In 2021, the two emotional words that have aroused heated discussion on the Internet are "social phobia" and the other should be "flattering personality".
Whether it is an adult or a child, many people face the problem of flattering personality. They do not know how to refuse, seek perfection, care about other people's opinions, and live very hard.
In the hit drama "Female Psychologist", there is a typical case of flattering personality. "Xiao Mo", a newcomer to the workplace played by actor Zhang Haiyu, does not know how to refuse the request of colleagues at work. Colleagues went to drink, let him work overtime to do PPT, colleagues went to dinner, but did not tell him to change places. Poor him also went to get a hairstyle for dinner, but he was fooled by the barbershop and was forced to get a 5,000 yuan barbershop platinum membership card.
Looking at his helpless smile, I knew how hard it was for him to say "I don't need to, thank you" .
Is the flattering personality something that can only be found when entering the workplace? Xiao Mo's problem is that the sense of oppression of the surrounding colleagues is too strong? Probably not... Behind every workplace flattering personality is the accumulation of problems of adulthood, so that they dare not say "no".
When I was a child, the tall and strong classmates in the kindergarten were the "boss", saying that the east did not dare to go west, and when they grew up, there were naughty and mischievous classmates in the class who always liked to bully others, and in adolescence, the middle school student group was more enthusiastic about the control of the right to speak, and they suppressed and even bullied the disobedient classmates in the class.
This is linked to another word – school bullying.
According to reports released by UNESCO in 2017 and 2019, school bullying is widespread in countries around the world, with about 246 million students being bullied every year, with an average of one out of every three students having been bullied, with secondary school students experiencing the highest frequency.
Why is the group of middle school students a group of teenagers who are frequently bullied? Dr. Barbara Naterson-Horowitz, MD and authority on the field of evolutionary medicine, gives the answer in her latest book, More Critical Than Adolescence.
We, the social animals, are born to put ourselves in a class, in which there are always individuals at the top, and there are always individuals at the bottom, and other individuals are in between.
In nature, there are hierarchies in almost every animal group, such as:
▌ The highest-ranking rooster in the chicken coop has the right to be the first to sing, and other low-level roosters must restrain their impulse to sing;
▌High-grade crayfish will occupy the perfect position at 24 °C underwater, and drive low-grade crayfish to places where the water temperature is too high or too low;
▌ The head of the fish will swim at the front, where the oxygen content is the highest and the least excretion is the lowest, while the lower level fish can only hover in the tail of the fish, experiencing the exact opposite treatment from the leader.
Human beings are the same, whether it is schools or society, there is a phenomenon of class everywhere. Even when babies are 6 months old, they differentiate and develop preferences for the people in their lives. At the age of 4, they will be able to know which of their peers are of higher status and will be more likely to play with people of higher status.
Sarah-Jenny Blackmore, a neuroscientist at University College London, conducted class studies and concluded that "adolescents are more sociable and develop more complex and class-like peer relationships.".
Compared with the simple wealth hierarchy system for adults, teenagers will be more comprehensive in terms of a person's appearance, physique, strength, family background and personal charm to divide the hierarchy, so sometimes, the child especially wants a pair of Jordan's basketball shoes, the same trench coat of the star, not to say how much he loves this thing, but with these, he is more likely to mingle with other children who also have the trend, so as to avoid the possibility of being selected as a target.
01
▍ Why do school bullying perpetrators commit violence? ▍
How can the bullied get rid of it?
In the book "More Critical Than Adolescence", the author proposes three types of bullying behaviors, namely dominant bullying, herd bullying, and transfer bullying.
Parents can pay attention to these 3 forms of bullying, because it is possible that your child is being bullied or is unconsciously being a bully.
1. Dominant bullying
This kind of bullying is also what we usually know as bullying, the bully insults the bullied person through physical or mental attack, and its purpose is to show the higher status of the bully. They need audiences, they need the approval of others to show their status and power through bullying.
Sometimes, the parents of the dominant bully are also bullies themselves, just like the father of the bully in the Korean drama "Itaewon", in the face of the son's problem, it is not education, but connivance, dismissing the father of the bully, and also demanding that the bully apologize. Children who grow up in this environment are more likely to learn to bully.
2. Herd bullying
Conformist bullying, this kind of bullying is generally not shown through language and behavior, it is more "indifferent".
According to the data, adolescents who have suffered from school bullying account for about 32.5% of the total number of students. The remaining 67.5 percent of the students, with the exception of a few perpetrators, were more onlookers.
At the bullying scene, 59% of the onlookers, whether underage children or even adult teachers, did not extend their hands to help.
