The essence of entanglement between people and people lies in the assumption of emotions that do not belong to them.
This is mostly true of relationships with children, partners, or friends.
Once involved or involved in their emotions, we become its "passive bearers."
Author | Tianya
Editor-in-charge | Chen Shen shen
I believe that many parents have encountered this situation:
The child suddenly loses his temper because of a small matter, and cries and makes a big fuss;
If it is more serious, it will even drop things and hit people with their hands.
At this time,
If you compromise and coax him, you will most likely repeat the same trick next time.
And if you suppress the child, the child may be afraid of you and dare not rebel again, but he will privately spread his anger elsewhere.
For example, bullying weak younger siblings and attacking elderly grandparents.
It seems that no matter what you do, the child's bad temper just can't be completely dissolved.
At this point, is there a better way?
01
Before answering this question, let's take a look:
Why doesn't your method work?
In the first case, suppose you choose to compromise.
You cater to and satisfy according to your child's requirements.
Then in this "battle", he wins, you lose.
From the middle of the child will form a feeling:
Attack is omnipotent and can make me "strong."
Since then, he has become accustomed to using aggression to "rob" everything he wants.
In the second case, suppose you don't compromise, but in turn make the child compromise by reprimanding and reasoning.
Because of the jealousy of your authority, the child will admit his mistakes and will make so-called corrections.
But in the process of being "subdued", he will also have a feeling:
Attack is omnipotent and can tame the "weak.".
He identifies with you, and at the same time will learn the way you tame him, to tame others.
To put it bluntly, it is to transfer aggression to others and specifically bully the "weak" in the relationship.
And when there is no "weak person" around, he may once again face you and launch a passive attack.
That is, to use negative, bad, and covert ways to vent emotions, such as procrastination, perfunctory, non-cooperation, etc., in order to "attack" you.
Like a little girl who is urged by her strong mother to write her homework, she is very disgusted in her heart, but she does not dare to express it directly.
As a result, she would "attack" her anxious mother by deliberately miscalculating simple math problems again and again.
At first, moms may feel incredible:
"These are all questions you will have, how can they be wrong so much?"
Slowly, the mother will become more and more impatient, more and more angry, and finally even jump like thunder, so that the relationship will fall into a vicious circle.
Through the above analysis, it is not difficult to find:
In the face of children's attacks, whether it is "compromise" or "strong taming", it will actually promote children's desire to attack.
Why is that?
Because you are "caught up" in the world of children.
You are forced to compete with him in your child's territory and constantly entangle with him, which further stimulates the child's desire to attack.
02
Understanding this, and then talking about "how to do", it will be clear:
Refuse to get involved, refuse to get entangled with your child's emotions.
How do you do that?
Let me give you an example.
The child made a small mistake at school and was criticized by the teacher in public.
When you get home, he throws a tantrum at you and refuses to write your homework.
How should this be dealt with?
You have 2 ways to deal with it:
The first, as a "participant" posture -
Step into your child's world and help him deal with the problems of the moment.
For example, he was coaxed into good words, agreed to all kinds of requests he made, and begged him to obediently write his homework.
Or keep reasoning, suppressing the child's emotions, and forcefully ordering homework.
In this way, it is easy to get overly involved in the child's world and promote his aggression, as mentioned earlier.
The second way of dealing with it is to take the posture of a "bystander" -
Simply see the child's current emotions, do not intervene.
For example, calmly respond to him:
"I feel like you're angry and seem to be targeting me."
When many children hear this sentence, their first reaction is often denial.
"I didn't, I'm just afraid you won't be able to hear me, and I'm talking a little louder."
At this time, don't rush to argue, don't rush to expose, just listen to him quietly.
Maybe he'll admit it to you,
Maybe he's not going to explain anything to you.
That's okay. We don't need to step in to help him solve the problem.
It is enough to simply see his emotions and be with him.
The next thing you will find is that the moment your child's emotions are caught by you, his aggression will begin to lessen and gradually dissipate.
Seeing this, you may be confused:
If you don't help him solve the problem, how can the child get better?
Yet the truth is,
Do not intervene in the child's problems, in order to better solve the problem.
03
Why would it be more useful not to intervene?
