The previous article shared with you the psychological reasons why children are reluctant to communicate with their parents, and the summary in one sentence is that I hope you listen to me, but you refuse to listen, I am very frustrated, simply do not say.
This also leads to today's theme, that is, the terrible thing is not that children rebel, but that parents' way of handling is not strong.
So what kind of treatment is smart enough?
Today, let's look at the essence through the phenomenon and talk about the deep psychological reasons why children are reluctant to communicate.
First, parents should realize that due to the child's age, the psychological needs are constantly changing, accumulating into the so-called adult stage when they reach adolescence.
At this stage of the teenager, he will care most about whether his parents have listened to his ideas, and then whether he is willing to think of himself as a grown child?
At this time, if parents and children share and exchange opinions, but if the child has always felt that his parents are just above and below, and adopt a relatively negative attitude towards his own views and opinions, he may turn to communicate with others and then seek recognition.
Especially in the adolescent stage, children begin to pay more attention to their peers than their parents, they will be more willing to find peers to chat and communicate, and parents often become people who the child will last consider communicating, or even not at all.
This kind of psychological characteristics, parents must first have a clear understanding, this is not what happened to your children, but the psychological characteristics of adolescence and adolescents.
Second, can not be because the child has a new communication needs to say that parent-child communication is not important, because the companionship and guidance of parents is very critical for adolescents in adolescence, so parents should work with their children to reconstruct the benign environment of parent-child communication.
If the child is more and more reluctant to reveal his heart to the parents, it is because he believes that since he is no longer understood by the parents, there is no need to talk to them.
For example, for example, the child complains that reading is very hard, homework is difficult, at this time many parents do not care about three seven twenty-one, first began to worry that the child does not pay attention to academics, sluggish learning, affect the exam, and then want to immediately reverse the child's feelings, began to teach the child, such as telling him, not because you did not listen to the teacher seriously, we work hard, do not want you to care, you concentrate on reading, what is hard.
In fact, these words did not achieve a positive communication effect at all, but let the child feel that the parents can not understand themselves, for the child, this situation is his true feeling in the heart, he will feel that being locked is a very difficult thing to be wronged, people have the instinct to seek benefits and avoid harm, if the child finds that his troubles and needs are not understood, slowly he is not willing to show this fact of the idea in front of the parents, and turn to classmates and netizens to tell the bitterness in his heart. For parents, it is actually a missed opportunity to gain insight into their children's hearts.
Third, it is related to the more common education methods in Chinese society, which will actually affect children's psychological expectations of the effect of parent-child communication.
For example, a large part of our education methods are frustration education, in fact, through the continuous attack on children's confidence to cultivate the so-called modesty and pressure resistance, the pursuit of perfect personality is modest, low-key, in the current mainstream education orientation there are many parents will also be affected by this, such as seeing children learn progress, seeing them learn new skills, or in a certain aspect has a very prominent performance, although the heart is very happy, but subconsciously will worry that children will be proud and complacent, just say some words that frustrated children, Let the child remain modest, don't be proud, for example, just be okay, don't be too proud.
This kind of words parents feel that it is good for the child, but the self-esteem of adolescent children is very strong, especially the need for adults, especially the recognition and support of parents, but when parents are indifferent to their own progress and achievements, children can easily feel that their existence is not seen, recognized, and may even be ruthlessly deprecated and ridiculed by the most trusted people, this feeling will lead to children with negative emotions of anger and dissatisfaction, so that after things happen once, twice, three times, children will not want to talk to their parents, because they will think, If I share my happiness with you, I will be poured cold water by you, am I not making myself uncomfortable?
The essence of poor parent-child communication is actually the psychological characteristics of adolescent children themselves, and when they encounter the basic education and cognitive foundation of Chinese parents who are deeply influenced by traditional culture, the two collide fiercely, resulting in actual ineffective communication.
This kind of communication, strictly speaking, is not called communication, it is called venting, it is called teaching, it is called self-talk.
In the field of poor parent-child communication, the cases often encountered are related to the child's schooling, whether it is the north, upper, Guangzhou, Shenzhen and other metropolises, or the second and third tier cities and rural areas, parents often have only one focus on educating their children, that is, reading. Therefore, everything is inferior, only the reading is high.
Whether you can make more money after reading books or live a better life, in short, reading well and studying hard is everything, and it is the life content that adolescent children cannot escape.
In the past, we said that reading can change your destiny, and the cold door can produce a noble son. For children and parents living in the metropolis, the conditions themselves are already very favorable, and there can always be fewer parent-child conflicts related to schoolwork. But this is not the case, poor parents in the world, the concern and concern for their children's education is regardless of occupation, region, and class.
In terms of the current situation of society, the population continues to concentrate in relatively large regions and central cities, including Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, Shenzhen and other first-tier cities, as well as the capitals of various provinces, and one of the reasons why everyone pours into these places is that they feel that these places have comparative advantages in resources, of course, including education children, but children in these places may be able to attend a better school, and the related educational resources are also more, it seems that the starting point is higher than that of peers, but in fact, the competition has become larger.
Middle-class parents living in big cities first have to face huge competitive pressures, which are naturally reflected in educational philosophies. For example, parents feel the importance of academic qualifications in reality, intentionally or unintentionally will emphasize the importance of learning to children, really too anxious about the child's future, too much attention to homework, every conversation between parents and children is all around the theme of learning, or completely ignore the child's other needs, the most typical scene is that parents feel that children should put all their energy on reading, learning, and other things must be put aside.
If the child talks about e-sports games, such as the glory of the king, the parents do not care about the topic itself, but directly criticize the child for not studying seriously, the child has watched a movie or read a book, wants to share his feelings with his parents, and is scolded for wasting time.
If the child wants to go shopping with friends or chat for a while on WeChat, parents will remind you that you are not doing your job, occupying the study time, etc., in fact, in the name of schoolwork, ignoring the child's real communication and interpersonal needs.
Some parents also say that we do not completely focus on academics, and there are also children to learn a variety of talents, such as learning music, painting or a certain sports activity, without ignoring their interests and hobbies, in fact, for adolescent children, these may also become another kind of shackles.
Because with the growth of the mind, the child will gradually find what he is really interested in, and try to communicate with the parents, hoping to get the understanding and support of the parents, but when the parents are not willing to listen, they may not see the child's inner expression, only notice that the child is lazy and not good at practicing.
We say that parent-child communication is a dynamic process, children in communication will actually feel the parents in the face of social competition when the accumulation of various survival pressures, but when parents put this pressure too much on the principle of academic-based communication, this communication will obviously hinder the emotional communication between parents and children, resulting in children feeling that parents only care about their own achievements, and do not care about the real self.
Adolescence is the child's personality formation period, interests, hobbies, and various emotional needs are also part of the self, very important for the child, the result of this part is often ignored by parents, it will naturally cause the child's unwillingness to communicate psychological tendencies.
At this time, if the parents repeatedly say that I am all for your own good, the movie can be watched later, and the game can grow up to play these big truths, and the effect will only be worse. Children's psychological experience is the present, logically correct nonsense, can not improve their current frustration and frustration.
If you feel that what the article says makes sense, collect this article and forward it to friends in need around you, hoping to help more friends.