

In junior high school, some small things piled up

I have been a relatively introverted girl since I was a child, I do not like to take the initiative, and I have never taken the initiative to raise my hand in class, but as long as the teacher asks to stand up and answer, I will definitely be able to answer. Elementary school playmates, only two have kept in touch, but thankfully, we've always had a great relationship. They stayed with me all the way, which is something I am grateful for.

When I first arrived at the new school to register, none of my classmates knew each other, and I watched them find their friends one by one, get acquainted, and several people formed a small circle, and I could only stand there, overwhelmed. This scene will still appear in my dreams, and the feeling of being at a loss is so deep that I can't breathe. Fortunately, as the days went on, I had a few friends, and I was less lonely alone.

One day, in a math class, the teacher asked to go on stage to give a lecture, but at that time the arrangement was wrong, and I was given an unprepared problem, although I was very nervous at the time, but I still had a hard scalp. At first, it was very smooth, there was no bit of caton, suddenly a word was wrong, the teacher corrected me, and my head went blank, I couldn't say anything, I didn't know what I said, and the audience laughed. I was in tears, scolded by the teacher, and at that moment I was desperate, smiling faces, extremely ugly, and hatred grew in my heart. After a few days, it was better again, but I didn't know that it was the #Darkness before dawn.

Later, I specifically talked to my #psychological # counselor about this matter, he used hypnotic methods to make me replay the scene, surprised to find that there was a memory error, saw that the classmates at that time were not laughing at me, but laughing at another classmate who did the wrong question, I was deceived by this error for a long time, but still unbelievable, so the counselor let me pick up a glass of water, let me hold it until my hands were sore, he said, "The inner baggage is more tiring than this cup of water."

A few days later, in another Language class, I was pulled to the podium by the collar because I was talking to my tablemates, saying that he had a good relationship with the principal and that he did not want to go to his office and sit down. I also threw up questions and asked me what "Pearl Necklace" said, which is a question of super-program, fortunately I have seen "Lamb Fat Ball" and it is not difficult to succeed. He offered to talk about the scrolls, and I was stunned, so I rushed down the podium and tore my papers.

He was tricked into going to the hospital by his brother

I thought it would be good to graduate like this, but when I was in high school, I wrote an assignment to thank a stranger, which was over-interpreted by my mother. I had a hand injury at the time, and many strangers helped me a lot, so I was very touched and wrote. (I can't remember exactly what conflict with my mother because of my homework) But somehow I ushered in the first slap of the 14th year, I had a big fight with my mother, she cried, I cried. My world began to be unconsciously empty, and I carried a body of hardship and lamentation, and there was nothing to hide. Everything I had experienced before seemed to be awakened. The breakdown, despair rushed into my heart, so I took sleeping pills and prepared to end it all. Just lay like this for seven days and seven nights, did not eat or drink, and did not report smoothly to God.

Under my brother's "deception", I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with a major depressive episode. The doctor suggested hospitalization, I agreed, I am not afraid of death, or afraid of your "mental hospital"? Just entering the hospital, it is the intensive care unit, the glass house, no privacy, no door locks. The people outside are noisy, it is really "the sorrows and joys of human beings are never connected, I just think they are noisy". After contact, I found that there were so many people like me, and some of them couldn't help themselves. Every day when I take medicine, treatment, eat, and sleep, I seem to live a very regular life, so regular that no one sees it. There is a devil in my mind, he will teach me to hurt myself in the most cruel way, the people around me, but also know my weaknesses, I will fall into it from time to time, can not get out, this #pain # feeling, 24 hours a day pestering me, even bathing, sleeping will have, really afraid of him, and very helpless...

Not long after I was discharged from the hospital, I chose to continue to return to school, because no matter how long I was sick, I was very unhappy, including now, the counselor has said, "Thank you for your unwillingness", I am really touched. After returning, it was not as easy as I thought, and in order not to let myself doze off in class, I bought mint sticks, pinched myself, and bit myself. Even so, it has changed from the ninth place in the original class to the first to the last. Such a blow is very painful, especially for people who can learn well. Then every day insomnia, dreaming of exams, brain fatigue, and recurrence. I'm going to be in the hospital again, alas

The condition is repeated

After that, I experienced repeated illnesses, went to learn yoga instructors, couldn't remember asanas, didn't understand dissection, and repeatedly. Until this year met the good mood platform, online contact doctor, I learned that I was not bipolar disorder, but depression plus obsessive-compulsive disorder, the right medicine, the effect is very good. During this period, I also did psychological counseling many times, hypnosis, I told the counselor the secret hidden in my heart, at first I was resistant in my heart, I didn't want outsiders to see such a terrible side of myself, just like when I first got sick, I chose not to say it, because I felt that I could digest it, and I didn't want others to think that I was incompetent and unbearable

I don't know what the road ahead holds, but I'm not going to give up hope and hope. Even if you experience disappointments, just try to experience these ups and downs! Don't be discouraged by little cuties like me! I crawled out of #Purgatory, it was hard, but I couldn't go back.