The famous British psychoanalyst Bion divided human emotions into two most basic categories:
Endure the emotions, α elements;
Unbearable emotions β elements.
Transforming the inner "unbearable emotions" into "unbearable emotions" is a very important mental function of a person.
Good enough parents, often have to do things, is to guide their children to emotional transformation, promote children's mental growth.
How?
It's about naming your child's emotional experience.
Give the child's intolerable emotions a name, a concept, make it more logical and rational, and then return it to the child.
You're angry aren't you?
You're scared aren't you?
When an emotion is named, it goes from "vague" to "concrete"; from "unbearable" to "bearable".
Going back to the previous example, the child was wronged at school and came home to throw a tantrum at you.
You replied directly, "I feel like you're [angry] and you want to attack me." ”
This is a very good example of converting β elements into α element elements.
It names the child's current emotional state – I feel your anger and your attack;
At the same time, it also sets a model for children how to transform β elements into α elements.
I have always stood here steadily, not swallowed by you, not knocked down by you.
When the child's sharp edge is gently picked up, named and returned by you, he will personally experience this beautiful feeling of Ezrakugang.
And then gradually, he will learn from you, trying to catch, name, and digest all kinds of emotions within him.
In this way, he will gradually regain his wisdom and rationality to see and solve the problems that plague him in reality.
Just like usual, when you are in a bad mood, it is enough for someone who is willing to listen to you spit out, because after venting, you will solve the problem on your own;
But if that person is always in a hurry to do analysis and advice for you, you will feel resistant, and even have a sense of discomfort of being interfered with by the other party.
At the same time, it is generalized to all aspects of getting along with children, and the same is true.
When children are too stressed in learning and often have emotional problems,
You don't need to step in to help your child solve problems or provide more intellectual help.
All you need to do is provide your child with an environment full of α elements, and that's perfectly enough.
04
It sounds easy, but it's quite difficult to actually do it.
Because many times, in the face of children's attacks, it is difficult for us to be emotionally undisturbed.
There are 2 main reasons:
One: We are afraid of attacks and conflicts.
First of all, in our culture, it is more to encourage children to be obedient, to be obedient, and not to tolerate aggressive behavior in children.
When our culture cannot tolerate children's aggression, we as parents often have difficulty to tolerate.
Therefore, we often hear parents angrily shouting at their children:
"I gave birth to you and raised you, and paid so much for you, you have no right to yell at me."
And when we look through the lens of psychology,
The child appears aggressive, most likely because he is unhappy, unhappy, and wronged in some aspect.
Because he can't bear this part of the strong negative emotions, he has to release his inner unhappiness by attacking others.
Is he attacking you?
No! He's actually asking you for help.
At this time, what we see in front of us is no longer a malicious attacker, but a poor child who is overwhelmed.
Second: We ourselves have never been caught.
Many parents, growing up in an environment that lacks tolerance, have never been caught in their inner emotions.
Therefore, they themselves do not know how to guide children to rationally transform "unbearable emotions".
At this time, the first thing parents have to do is self-awareness and growth.
You can try to enter into a safe relationship, to experience the feeling of this emotion being caught and contained, and to grow from it.
It is also possible to connect with yourself in a calm state and become self-aware through meditation, Vipassana, and journaling.
To be aware of the true heart, to release unexpressed emotions.
Embrace the inner child who was once full of fear and helplessness, let your inner emotions slowly be caught, and realize self-empowerment.
Accompanying the inner child to grow up slowly as an adult is the homework of every parent.
When you grow, the child will grow; when you mature, the child will also mature.
Write at the end
The essence of entanglement between people and people often lies in the assumption of emotions that do not belong to them.
This is true whether it is with children, partners, or friends.
Once we intervene in the negative emotions projected by the other party, we become its "passive bearers".
It not only destroys one's own inner stability, but also affects the integration of the other party's self.
Therefore, I would like to recommend you more:
When it comes, just be an observer quietly.
Not to be swallowed up by it, nor to confront it, to wait and see how it changes, and to wait for the flowers to blossom.
This process, in itself, is a repair and healing.
Author: Tianya. A psychology student with ideas and attitudes; Editor-in-charge: Chen Shenshen.