Author | Qian Zhiliang
Source | Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
There is a public welfare video in Taiwan:
The program team conducted a real test of several groups of families to see how people hurt their loved ones when they were not in a good mood.
I took one of the passages to share with you:
In the video, the two children call to ask their father when they can come to the shooting scene, and the father pretends to be busy and "in a bad mood" according to the requirements of the program group:
"I'm busy, what do you want to do?"
"It's over when it's over!"
"Can't wait a minute?"
Hearing Dad's impatient answer, the children instantly erupted in grievances and burst into tears.
Such scenes are not uncommon in our lives.
Today's parents, life pressure is generally very large, busy work, busy family, in the day-to-day, boring and tedious life, the most likely to lose is the patience for children:
Before coaxing him to sleep, he did all kinds of things;
Send him to school, grind and rub for half a day to go out;
Accompanying homework is even more chicken flying dog jump...
These moments can easily make us hysterical, and patience gradually becomes a scarce commodity.
In today's article, we will talk about how to reduce the harm of impatience to children.
When you're impatient with your child, think about the following three sentences.
"Impatient, is that I don't understand children"
There is a story circulating on the Internet:
There was a mother who took her child to the party, and she thought that the child would love this lively occasion.
But contrary to what she expected, the child was not happy at all here, and even a little scared, clamoring to go out.
Mom doesn't understand how the usual most playful child can reject this beautiful and lively place.
She repeatedly comforted the child, but the child was clamoring to go home, sitting on the ground crying, and even losing his shoes.
Finally she also lost patience, yelled at the child, watched the child hunch over his head, sighed, and crouched down to put on his shoes.
At the moment of squatting down, she suddenly understood the child.
All that was dangling in front of her eyes were the ass and legs of adults, where there was food and beauty.
It turns out that from the child's point of view, you see a completely different world from adults.
This incident touched me a lot.
Sometimes we feel that children are annoyed, it is completely a matter of perspective, do not stand in their point of view, do not see the needs of children.
So we don't understand why the child cries at every turn, why he must be hugged by an adult in an unfamiliar environment, and why he suddenly clings to something.
Because you don't understand him, irritability comes especially quickly.
A friend was isolated from home for a while because of the epidemic, which was the longest period of time he had been at home since he had children.
Whenever he works in front of the computer, his 6-year-old son comes to him from time to time, one will let him turn on the TV, the other will let him fix the toys.
Once or twice it was fine, but after a long time, he ran out of patience, killed his son, and shut him out of the door by the way, ignoring him and crying sadly outside the door.
In the evening, the wife reproached: "You don't know how happy you are at home and your son is." ”
This sentence made him feel guilty.
He gradually understood that the child's repeated and deliberate interruptions were actually just trying to attract his attention and long for his love and companionship.
When we want to be angry with our children, practice pause first, even if it is only 1 minute, we must learn to judge the needs of the child.
When you crouch down to look at his questions from the height of a child, the actions that make you feel angry have answers.
"Impatient, I'm too tired myself"
I believe that everyone has such an experience: we are in a good mood, and the patience with children will also rise.
Patience and mood are positively correlated.
Sometimes we are impatient with children, not because children are too annoying, but because there is a problem with the emotions of adults.
For example, if a child asks you to tell him a story, you are upset, and you will not want to ignore him: "Go around, don't bother me, busy." ”
If you put it in normal times, you will think: "Children want to read, that is a good thing." ”
When the adults themselves cannot get rid of their negative emotions, drag their tired bodies back home, and see the grinding children, it is easy to explode.
As one saying goes, "Mom isn't bad tempered, she's just too tired." ”
The more tired you are, the easier it is to get out of control of your child.
Many parents have had moments when they feel guilty after yelling at their children.
The emergence of this "guilt" is not only the heartache of the child, but also the understanding in our hearts:
"It's not all the child's fault, we're overreacting."
In a situation like this, the best way for parents to learn to take care of themselves, you may need to talk, you need help, you need to rest, in short, find a way to make yourself happy and find an outlet for your pressure.
Only then will you have more energy to take care of your child and you will become patient.
As Ronalena writes in Don't Yell, Don't Scream: How to Calmly Let Your Kids Work with Their Parents:
Parenthood is an art that needs to be improvised, there are no certain rules, it is always changing.
As long as your child's discipline is centered on his physical and emotional needs, as long as you can always take care of your own thoughts, emotions and breathing,
Well, with a little luck, you can raise a healthy and happy child.
"When I'm impatient,
The kid won't hate me, but he'll hate himself."
When a father tutors his child with math homework, the child in turn soothes his emotions.
He was about to explode on the verge of writing, and his son looked at him pitifully and "encouraged":
"Dad, don't yell at me."
"Babies can write, they can write."
"Wow, applause Daddy..."
The child's pleasing eyes are very painful.
In fact, this is the true manifestation of children when they feel the impatience of their parents, they are very afraid, very afraid, and even careful to please their parents.
Miraculously, this impatience does not incur hatred from the child, but rather the child's suspicion of himself:
"I've annoyed my parents."
"Definitely I'm not good enough."
"I don't deserve my mother's attention."
Because what children feel from their parents' impatience is a deep "sense of rejection.".
As the psychologist Fairbairn said:
When a child is treated badly by his parents, he or she tends to think that he is bad in order to maintain the intention that his parents are good.
In this world, there is only one person who is unconditionally tolerant of you, and that is the child.
He loves his parents with all his strength, and even if you don't love him, he will love you.
Parents should not live up to this tolerance.
When you have that nameless fire in your heart for your child, try to think about your child's unreserved love and dependence on you.
Love always makes people's hearts soft.
If you like today's article, remember to click "watching" and give your child a little more patience in the future!
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Author: Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs), dedicated to providing parents with professional and practical parenting knowledge and concepts. Note: All images come from the Internet, if there is any infringement, please contact.