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As a natural social social animal, people's need to be identified with and the desire for belonging are written into our innate genes, although there are not a few people who are frustrated in interpersonal relationships and troubled by social interactions, but "good relations with others" seems to be our lifelong proposition.
Objectively speaking, the relationship between two people depends on the choices of both parties, and it is difficult to one-sidedly attribute it to one person.
Individuals don't have much of an impact on relationships, but many people blame it for their own reasons, thinking it's "all their own problem", and if you have these concerns, it may need attention, most likely depression.
Depression crisis can not be underestimated, on February 16, 2022, the Lancet published the "World Psychiatric Association Depression Major Report", the report emphasized: At present, depression has become a "global crisis", more than half of the depressed patients have not been treated, therefore, call on the whole society to take countermeasures, pay attention to the global depression population, it is urgent.
Many people are half-aware of the early symptoms of depression, believing that people with depression are depressed, world-weary, unhappy, suicidal, and there are also people who are prejudiced against depression, thinking that it is nothing more than a means for sentimental people to complain and be sentimental all day long, trying to get the attention of others.
It can be seen that most people do not have a deep understanding of depression, and many people may experience depressed emotions, but not all of them will last for a long time, and not all of them will accumulate negative energy on themselves.
And those who are accustomed to attributing the source of the outside world's mistakes to themselves, they usually have a lot of psychological pressure in the process of interacting with people, this pressure is severely squeezed in the bottom of the heart and can not be released, over time leading to pessimistic world-weary psychology, and transition to self-weariness, this pressure will also make them suffer from depression Greatly increased.
And people like this, in the process of daily interpersonal communication, their hearts are often filled with endless inferiority and senselessness, which in turn will deepen their symptoms of pain and depression for a while, thus falling into a vicious circle.
People's mental abilities and attention are limited.
If a person in the process of interacting with people always dislike themselves, think that everything is their own fault, and even always attack themselves, taking all the responsibility on themselves, then he will unconsciously magnify what he does in all interpersonal processes, and eventually make the fragile and sensitive nerves vulnerable, become aggressive, and show extreme emotional or social fear characteristics.
And in this state, a person still wants to mingle with the people around him and do a good job in interpersonal relations, which is almost impossible.
So why is it habitual to attribute the deterioration of relationships to oneself? From a psychological point of view, this is actually a manifestation of narcissistic psychology, I believe that this is difficult for many readers to understand, how can there be self-loathing and narcissism coexisting in a person's body?
But in fact, when a person's excessive self-blame and self-loathing is excessive self-attention, he will also have higher expectations of the outside world, and narcissism and inferiority themselves are two sides of the same thing.
Through the observation of most depressed patients, it is not difficult to find some of their commonalities, their concerns and interests are too much in the inner world, and there is a general lack of attention to the external world, and such habits often lead to self-blame and guilt and other inward psychology.
When a person blames himself excessively, he is likely to be excessively narcissistic, so it can be seen that excessively pushing the responsibility for everything to himself is also extremely immature psychology.
And this incomprehensible narcissistic psychology even contains some all-round narcissistic implications, driven by this narcissistic psychology, they will feel that they are omnipotent, thinking and acting are unprecedentedly high and imaginative.
But once they fall into reality and encounter setbacks from relationships, they will find that their omnipotence seems to be an illusion, which also makes their self-esteem face shattering, completely sinking into feelings of helplessness, feeling that they have achieved nothing, and then behaving very badly.
This type of person often shows extroversion and pretending to be happy in the process of interpersonal communication, in fact, this is beyond reproach, even if we are healthy and healthy, we will habitually show a smile when we are in a bad mood.
For these friends who are accustomed to inward attacks in interpersonal relationships, they do not let the people around them perceive their own abnormality and feel worried, and choose to convey the positive, sunny, positive side to others, this means of pretending to be happy is also deceiving themselves.
So how can we get rid of this kind of inertial thinking that feels small and worthless in interpersonal relationships and return to normal life?
The first wrong idea that needs to be corrected is to stop closing yourself off, bravely go out and interact with people, and accept everyone's love and kindness is the cure.
Second, we must learn to accept ourselves unconditionally, not to resist our own imperfections is the first step of self-love, cut off our negative associations, attack inwards, and make our internal dialogue full of kindness and warmth. In this process, even if there is repetition, do not be afraid, because this is a slow and long-term process, setbacks are almost inevitable, but do not choose to give up because of these.
Finally, it is necessary to stop self-loathing, no longer speculate on others according to their own ideas, and respect each other as an independent individual, so that we can live in harmony with our relatives and friends in interpersonal communication with confidence and equality, and will not be commanded by conceit; nor will we be self-pitying because of inferiority.
In interpersonal communication, we are always accustomed to using our own thoughts, emotions and experiences to interpret the attitudes and purposes of others, as the book "Intimate Relations" says: "I attack the shortcomings of others, it is I subconsciously attack my own shortcomings." 」
Unfortunately, I usually don't realize that I'm actually looking in the mirror. "In our subconscious mind, the fear of being lacking, dissatisfied, and discovered, with our own disgust with others, we can only see the disgust of others for us, which leads to problems in interpersonal communication.
- The End -
Author | Tommy
Edit | Howe wanted to drink milk
The First Psychological Writing Group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
参考资料：Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. T., & Rapson, R. L. (1993). Emotional Contagion. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2(3), 96–100.