Why not help the bullied? Because they want to save themselves more. In the book "More Critical Than Adolescence", it is written:
Conformist bullying, like dominant bullying, has an ancient and powerful evolutionary basis, and it is the instinct of animals to stay away from exotic animals, and they are afraid that just by getting close, they will become easy targets.
3. Transferable bullying
Unlike self-confident dominance bullying, transfer bullying is based on anxiety and fear. Take another familiar movie as an example, the bully Wei Lai in the "Young You" drama, she lives in a very oppressive family, her mother only pays attention to the glory brought by her daughter's excellent results, and does not care about her daughter's mental health. When confronted with children who have been bullied to commit suicide, she is extremely indifferent, believing that the suicide is because "their psychological endurance is too poor."
And Wei Lai's father, because Wei Lai failed the college entrance examination, did not speak to her for a whole year, living in such a seemingly glamorous, but actually cold and selfish family, Wei Lai's heart gradually perverted, resulting in her bullying classmates for pleasure, transferring her pain to her classmates, which is transfer bullying.
The above 3 forms of bullying will have a profound impact on the bullied. Studies have shown that the more severe the situation of the bullied, the lower the life satisfaction and the higher the level of test anxiety. And these injuries may not be diluted by time, and in adulthood, they will still feel anxious and depressed, leading to greater vulnerability.
Some institutions have continuously tracked a group of children aged 7 to 11 who have been bullied, and found that the effects of bullying are still visible nearly forty years later.
So how to get rid of bullying? This is also an answer that many parents and teenagers desperately want to know. The book "More Critical Than Adolescence" gives 3 solutions.
1. Harness the power of your allies
Youth bullying expert Yana Yuvonen put it this way: "A child with even one friend is less likely to be bullied. "Teenagers must learn how to make friends, otherwise it will affect the soundness of his personality and easily lead to his being bullied."
2. Change yourself
Unlike adults, the symbols of a person's success in the adult world are generally money and status, but in the adolescent group, sports, music, painting, drama, or any field of excellence may determine his position in this class, so if you want to change your situation, you start by changing yourself.
3. Create smaller hierarchical levels
It is difficult for teenagers to shake the order of class within a fixed group, but if they jump out of this environment, such as participating in school, community or online group activities, they will re-establish the hierarchical order, which is a precious reordering opportunity for low-level children.
In addition to the bullying problem, the book "More Critical Than Adolescence" also introduces the various confusing behaviors of adolescent children, such as why teenagers love to take risks. Why is it easy to rebel? How can adolescent children improve themselves? It also put forward a new point of view - "barbaric growth period".
02
▍ A book to take you to understand ▍
The truth behind the behavior of adolescent confusion
Author Barbara Naterson-Horowitz once did an informal poll at the Harvard Open Class "Growing Up on Earth": Raise your hand if you think you're a teenager; raise your hand if you think you're an adult. Few of the 18- to 23-year-olds immediately raise their hands confidently to answer both questions. Most students consider themselves to be both teenagers and adults.
If adolescents don't use the word "teen" to describe themselves, what should we call individuals who are close to maturity but not yet fully mature? They are grown but inexperienced, and their sexual function has matured, but their brains are still developing. What should we call these individuals?
Therefore, the author proposes a new concept of "barbaric growth period".
We generally define puberty as 10-19 years old adolescents, using physiological age to distinguish between teenagers and adults. While the savage formative period is not, it refers to the entire stage from childhood to adulthood, at this stage, adolescents will face 4 challenges and acquire 4 abilities. Its age definition can span from 10 to 28 years old, or even longer.
Experience 4 challenges
How to protect yourself
How to fit into a group
How to fall in love
How to feed yourself
Master 4 abilities
viability
Social skills
The ability to nurture offspring
The ability to be self-reliant
If the teenager does not master these 4 abilities in the period of barbaric growth, then it will completely affect his personality in adulthood, perhaps not enough self-reliance? Or can't make friends? Or can't feed yourself? In short, the savage growth period did not acquire these 4 abilities, and it did not really grow into adulthood.
However, in reality, many parents do avoid talking about adolescent choices or have a hostile attitude. They always wonder, why is it that when adolescence comes, my children always do it against me? Where did my obedient baby go? At this time, if you are no longer soberly aware of the role of puberty, but blindly suppress the nature of children, it may lead to a series of problems.
The book "More Critical Than Adolescence" provides a new perspective for parents and teachers: teenagers have the courage to take risks and dare to rebel, in fact, it is the nature of animals, and they must ensure a complete and mature personality through countless mistakes on the road of growth.
After reading this book, you will feel that adolescence is not a flood beast, it is a crucial and passionate stage in a child's life. This book gives you a "God perspective" to see the greatest value of concurrently helping children wield barbaric growth.